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Responsibility

Open Discussions about Anger and Anger Management.

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Responsibility

Postby ian37 » Thu Nov 07, 2019 7:58 pm

Hi. I am new to the forums and have a general question. I've only recently discovered how much repressed anger is deep within me having been built up since being abused as a child. This was not known until lately as because of an addiction I have always struggled with. The addiction has controlled me for so long. Part of that is being focused on it rather than anything else. I have hurt so many in the past emotionally and am tired of this cycle of loss. My current partner has to deal with anger now when things get tough. It continues to just get worse. I care about her so very much and worry it already happens to be driving her away. How much responsibility is with me in being better and what exactly should be shared? She is wonderful and wants to be my everything. I just am beyond broken and so much exists which needs to be worked out. I'm actually in the process of trying to finish a semi-autobiographical movie script which should help be healing in some way. So, I am trying to be positive and proactive within my recovery. It just is all a work in progress. Last night, I lashed out at her worse than ever. Doing wrong makes me isolate even further. Even though it is what I want last. I just lack feeling deserving. That makes me feel the need to protect her from my own self. Which means backing away more often than not. My question is would this all be best for me to deal with or better worked out as a couple? I really am at a loss. Than you in advance for any advice at all.
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Re: Responsibility

Postby NewSunRising » Sat Nov 09, 2019 5:57 am

Welcome ian37 ,

Anger management has a lot of techniques . Recognizing and acknowledging the issue is a great first step . Have you spoken to anyone about it ? There are folks who specialize in helping with this . I feel they're a resource well worth looking into . Yeah , folks will tell you stuff like " count to 10 " or "walk away " but a pro can show you a great many more tools and may even provide some insight on what might trigger you .
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Re: Responsibility

Postby Aries411 » Sun Nov 10, 2019 12:33 pm

Welcome to the forum,

With anger, we need to we aware of our triggers. There are just some things that pushes our buttons and we have very little control over what happens next. To answer your question, I would recommend some professional advice to help with this because when you try to fix it on your own, people become very defensive and the discussions may lead to further arguments. For the same reason, I would also try to work on the problem individually first so that you can it sets you up for success when you decide to work on the problem as a couple. I have found through therapy that the main problem couples have is HOW to communicate, not necessarily how much they communicate.
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Re: Responsibility

Postby ian37 » Fri Nov 15, 2019 2:47 pm

So, I acted the worst last night. My partner wanted something from me and I got angrier than ever in taking it out on her. Even though she told me exactly what was wrong. Which was not an easy thing for her to be exact. Being that I am always dismissive of her feelings and thoughts because of my own stubborn selfishness. One of the things that I have always felt and even told her is that not knowing something makes me feel even more apprehensive. She told me exactly what I'd done wrong and what had actually upset her. And, I still lashed out.

It just feels like a never-ending cycle. I only have spoken to my other half about it. It's not the easiest thing to discuss. Nor is it fun recognizing how horrible I truly am. I am sure that fearing not being heard nor understood is a trigger. This is something I experienced as a child. So now, in a moment of frustration, I tend to lash out and get defensive. Feeling like only my point getting across matters. Which is really not fair at all. Later and in a calm moment, I then realize that there is a world that exists outside of mine. One that is affected by actions of mine. Of course, I do not mean to cause pain. What matters most though is the hurt that I am causing.

Communication is very hard for me. It is one reason why I have always found solace through my writing. I know this is a large part of the issue. Looking outside of myself is hard and likely there is no need for me being in a relationship at all. I just love the woman I'm with more than anything in this world and we are now in this together. My hope is to be a better man and stable partner going forward if she chooses to stay at all. I have to realize that this is first and foremost a choice of hers. It truly sucks hurting who you love the most.
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Re: Responsibility

Postby NewSunRising » Sat Nov 16, 2019 12:13 am

As hard as it may feel to communicate by talking , sometimes we just have to take a different approach .

I've had to ask myself " Is what I'm doing to address this problem actually working ? " . I've gone through some painful and uncomfortable processes to get to the root of my issues and find ways to change my behaviors . The benefits have far outweighed the now long-forgotten discomfort .

You have someone worth fighting for . To what lengths would you go to protect her and make both of your lives better ?
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Re: Responsibility

Postby Aries411 » Sun Nov 17, 2019 12:23 am

In the heat of the moment when people tell us some truth about yourselves that we don't like, most people will get defensive. We then bring out all the wrong things about our partner from years ago. I hate it, but I think the majority of couples do that. Communicating effectively is very hard to do and takes practice.

Since you find solace in writing and can write when you are not in the moment, why don't you express your feelings through writing. Tell her that it is difficult to express how you feel sometimes due to your anger issues and that the words you write represent your true feelings and intentions.
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Re: Responsibility

Postby ian37 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 6:54 pm

I do think that it's important to be open toward different perspectives. Even ones we may not have thought of before. Nothing can really come of things staying the same.

Furthermore, I do realize that it is the end goal which should not try to be forgotten. Being angry and lashing out is not really the best way of dealing with it. Because nothing really ever is able to be accomplished nor move forward.

I had a huge light-bulb moment this weekend amid another aggressive moment. It had come up that I had never been like this with other women I'd been with. She asked me what was it that made her worse. It then came to me. All of them took their anger out on me in one way or the other. Perhaps this made me fear them in some ways. Or at the very least feel submissive. I was abused as a child also. So each and every time being the recipient of aggression took a little away from me. It also made me feel a lack of control. My being angry now and acting this way makes me somehow feel more in control.

Not that this is any kind of excuse. It just helps put things more in perspective. I admitted that going through what happened took a piece of me each and every time. She told me that it was the same with her now. That really woke me up.

It can feel lonely at times. It's comforting to know others can relate even if only in general. I know she is there for me. Yet this is also a personal journey I need to take. This includes getting rid of my past in order of moving forward. I feel different today. Not that I didn't feel remorse before. It just feels different now. I am sad for her and mad at my own self. Which I do not think is the worst thing of all to be honest.

The next step is to definitely do things which create the necessary change. I am incredibly grateful and very open to any more suggestions. Being on this site has helped me and I very much appreciate the responses and time. More than can even perhaps be fully expressed. Writing allows for analyzing and time to be taken. Maybe, we can continue to text or write one another within the heat of given moments. It may help me take a deep breath or two. Life happens to come way too fast.

She worries that this is something hard to change. I am a lucky lad that she stands by me during my darkest times. Thriving on a challenge is something I happen to embrace. Sometimes the end results are simply worth it.
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Re: Responsibility

Postby enaid » Tue Dec 24, 2019 6:39 pm

It sounds like you’re doing a lot of work towards achieving a better result in yourself.

One of the painful things about my ‘episodes’ is that every time it happens I think “this is the last time” which is like some kind of delusional state of mind - “I’m so glad that's over and that it will never happen again”.

I just feel at my wit’s end with resolving inwardly over and over to never do it again. To never get that way again.

I’m an intelligent person and yet I buy into this line of thinking repeatedly.

I’ve isolated myself from other people because so many of them are personal triggers for me. Also I am basically a longer type to begin with and am much happier with the peaceful solitude of my own company. I enjoy one on one contact with others from time to time, but I don’t like groups.
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