Working on my triggers.

I want to remember: whatever I despise in others, I despise in myself. That’s a big trigger.

Today was an angry day for me. I just now used the aims app to help bring my anger level down. Better late than never. I’m grateful for tools. I think I’m just coming to terms with the fact this living situation is as good as it is ever going to be & that leaving will be a long & exhausting process. Any way you slice it, it’s a threat to my tenuous stability. In addition to what’s happening in the world at large right now, of course.

thegentlepath wrote:They trigger my latent insecurities. But if I don’t take the bait, they’ll eventually be forced to seek supply elsewhere. So I’m making a list of my insecurities. I have 5 so far.

Expect: belittling, button-pushing, having others used against you, setbacks, & unexpected difficulties. Don’t expect: remorse.

Go low contact. Stop taking it personally. Practice remaining calm. Do the 2 million + things.

This sibling/sibling-in-law pattern happened again today. I was able to steer the interaction into a Frank conversation about the hoard. We all have a lot to put up with & everyone is on their own journey. I asked them to take responsibility for their piece. They chose not to. Surprise. It’s a family system thing. We have a hard time taking responsibility for our own pieces. We’re just so busy taking care of others’ pieces. I get it.

Loud radios are obnoxious to me & trigger my anger. One of the 2nd gen hoarders is hard of hearing, so their radio volume is left on full blast. Keeping earplugs tucked away in various locations is helpful. Going outside is an option, weather permitting. The AIMS app has a bunch of ambient noise tracks that are helpful. YouTube is hit or miss for me. Headphones are helpful. I want to remember to keep my iPad charged though. If I’m forced to be in the room with the radio at lunch, I just go turn it off. And then they ask, “Did you turn the radio off?” And I say “Yes.” If they want to listen to it during lunch, I’m more than happy to leave the room, believe me. It would be my pleasure. I also turn off the radio when it’s been left on, because what are we, the electric company? I let them know that a little bit of their radio goes a long way for me, but I don’t beat a dead horse about it. The 2nd gen hoarders are going to do what they do. It’s still a free country, the last time I checked.

The loud radio is triggering me again today. It’s not even the content that bothers me that much—although the content is appalling, but whatever. It’s the nonstop talking I really dislike. Everybody’s trying to sell something & I’m not the droid they’re looking for, basically.

Things won’t always be like this. They might get worse. At least for now I have headphones, earphones, & use of a room to go to during the day where I can shut the door. I can use the AIMS app. I can watch a movie if I want. Not everyone is so lucky.

Feeling angry and frustrated today. Circumstances are not what I want them to be. I’m working on it. I meditated outside. It’s a big screw you to the toxic religion suffocating me. I’m always going to be seen as weird and I’m glad. Who would want to be like them?

My family member pisses me off. I feel like I’m a survivor of their toxic relationships, toxic religion, & toxic politics, not to mention their hoard, while they sit on their big fat buttocks & flap their big fat blowholes. That’s just my anger talking. If they knew better, they’d do better. Dummy.

If I’m not taking care of myself, it’s easier for me to get triggered. I want to put all the energy I expend in being triggered & put it into taking care of myself. I can do it; I’ve done it before. I have a natural inclination to be codependent though, probably due to both nature & nurture, so I have to watch out for that.