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hatred for abuser n caretaker

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hatred for abuser n caretaker

Postby jaus tail » Sat Jul 14, 2018 4:52 pm

i just hate them. n hate this world to the extent i want some major problem to fall in my abuser's life. like some illness or some lawsuit. i just hate him so much n aargh, i make up scenarios in my mind where he is going through some problem n his life gets ruined. n i know its a waste of mental energy n it wont happen but i just curse him all the time n wish some illness in his life.
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Re: hatred for abuser n caretaker

Postby maree12 » Mon Aug 20, 2018 12:28 am

I was bullied all through high school by the same gang of 5 boys. I often day dreamed of something bad happening to any of them, especially the 2 ring leaders. It never did, but it made me calmer thinking about it. I am, though, confused about the subject of your letter. Is it your carer who is abusing you? i believe there are government agencies that you can report them to, which would be a lot better than you taking matters into your own hands one day.
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Re: hatred for abuser n caretaker

Postby jaus tail » Mon Aug 20, 2018 2:32 pm

to be honest i was bullied in school n i was also a bully in my college. now i'm ashamed of my latter behavior.
the guy i bullied is doing terrific now.

i'm angry at my caretaker. but now i dont live with her. i'm more angry at my cousin for sexually abusing me. at times i feel like i'm blaming him cause even he was a kid.
the anger comes suddenly. like i'll punch the wall or throw the stack of newspaper on the floor or throw the pillow on the floor.

i think of the years i wasted in depression n that makes me more depressed.

have started therapy now. hope it helps. had 2 sessions. i'm skeptical of telling him about the sex part.
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Re: hatred for abuser n caretaker

Postby Johei » Thu Sep 03, 2020 1:58 am

Wait... Jaus... You are being abused by your care taker?
Are you a minor? Is this an on-going situation?
If yes to both, you don't need this forum, you need the cops/youth services.

I was abused all through my childhood, but I was afraid to tell anyone about it, afraid to lose the life I knew. I'm still messed up 30 years later. Please don't let this happen to you.
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Re: hatred for abuser n caretaker

Postby jaus tail » Thu Sep 03, 2020 3:29 am

no i'm 30 years old now... the caretaker was emotional abuse n there was sexual abuse by someone else.

i became a beggar of validation :(
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Re: hatred for abuser n caretaker

Postby Johei » Thu Sep 03, 2020 10:33 pm

jaus tail wrote:no i'm 30 years old now... the caretaker was emotional abuse n there was sexual abuse by someone else.

i became a beggar of validation :(


Still messed up, but I'm glad you don't seem to be in immediate danger.
Can't you contact your care giver's agency or something?
Or are they the usual brick wall?
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Re: hatred for abuser n caretaker

Postby jaus tail » Fri Sep 04, 2020 5:31 am

i live away from home now. in another city. but my mind is messed up (beyond repair, i fear)

i have identity issues. if i see a tv show where a guy manipulates others and takes away their money, i feel i am that character. and start feeling immense guilt, shame, self-hatred.

if i see a tv show where a guy has been manipulated, i feel like that character and start feeling immense anger.

i dont have any strong identity and its frustrating. like demons in my head.
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