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coping with two alternate lives as they converg upon one ano

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coping with two alternate lives as they converg upon one ano

Postby warrior/child » Sat Jun 08, 2013 11:26 pm

I have suffered such severe psychological, physical and sexual abuse since I was a toddler that I have had to hide to survive psychologically. I became so used to denying my feelings to cope that I got lost within myself. I created what I called a safe place but no one was allowed in. I hid this even from myself because while doing so through years of abuse I became proficient at observing my exterior world because my own self could not handle my reality. So I watched others trying to understand why things were the way they were but never dealing with my own self basically because my existence was distorted and I was literally unable to formulate things from a healthy perspective.
I was not given a basis to form a healthy, constructive world, all I had was a world full of evil domination causing this chasm within myself that I can not connect with the world. I don't feel as though I am normal (of course what is normal is relative), never fitting in, not understanding how it was ever to be to begin with.. or where to begin has been very paralyzing to me. Effecting me in many ways throughout my life both psychologically, physically and sexually.
Now by mere circumstance these things cannot lay dormant. My soul has cried out from sear agony that my health has gone downhill in many ways. My coping mechanisms have deteriorated. What used to work no longer works. I finally was able to take small steps to change the series of debilitating effects but have only begun. I have so many stressors/triggers that my mind hurts. I am seeking help/counseling but have so many things wanting to be released I find it hard to know where to start.
My biggest feat right now is having a support system of which I never had before. Family was out seeing they were the culprits. I have had a few relationships that have had abuse as a normal function in every day living, which should never be but were. Stress has become toxic to me. It's all around us if we're not careful. Some people thrive by malice, I am not one of them. I am 55. That seem pretty old to be still dealing from this level but if you were to see I was establish and used as a sex toy, boxing bag and devoid of help for the most part of my childhood you would then understand why I have yet to formulate a form of wholeness. I have never understood what feeling loved was liked, feeling clean inside and out, or free of sorrow. It bites.
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Re: coping with two alternate lives as they converg upon one ano

Postby Looking_to_help » Fri Mar 13, 2015 10:11 pm

Hi there,

Certainly what you have been through, and the trauma you experienced at such as young age has not only mentally and sexually scarred you, however has physically scarred you as well, as trauma-PTSD and rape often do. It actually re-wires the very circuitry of our brains, and can create physical "damage" detectable on MRI's/CT scans. This "double life" that you were speaking of certainly sounds like it was your way of coping, but certainly a way of coping that could not last your whole life, given the severity of what you have been through. You may be 55, however some people just never get over this on their own, without appropriate help. It is good that you are taking steps to help yourself, not everybody reaches out and some try to live in this false safe world they have created for themselves their whole life. I wish you best of luck on your journey, and remember, patience and persistence, don't give up, because many people who seek help do overcome this in good time!
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Re: coping with two alternate lives as they converg upon one ano

Postby NancyLee-123 » Tue Jun 02, 2015 3:50 pm

This is so me, I can't thank you enough for putting how I feel into words. May you continue to heal on your path to finding your soul in this incredibly complex world.
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