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Sick of my life

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Sick of my life

Postby ANony47384932 » Wed Feb 01, 2017 4:23 am

I'm so sick of living my life. I've been dealing with having panic disorder for almost 3 years now. I can't ever leave my house because when I do I feel like I'm going to vomit. Yes this is not a made up thing.. I haven't hung out with any friends in almost 6 months and everytime I'm asked to, I make up an excuse because I don't want to tell them what's actually going on. I don't even talk to anybody besides my family and that's all. I stopped going to school physically and now take school online because I'm so scared to go physically. Mainly because of everything that has happened there. No I wasn't bullied or anything like that. I developed my panic disorder and fear of throwing up or having a panic attack in public because of school. I ######6 hate it. In 9th grade I had my first ever panic attack and threw up in the middle of the hallway. Even though this does not sound embarrasing AT ALL, trust me it is. It is to me at least and it always will be. Nobody ever understands anything about this either. I was a Straight A/B student I was doing so well but after this incident I could hardly get myself back to school. I missed so many days and after a couple years I started taking online school in high school to finish up. I started online school in 11th grade because of an incident which was basically the last straw. I kept trying to fight this stupid fear of having a panic attack and vomiting but guess what happened. When I started 11th grade, the first couple months I dealt with having panic attacks in class. These panic attacks give you many symptoms, but the one I hate the most is the choking feeling. I've been on the bring of puking so many times in class, and where my teachers wouldn't let me leave the classroom. Because they think I'm one of those kids that's just trying to leave the class to mess around. The last straw was when I had a full blown panic attack in class. I tried everything I can to make it go away but it wouldn't. I asked to go to he bathroom, and the teacher told me I couldn't. I didn't tell her I felt like puking because like I said that's embarrasing to me. I ended up puking right at my desk, and all I remember is everyone staring at me as I walked out. You can definitely see how I'm so tramatized by all of this. This is when I began taking online school. I couldn't stand every going back into a classroom. I have been back to the school since then to take my tests ( since you can't take them online, cause you can cheat). It usually takes me like an hour or 2 to get myself into the school though.
This is all from the last few years. I have now graduated but guess what, I didn't go to my graduation because I'm afraid of having a panic attack while sitting there at the graduation. I don't give a ###$ how crazy I sound but this is literally my reality. Ever since all these incidents at school, my fear began spreading everywhere else. I'm now in college and still taking my classes online. I'm eventually going to have to take some classes on campus because I can't take online forever. I had a job about this time of last year, but I no longer have one. My fear has spread to every single place and I basically just sit at home all day. That's all I do. Like what kind of life a I even living? What's the point?
I'm doing awesome in school with straight As last semester and so far straight As this semester, but what IS THE PONT?? I'm never going to be able to use this education. I'm never going to get another job because like I said, my fear, I'm never going to be able to hang out with friends or anything without only thinking about my anxiety. I'm never going to be able to do anything, ever. Lately I've been 10x more stressed and depressed than I've ever been and I'm getting so tired of my pointless life. There's no point in even living anymore if I'm never going to do something outside my house. I just want to die. Now don't tell me to go get some help because I'm not going to kill myself. But this is how I feel. I just want my life to be over with I'm so sick of it. It sucks knowing that I probably never will do that but that's honestly what I want deep inside. I would hurt my family so much if I ever did as well, which is why I won't. And yes, my family does know about my panic attacks and anxiety of course, but it doesn't matter. It's not going to help, I'm having full mental break downs so often I'm just so sick of all of this. I can't even leave the house or go to a public place without this fear, or without thinking that the spotlight is on me and that everyone is looking at me If something bad happens. (Of course that's not true, but that's how I feel and can't change that) I have no idea what to do anymore. Yea I'm doing good in school, but when am I ever going to use that? Never. Nothing is worth it anymore in my life
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Re: Sick of my life

Postby chuckyv2 » Sun Feb 05, 2017 4:53 pm

Hey, I was once like you and I also remember how difficult it was.

A good approach is to begin to plan the steps that you would need to take in order to get back to where you were in the past (presuming that you were at a point in the past where you could go out and feel fine).

I would start by planning to go out for a walk for at least 30 minutes each day and to see how you feel. You don't have to convert yourself into someone that you don't want to be, but you just need to build up enough mental strength/endurance such that you can function in society as it currently is.

Regarding school, if you can graduate by completely school remotely, then so be it. You may have better opportunities later in life - the schooling system is very rigid and not designe for everyone.

Hope this helps,
Kevin
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