Angry psycho girl... please help

Hello,

I am new to this forum.
I’m usually in bpd or more recently d.i.d because I am an identity confused, emotionally disturbed all round crazy person. Hi. Nice to meet you.

I don’t know if here is the right place to post this but let’s see...

I have been through some very traumatic experiences in the last few years. I have cptsd which I think I may have had even before these but... now... aha... ha...

*breathes in and exhales*

I’ve always had anger issues. I’ve always had rage. I’ve never been the kind to take it out on others, more I direct it at myself. Some have suffered from it but I’ve never been violent towards others, I’m not that kind of person. I have on very very rare occasion. But mostly I don’t do that.

So, since what’s happened to me it’s like all the trauma from my entire life have been unlocked whereas before they were blocked and I have still not dealt with the past few years...

I want to do terrible things. I have terrible urges. Terrible. My anger is absolutely immense.
The only way to describe it is to say. It’s bigger than me. It’s bigger than my body can hold. I think that’s why it gives me the urge to destroy.

There are many many people, from both the past few years and further back in my past, my childhood, my adolescence, that I want to kill.
I imagine myself doing terrible things like stabbing them, shooting them, or beating them with a hammer or baseball bat or something like that... I imagine it graphically. And it gives me great pleasure to imagine the pain I could inflict. Not only pleasure but... I long for it.
I feel like I shouldn’t admit this. But I need somewhere to say it.
I imagine myself doing worse things.... I really REALLY want to do them.
Sometimes I feel as though they are all I want in life anymore.
Or sometimes I have urges to destroy things. Like set a building on fire and watch it burn.
I’m scared of what I’ve become
I would NEVER KILL ANYONE. OR DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS.

But it is hurting me.

It hurts! Sometimes it makes my head physically hurt.

What’s more worrying is more and more often when I feel this type of anger, I don’t growl or scream or punch the walls. I just sit with it. Silently. Still. Because punching walls isn’t enough. Screaming isn’t enough.
It gives me a headache sometimes. I have one right now. I feel ill. My vision is also mildly blurry. My head feels like it is vibrating. I am calm yet there is a violent storm inside me and I can feel it. It’s very strange.

It’s horrid. It’s really really worrying me because I know if I don’t do something it’s going to get worse.
There is much in my brain that is unresolved. And I am trying to keep a healthy mindset. But....this is a force... it’s powerful.

I don’t know what to do. I have not been given any help. I have no therapy. There’s no help for me.
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I’m afraid to tell anyone about this anger... for obvious reasons.

But sometimes... I really want to act on these urges.

I need help. Somebody.

Help. What do I do.

Well that went well...

Really wish I didn’t post this now...

Sorry you're going through this Star Dust . I don't see anything wrong with your post and I don't see you as a bad person because of your anger . There is clearly something wrong here and it's not your choice to be feeling these things . Personally , I find it healing to write things out when I'm stressed .

When was the last time you had a medical check up ? It might be helpful to rule out any biological causes .

Thanks NewSunRising,

I just feel like I have become a full on sociopath sometimes because of this anger and these urges.
And that makes me feel like a terrible person.

I remind myself of some of these crazy people you hear about who end up going on murderous rampages because that’s what I feel like doing.

I have control in the fact that I won’t go do these things but I do hurt other people cause of my inability to tolerate anything that irritates me that pushes me over the edge.
Not physically but I am vulgar. I shout and scream and smash things. I can be abusive in other ways. But it’s because I am in intolerable pain. Not that that excuses my behaviour but I just don’t know how to manage my emotions at all.

That’s why I tend to just shut off and let it all boil inside me lately. Because I know if I let it out... if I lose control I could become a monster. I’m scared of myself.

I haven’t had a check up for a while no. I have issues. With my doctors.
Which I guess I need to get over as I can’t just never go to the docs again.
There is so much I need to go for but I’m afraid to go... it’s a long story.

I’ve been trying to force myself to go for months but not been able.

I guess I need to just get over it and go.

I know from experience it's not always as simple as " getting over it " .

Do you have someone who could go with you for support ?

I don’t. Sigh.

Sorry to hear that . I do think you should go as soon as you can though . This is making you miserable , that much is clear . Sometimes getting help is a painful process but the alternative is to stay where we are . What do you want to do ?

I feel much better today. Go bpd.
I guess I’m cured!

Obviously I’m not. But I will be ok. I’m tough. I can handle it.

I’ll be fine. I wish I didn’t post this I was in a very different state of mind.

And honestly now I feel quite uncomfortable. I’ve been through a lot and maybe it’s my fault.
But I don’t want to mentally go there. So I don’t think I’ll say anything else for now,
I will be alright. I’ve just had some very terrible things happen. But that’s life.
Thank you for your responses though x

star dust wrote:So, since what’s happened to me it’s like all the trauma from my entire life have been unlocked whereas before they were blocked and I have still not dealt with the past few years...

It relatively common when trauma surfaces in PTSD or CPTSD.

DBT distress tolerance and emotional regulation
And get a therapist.
***EDIT: A lot of people find EMDR effective too

I'm glad you're feeling better and please don't feel bad about posting . We work hard to keep these forums a safe and secure place to let things out , no matter what your state of mind .

I hope you can get some help with this .