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Please help.. can’t control myself for such little issues

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Please help.. can’t control myself for such little issues

Postby Dsy012 » Tue Jan 02, 2018 7:46 pm

I always do that then look at the emotional destruction I made for my loved ones and it kills me, just like it happened today. I’m 19, I live with my mom and she’s everything I have. We normally don’t really have big issues, we’re like best friends

It was simply about my mom cleaned my TV with a very wet fabric and I got so angry, my heart started to beat faster and I turned red, my breathing changed and my eyes were wide opened and whenever I get angry, I say things that I really shouldn’t and if the person I’m arguing with keeps silent, it makes me more angry, if they say they’re sorry, it’s not enough, if they argue back, it just increases the tension and I get more angry.. I wasn’t really angry for the TV, I was angry because she did something I didn’t want her to do in my private area, which is my room. Some of the things I said were:

“You don’t respect me, have some ######6 respect!”
“You entered into my private area and sabotaged it!” (Seriously, it makes no sense)
“From this time, you won’t enter into my room, ever!”
“You are such an ignorant, this is ignorance!”

All of these things sound totally unnecessary right now and even if she said sorry I just kept yelling and talking, then she cried and left the home and didn’t take her phone. I hated myself from that moment. I was crazy because I made her abandon me by being a disgusting person. And everything I got angry for sounded so nonsense that I was like “what the hell have I done? why the hell did I say all those things?”.

She came home and I hugged her and apologized like 10 times. I said I just couldn’t watch my mouth when I got angry and couldn’t control myself. I told her how unneccesary the things I said were and my eyes were in tears. I hated myself because my mom is a kind of person that I’d do everything for and I love her so much but I do that everytime to my loved ones. And then after messing up everything and make them abandon me, I feel kind of suicidal for a second then feel so empty and disgusting. Then she said it’s okay and she knows that I can’t control myself when I’m angry. She said “maybe you’d like to talk to a therapist?” I said “yes, maybe some time”.

I was thinking maybe I am borderline, then I thought I didn’t have abandonment issues but any other criteria applied to me so much. In my relationships, I was the one who broke up, in my friendships, I was the one who ended (mostly), so I thought that I don’t have BPD. However, maybe my abandonment issues are about being abandoned like in this arguement I had with my mom, or any other loved one. Messing up everything, making that loved person abandon me because I made her feel worthless and disgusting then looking at the destruction I made and then I’m the one who feels worthless and disgusting. This kind of abandonment really kills me.

People, and also my mom, describes me as a very kind and compassionate person normally, and I become that person when I get angry. I don’t know how to control, don’t know how to watch my mouth.. I just say all those things, keep talking and never stop..

Sorry for any grammar mistake.
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Re: Please help.. can’t control myself for such little issues

Postby NewSunRising » Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:00 am

Welcome Dsy012 ,

I think your Mom's suggestion of talking to a therapist is a good one . You aren't a bad person but the way you react when you're angry is making you feel bad about yourself . Therapy may give you the tools to help control those feelings and deal with your anger without experiencing the " blow-up " that leads to regret later .

If you could stop reacting like this , you would - right ? Therapy could help you learn how . I know it's hard , but you should resist the urge to self-diagnose or attempt to find a label for what's "wrong" with you . Talk to someone who can help you find better ways to express and process your anger .

You'll be glad you did and so will your Mom .
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