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Working on my triggers.

Open Discussions about Anger and Anger Management.

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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby enaid » Tue Dec 24, 2019 6:04 pm

thegentlepath wrote:They trigger my latent insecurities. But if I don’t take the bait, they’ll eventually be forced to seek supply elsewhere. So I’m making a list of my insecurities. I have 5 so far.

Expect: belittling, button-pushing, having others used against you, setbacks, & unexpected difficulties. Don’t expect: remorse.

Go low contact. Stop taking it personally. Practice remaining calm. Do the 2 million + things.



I was so happy to find this item listed because I had the strangest experience with this sort of thing and I really thought I was going crazy or being paranoid but my gut was telling me that one of my siblings in law had gotten to this person and schooled them in what to say to me when we met up after 20+ years. My siblings in law were staying in a summer rental next door to this old highschool friend of mine who was also on vacation. My siblings in law then informed me that she ‘wanted to talk to me’. As soon as I met up with her I noticed she had this very annoyed look on her fce and wasnt even smiling. Her first words were “Are you working” ? I said yes and described to her my part time job but she looked very dissatisfied with that answer, at which point all I wanted to do was get away from her and her obvious agenda.

There were 2 other occasions where this sort of thing happened to me.

I never even knew that coaching a third party in what to say was something that extremely vindictive people do in order to embarrass and humiliate somone. I’ve always been pretty naive about people and what they’re capable of. It’s very hard for me to believe that any kind of deliberate plotting goes on but apparently it does and I feel very shocked by this.
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby enaid » Tue Dec 24, 2019 6:23 pm

Hope Im not intruding here. Am new to this forum. One of my chief triggers is rudeness when I’m the victim of it. And I happen to live amongst people who literally don’t know any other way to be. They are Phd’s in rudeness because they don’t even know they’re doing it because that is the mentality I live amongst. The values I was raised with are a deficit in this environment because no one else here shares them.
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby thegentlepath » Fri Dec 27, 2019 5:35 pm

A parent is triggering me. I had a dream I was buried alive! I am buried alive—in our collective hoard. :cry:

Hi enaid,

What I advise you, I advise myself:

1) Practice appropriate self-care.

And

2) Lower your expectations.

You have the Right & the Responsibility to set appropriate boundaries with yourself & others.
But you also have the Right & the Responsibility of following through on those boundaries.
It’s simple, but it’s not easy. Good luck in your journey.
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby Aries411 » Sun Dec 29, 2019 4:45 am

thegentlepath wrote:2) Lower your expectations.


So tough to do sometimes since we are all brought up a certain way. It is important to remember that we are all brought up differently and thus have developed different core beliefs. This is even true in the same household because an older and younger sibling will experience the same event differently. It helps me be more patient with family...
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby NewSunRising » Sun Dec 29, 2019 1:05 pm

I have a sibling who used to make me crazy ...and mean . :oops:

It took me a long time to change that and part of it was making myself accept that they were never going to change . I could only change the way I let them affect me . They still make me crazy sometimes but I don't allow myself to get frustrated to the point of lashing out in annoyance at them . I change subjects , go for a walk , put on some headphones or take a nap .

It helps a lot that I live quite far away but spending vacation time at the family home requires a good deal of self-restraint . I've gotten much better with practice . :D
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby thegentlepath » Sun Dec 29, 2019 3:51 pm

Aries411 wrote:
thegentlepath wrote:2) Lower your expectations.


So tough to do sometimes since we are all brought up a certain way. It is important to remember that we are all brought up differently and thus have developed different core beliefs. This is even true in the same household because an older and younger sibling will experience the same event differently. It helps me be more patient with family...


Hi Aries411,

It is tough to do. It’s work. Be patient with others, but also be patient with yourself. :)

-- Sun Dec 29, 2019 8:00 am --

NewSunRising wrote:I have a sibling who used to make me crazy ...and mean . :oops:

It took me a long time to change that and part of it was making myself accept that they were never going to change . I could only change the way I let them affect me . They still make me crazy sometimes but I don't allow myself to get frustrated to the point of lashing out in annoyance at them . I change subjects , go for a walk , put on some headphones or take a nap .

It helps a lot that I live quite far away but spending vacation time at the family home requires a good deal of self-restraint . I've gotten much better with practice . :D


Hi NSR,

I also have a sibling like this. I’m starting to see & accept how their behavior is an attempt to deflect their own shame by putting it on others. This is a common pattern among the members of my family of origin & it’s something I do too.
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby thegentlepath » Mon Jan 13, 2020 6:08 pm

Triggers:

1) our hoard
2) obnoxious noises
3) spiteful petty gossip from fat mouths
4) repugnant politics
5) people shoving their religion down my throat
6) my own latent insecurities
7) being woken early by humans

:x
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby CammieMe » Fri Mar 06, 2020 4:43 am

Just simply stay kind and grateful, I am sure you will be blessed!
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby thegentlepath » Sat Mar 07, 2020 6:20 pm

Hi CammieMe,

Thank you for your input.

I’m doing better with not letting my triggers get the best of me:

My sibling in law had an alcoholic mother. What I hate in my sibling in law, I hate in myself: irresponsibility & tactlessness.

My sibling had the same parents as I & we’ve all developed our own coping mechanisms as a result.

My family member that laughs at everything is just a nervous tic. I don’t read anything into their laughter any more.

Working on my business has been a good outlet for me. It’s something more interesting to think about & do.
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Re: Working on my triggers.

Postby thegentlepath » Thu May 14, 2020 5:20 pm

I have more sympathy for my sibling in law. They’ve developed a progressive deadly disease due to their lifestyle choices. I watched another family member slowly die from this disease. First you go blind. We truly are our own worst enemies.

I still don’t have empathy for this person though. In order to empathize, one must listen, & I won’t listen to bullies. I won’t let their bull feces take up valuable space in my already crowded consciousness. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
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