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I'm an abusive boyfriend.

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I'm an abusive boyfriend.

Postby calamarine » Sat Mar 02, 2019 12:33 am

My name is Koda. Before I begin, I'm going to present some background information.

skip if you don't want to read this section

I'm 16 years old and severely depressed. Have been since the summer of 2017. I have a girlfriend of nearly 2 years, and at first we were in a very healthy, supportive relationship. I had no feelings for her whatsoever for the first couple months, but once summer hit, it was like the flick of a light switch. I fell in love. I became attached and obsessed.

I'd never felt this way around anyone before. I was overwhelmed and confused. That's when things got bad. She started cutting, and she was extremely depressed. Suicidal. It came out of the blue.

After summer, I began processing everything. I was traumatized. Sure, she was still suicidal, but at least she stopped cutting. Things with her slowly got better, but things with me quickly got worse.

In late December of 2017, I was involuntarily hospitalized for suicidal ideation and self-harm. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but the diagnosis only made me hate myself even more.

In early May of 2018, I ended my relationship with my girlfriend because I was convinced she didn't love me, and that she was going to leave me. I attempted suicide because of the pain. After being hospitalized for about a week, I came back to her and tried to get back with her. At first she was cold toward me, saying she didn't love me and that she had a new girlfriend. But then we got back together after a while of me begging and guilt-tripping her, and I was relieved.

In the summer of 2018, I was still depressed and ended up being hospitalized for suicidal ideation three times.

The third time, I impulsively came out as a transgender man because of the dysphoria that had been slowly building up inside me. My girlfriend was not supportive. She said she was a lesbian and that she only liked girls, that she didn't want me to change.

So I went behind my parents' backs and pretended to be a girl online. I visited my girlfriend in December of 2018 (it's a long-distance relationship since I moved away from her in June 2018), and everyone used she/her and my deadname. It was so horrible that I was suicidal again. When I got back, I attempted suicide and was hospitalized a week later, for about one and a half weeks.

Now we're back to present day.

end of section

This is the part where I tell you how abusive I am. I'm really just awful, a monster. My girlfriend and I fight and argue multiple times a day because I antagonize her. I nag. I act controlling and jealous, because I am.

I get jealous and hurt over everything she does. Talking to other people instead of me? Hurt. Listening to even slightly depressing music? Hurt. Hanging out with friends instead of me? Hurt. Taking some time off from me? Hurt. Everything hurts like hell.

Just today, I stalked her in a chat on Amino and scrolled up so far that I came back to early February.

She said she loved girls. That they were cute and hot. That she was a lesbian dating a guy and that it was weird. She knew I was a guy.

What REALLY bothers me is that she had the AUDACITY to LIE to me about it. When I first found out she was saying she liked girls (in a different chat where she didn't mention I was trans), she brushed it off as not being 100% sure that I was a guy. But she contradicts the evidence, because what I found out today was that she WAS 100% sure I was a guy. And still calling herself a lesbian.

So I yelled at her over text. I said I hated her. Told her to die, that I would be happy if she did.

I do this kind of stuff a lot. I've tried managing my anger in other ways, but at the end of the day, I always come crawling back to the same old habits in the cycle of abuse. Telling her I should just die, asking if I should kill myself, accusing her of cheating, of wanting to leave, of not loving me.

I even tell her she doesn't give me enough attention. I say that I give her all of my time and that she barely makes any for me. That she'd rather do other things. She says it's because of school, but I can't help but be paranoid and suspicious.

I don't know what to do. I need to control my anger or I'll lose her forever. And I can't do that. I just can't. I know I'm toxic and abusive and manipulative, but I don't know how to fix it. How do I stop being an abusive boyfriend?
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Re: I'm an abusive boyfriend.

Postby theraven17 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 2:10 am

I struggle to see the "monster" in you personally.

Try not to take this in a completely demeaning manner but you are sixteen, at school, with your first girlfriend (yes you think she is the absolute love of your life), riddled with hormones, etc etc etc ...that is all it boils down to
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Re: I'm an abusive boyfriend.

Postby Johei » Thu Sep 03, 2020 1:16 am

Just to make you feel better... You don't sound that bad...
I have DONE things that...
Seems to me that what makes you feel bad about yourself is that you feel like you have emotionally painted your girlfriend into a corner.
Understand that SHE is young, and struggling.
The answer is not to make drastic changes to yourself, or to have blazing row, YOU are young, and struggling. Take some time to yourself, then ask yourself the really big questions: 'Who AM I?' 'What do I WANT and NEED?'
Modern life is a roller-coaster, and you may feel the need to dive off it because you see something you like down on the ground, but there will be consequenses you will carry with you forever.
All my best, Johei
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