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I Hate Being Angry

Open Discussions about Anger and Anger Management.

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I Hate Being Angry

Postby SilverSpoon » Tue Jan 05, 2021 7:24 am

Hello there, you can call me SilverSpoon. I'm new here, new to "forums" in general, so I'm just going to start by detailing my situation, why I'm here, and what I hope to get out of it. If I'm posting in the wrong place, or going about this the wrong way, I sincerely apologize. Like I said, I'm new.
I'm in my late 30's, and I wouldn't describe myself as ever being an "angry" person, and I truly believe that no one who knows me would list anger anywhere near the top of my more negative attributes. If pressed, I'd say if there's an "anger scale", as it relates to a person's personality anyway, I would fall just a notch or two on the angry side of the middle of the scale. So imagine an average person, and then maybe put me a notch or two above them on the "angry scale". But nothing too crazy or out of control. I've never hurt anyone, I don't tend to raise my voice, it's more internal than anything.
Anyway, a little over a year ago, I went thru a traumatic event with a family member. A very close loved one of mine had a horrifying heath crisis, and I witnessed everything. It traumatized me. It ultimately ended up happy, and this loved one is still alive and with me today, but what I went thru that day, and the weeks immediately following it, have continued to haunt me. It's largely believed among my family that I'm suffering from some sort of P.T.S.D., and from the little research I've done on the subject, it seems to fit.
I'm here because ever since "the event" (that's what I call it), my anger has just shot thru the roof. I find it hard to enjoy things because I get so angry all the time. It's like a switch was flipped in me that day, and as things began to calm down a bit, and my nerves and my anxiety waned (I'll talk about my history with a severe panic disorder and high anxiety some other time. I'm just speaking of the massive levels of constant angst I had pumping thru me for days and days while this "event" played out), my anger rose, and pretty soon I was just avoiding all the things I used to love because I just couldn't enjoy them anymore.
I'm actually glad this is anonymous, because it's really pathetic, it's really sad actually. The stupid things that trigger my anger now. It can be ANYTHING, from something that you'd expect a person to feel some anger over, to the completely arbitrary and nonsensical, with the latter being the most frustrating for me, because it's the little things that I continue to get so heated over.
A couple examples. I can't even watch most television shows anymore, because I take what happens to the characters personally, as if what's happening to them is happening to me, and I get so irate by the way they handle it. Even old sitcoms I used to binge on to help me relax and get me thru tough times, shows like The Office for crying out loud. I can't watch 80% of the episodes of The Office anymore because I get so mad at the way Michael selfishly ruins everything. All I can think about is how badly I want Jim or Dwight to put him in his place!! This may seem funny to you, and I wouldn't blame you for getting a chuckle out of that, but I'm being 100% serious here. I've had to completely remove myself from ALL current events, news, politics, etc., because there isn't a segment of a news show that I don't end up wanting to destroy the room I'm in.
There are no small disagreements anymore it seems, there isn't any letting it go, I dwell, I dwell some more, I take some more things personally, and then I go back to dwelling. I often find myself lost in thought about things that are years and years old, but I'm just ruminating on them.
I'm really not satisfied with the way I'm articulating what I'm dealing with here, but I'm doing my best. Basically, I take everything personally, seriously, and ferociously so, and this now applies to hypotheticals!! Things like the sitcoms, and the what-if scenarios I find myself daydreaming about. And all of this started after that event, I was never like this before that. I HATE IT.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm mindful enough to understand that I'm going through something here, so I don't take it out on anyone, but in exchange for that I find that I'm just distancing myself from everyone. I don't want to participate in conversations, or go out, or otherwise socialize. I don't watch TV or videos online that I know will just trigger this stupid anger. But I'm tired of feeling it, and I'm tired of battling it. I don't know where it's coming from, I don't know why the trauma I went through a year ago would cause me to be so angry, but it doesn't take a PHD to see they're directly connected.
I actually sit and think about how I functioned before "the event" and all of this subsequent anger, and how I miss being able to watch a simple sitcom without inserting myself into the character's positions and getting all angry at whichever fictional scenario they're dealing with in the show. I miss being able to just let things go. I miss being generally calm.
Like I said, I don't take this out on anyone, and I'm not some powder-keg that's ready to explode, it's just a constant, elevated, easily triggered into anger, state, and to be frank, it sucks. Because I'm usually a pretty happy person, I like to laugh, I like to make others laugh, but ever since that fateful day, it's like I've changed. It came out of nowhere, too!!
The last thing I expected from "the event" was to end up permanently personally damaged or traumatized from it. It was certainly traumatizing though, and I relive it all the time. I often catch myself lost in thought about it, sort of like a trance, just staring off into space, blank eyes, cycling through the events of that day. Sometimes I even catch myself mouthing the words I yelled to the paramedics and reciting the things I spoke to the docs about in the E.R., literally reliving it.
I tell ya, I hear of PTSD from our brave veterans and heroes like that, and I can't put myself into having endured anything like that, but I've got a new respect for the notion of mental trauma, and what it does to a person, because I've literally not been the same since that day and the weeks after it. It's like electricity flowing through you, constantly, all the way thru to your core, just buzzing inside of you. But attached to the shocking feeling, is angst, and sadness, and anger, and sorrow, and regret, and guilt, all at once, this is how I felt the day of the event and in the weeks after it. Slowly the shock begins to fade and you start to release some of that tension, but it's like the damage has been done, and now you're just stuck with buckets and buckets of powerful emotion that you don't have the first clue what to do with, or how to get rid of it, or even what exactly it is you're being weighted down with. Confusion is probably a suitable word for it.
I guess to make matters worse, I suffered from a massive panic disorder for a good 15 years. Before that it was just high angst/anxiety all the time, and to this day I simply endure my anxiety. I no longer have panic attacks, only very rarely. But my anxiety has been a part of my life for so many years I can't imagine it ever leaving. And this was BEFORE "the event" even happened.
I can tell you this, whatever this is, whether it's PTSD or some other trauma induced thing, it's new. It's unlike anything I've experienced, and believe me, there isn't ANYTHING about anxiety, anxiety attacks or panic attacks, that I don't know, or have not experienced. Anger was never a part of my life before the event. At least not in any way outside the norm.
Okay, I guess I'm just looking to see if my little story here rings a bell with anyone else, or if anyone has any insight as to what the heck is going on with me, and how I can deal with it. Because I just want to go back to my normal self. I want to be able to watch a funny TV show and not even think about how that character shouldn't just sit there and take that!! I want to be able to watch the news without reaching level 11 on the 1 thru 10 anger scale. I don't want to treat every disagreement like it's a win or lose scenario. I don't want to take so many things so personally and get so emotionally invested in them. It's exhausting, it's joyless, and it's a lonely existence when you find you've simply removed yourself from every scenario that might trigger anger.
I apologize if this is far too long, I'm sure it is. And I apologize if it's not in the correct location. Like I said, I'm new, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, and I appreciate anyone who took the time to read all of this. I hope you are doing well, and I look forward to any insight you may have. Happy New Year.

-- SilverSpoon
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