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Verbal abuse from parent

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Verbal abuse from parent

Postby greeneyedmonster » Sun Jan 16, 2011 4:26 am

Hi all,

I have a problem with my mother that I really don't know how to address. She is very verbally abusive towards me. The thing is, it's only me and I have four other siblings, but for some reason I rub her the wrong way no matter how nice I am to her. My mother has hated me and made no bones about it every since I can remember. I remember as a child I would be sitting down playing with my toys and would just happen to look up and catch her giving me the most coldest stare I have every seen in my life. I have not lived at home since I was 17 yrs, but recently had to move back home due to losing my job at 27 and it has been hell. I have only been living here for three months while I find a job and get back on my feet and the insults started the moment I walked in the door. "Damn, you sure have gotten fat!" "That is all you will ever be is a pretty fat girl"! And so on and so on. She wouldn't even let me have a room on the lower level. I have to take a room in the attic, a unfinished attic. No heat, no electricity and can you say bugs! (These are the biggest bugs I have every seen and I am beyond scared of bugs!) So I go downstairs to make me some coffee and she says to me "You have been eating all day"! Guys, I had just woken up at noon on a Saturday! I know this is not as bad as physical or sexual abuse, but her words really do hurt me because she is my mom and I do love her. I have tried to talk to her and tell her that her words really hurt me and she accuses me of being "sensitive" and have "negative feelings" all the time. I just really want someone that has been in this situation to give me some advice. I have no where else to live, so going somewhere else is out of the question and I think about committing suicide daily. I know i don't have the guts to do it, but with no job in site (despite apply for over 200 from my guess) I don't know how much more I can take. I honestly would really like to know WHY she says these things to me. What did I do to her? Anyway, any advice or just words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby salted lipstick » Sun Jan 16, 2011 11:43 am

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can very much relate to your living situation with your mother. My mother is also verbally and emotionally abusive. I've been living at home, I'm 24 now, unable to move out at the moment because my mental health is unstable and therefore so is my earning capacity.

One thing I want to tell you is it's not your fault. It's nothing you did. Nothing you said. Whatever she want's you to believe about yourself is WRONG. It's not your fault on any level. It's her issue here. And unfortunately there is not really anything you can do to change her behaviour toward you.

In my situation, my therapist recommended I avoid my mother "as much as possible without taking it to the extent that that avoidance of her negatively impacts my physical health or my working life". I'd suggest you do the same. It at least gives you a rest from the barrage of putdowns coming your way, which can very much help ease your depression.

You could try house-sitting in order to get away from her. Some people will pay to have you stay at their house and look after their pets while they are on vacation or a business trip. Try looking up some websites or asking friends if they know of anyone going away.

Also try some other common ways to stabilize your depression such as exercising daily, eating healthily, continuing to catch up with friends etc. Doing some of these things will help take the focus off of your depression and hence put you in better head-space to find work.

All the best!
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby Onebravegirl » Thu Jan 20, 2011 8:25 pm

I think that doing your best to contribute around the house would be a good idea. Show her that you appreciate the place to live. Help out with the cooking/cleaning, offer her some tea. If she sees that you are making an effort to appreciate her, she may mellow a bit. If you just hang around, she's probably worried that your not going to do anything with the rest of your life. Moms do that. Worry and sometimes think that tough love is the best thing for you. It sounds like you have to be the grown up now and take the lead in creating some peace.
Kindness may cool her fire.
With care,
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby psychopomp » Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:45 pm

I've had times where it seemed like nothing I did or said would ever appease my mom. So I instead shut her out. Sometimes you just have to tiptoe around these people until you can be free of them. And when you are free, cut them out of your life for good. If you can, try to move in with one of your siblings. If you can't then try to make your room as cozy as possible- make it your sanctuary from her wrath. And do your best to avoid her. If you do have to interact with her, don't bother trying to make her love you. Instead, act as if she were a stranger. Be polite, but say only very few words. If she yells at you, ignore it- why bother responding when she will only escalate, and you have better things to do then to talk to a peon like her. Try to be above the situation. Build yourself up, tell yourself you are a good person and people love you for you. And please don't hurt yourself.
"I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."- V for Vendetta
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby miss_understood » Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:40 am

My own mother was just the same towards me. I had 5 siblings and she would even get them to turn against me. I remember at a young age, crying because my two older sisters were picking on me and hitting me. Instead of telling them to stop bullying me, she told ME to stop crying!
Last edited by miss_understood on Sun Apr 24, 2011 12:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby 0samira9 » Wed Apr 20, 2011 5:12 pm

I have a similar problem. My mom is crazy, she always calls me down. She calls me down. She tells family friends that I'm a horrible child, even though i keep a 4.0 gpa, i have good attendance and i've never been in trouble with school, ever. She accuses me of doing drugs. I have never tried drugs of alcohol. She says that i sleep around with guys all the time. I've never even had a boyfriend in high school. She calls down my dad and my niece who is 2 years old. She calls my niece a bastard and says that my niece is not her grandchild. My sister-in-law moved out because she couldn't stand her. Recently her younger brother passed away and she now calls him down even though he's dead. She Yells at random people about being against her. She thinks that everybody is against her. My dad tried to get her mental help, but she is still married to a man who left 17 years ago. My aunts can't do anything because one is mentally ill. One sister live too far away to help, the other is an alcoholic. I can't do anything about her. I tried to call the police but they couldn't help me because i was under age.
Last edited by Onebravegirl on Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby miss_understood » Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:15 pm

Hi 0samira9

How awful for you that you should have to put up with your mother insulting you and accusing you of doing things that you don't do, all the time. It certainly sounds to me like she has some kind of mental illness, but if she refuses to acknowledge it, then there's not an awful lot you can do, apart from look forward to leaving home as soon as you possibly can.

You may find she treats you better when you leave home... perhaps she lashes out at those who are closest to her, to ease her frustrations.

She should be proud of you and SHOW she's proud of you; there are many young girls your age who ARE sleeping around and doing drugs. You sound like you're doing really well and keeping yourself together, despite being put down all the time by your mother. Keep your head high and carry on doing what you're doing... try not to let her get you down... walk away when she calls you names, If she doesn't get a reaction, she may just stop doing it.

best wishes.... x x
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby born2luvchildren » Mon May 02, 2011 2:05 am

WOW! You are a wonderful teenager and don't let anyone tell you different. Get or keep your self-esteem up. It is very difficult when your mom can not say anything good about you. You really need to tell yourself that you are a good person.

Growing I was estremely tired and had very little energy. My parents always called me lazy. I have a twin who has so much energy so they compared me to her. Many years later I found out I have sleep apnea which means I never slept well at night. My dad had already died and my mom was so embarrassed to think what they used to call me. I also lost alot of credabilty because my twin was always much better than me. I went to college and received a BA degree in education but that meant nothing to them. None of my other siblings did.

I lost my self-esteem and I have just gotten back in the last 5 yrs. I am 58yrs old. So when I say don't lose your self-esteem I know what I am talking about. It can take forever to get it back because you always wonder "what did I do wrong"? or "could I have done better"?

I know from experience your mother does have a mental illness. She really does not mean what she is saying to you. She is an abuser and does not know how to stop. I wish she could see she has a problem and seek help, she would feel so much better. Did you know that mental illness is inherited?

I wish you all the luck in the world. Lift your head high and follow your dreams. You deserve much better than what has been given to you.

Please, please don't try to hurt yourself. Remember the ones who love you and how they would feel if you were gone.
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby Marg » Mon May 02, 2011 7:53 am

Hi,

My mom is verbally abusive as well. She is the meanest person I know. About two weeks ago her and my father were visiting me. She started in on me about my weight. Then when I told her why doesn't she quit smoking, she told me to shut the F... Up or she would slap me. We were in a restaurant, a public place. My entire life my mother has screamed at me, even in public where other can see. She belittles me and undermines me and puts me down. She has told me every decision I have made and continue to make are wrong. I lost my job back in December and am in student loan debt. My house is in forbearance. I don't know if I will lose it or not. I have only an AA degree and can't afford to go any higher due to financial student loan debt. My dog was seriously hurt tonight and I had to take her to the vet. All of the places the vet referred me to to get financial assistance either had no money or would not help me. I managed to scrape enough together to pay for half of the vet bill. I am undergoing extreme financial hardship. It seems my only option is to move back in with my parents. Which means I will have to endure my mothers venomous tongue. My father never did anything to stop my mother nor does he still. He says nothing, to him if you ignore it, it will go away. He has always been distant.
Moving in with them seems like my only option, but my pets will endure my mothers wrath as well. I have a small dog she tells the shut the f... up to when she visits. She got mad and screamed at my larger dog for wagging her tale. She does not bother my cats, but would probably scream at my parrot for squawking. These animals are more of a family to me then my own.
I remember babysitting one time a six month old, he began to cry, my mother told him to shut the f... up. I can imagine she probably did this to me growing up as a baby as well.
I know even before she ever told me she never wanted me or my brother and wished she never married my dad. She is what would be classified as a Toxic Parent. Very enmeshed in my life, I was basically an extension of her, never allowed to think for myself or be myself, whoever that was. Growing up as far back as 5 years old I can remember wishing I was dead. I did attempt suicide 2 times. I couldn't take being picked on all day at school and then come home and be picked on by my mother and my brother. The last time I was 25, lived at home and was at my boyfriends house, he dumped me. I went home the next day and my mother put a note on my bed your messing with fire and now your going to get burned. I lost it and couldn't take it and tried to call it quits. I think about ending my life all the time. But I am too chicken to do it, once you do it, you can't go back, that's it. I still think about it though. It's not that I want to die, it's just I want to fix my life and make it better. I can't figure out how.
Moving in with my parents is the only option I have left now it seems. I can't figure out any other way to get ahead in my life. I am back in therapy but can only afford to go every other week. The therapist suggested I come weekly. I was never raised to be independent and make it on my own. Ever since I moved out my mo has been trying to get me to move back in. Being around her I am always on guard and walking on egg shells. I never know when she will blow up. My parents solution to my life is to become a pharmacy tech. I don't want to do that, but my mom flat out said I don't care. I am not a child. I am not even in my 20's. I am older. My parents treat me like I am 12 and am stupid and can't make decisions on my own. I have a very low self esteem.
I don't know what to do. Moving in with them is a really bad idea. But living on my own, it's like I am fighting a losing battle and can't seem to make it.
If someone is in an abusive relationship, whether it be physical, emotional or mental, people would tell them don't go back o that person. But when it's your own parent doing it, some tell you, well you have no choice so move back home.
Marg
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Re: Verbal abuse from parent

Postby Onebravegirl » Mon May 02, 2011 2:53 pm

Hi there. Welcome to the forum.
I think you should simplify your life as much as possible-without moving back home. Get a very cheap small apartment. Work as a waitress if you have to. A empty apartment with a bed and a few dishes, your loving pets, with be a much healthier place than to go home and slowly be emotionally murdered.
When people are as toxic as you have described-abandon them. Walk away and never look back. Sever.
It will be the healthiest thing you ever do with yourself next to therapy.
I am glad you are here, I am sure you will find lots of supportive people.
Take good care, and keep posting Ok?
With Hope,
One
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