Was it Abuse? Is it possible to recover?

I know this is long, but please bear with me... I took me a lot to finally write something.

I’ve been reading the forums, also searching online, and recently discovered that maybe I am getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship, But I don’t know if maybe I am blowing things out of proportion.

We had been together for 3 years, the last year, married. It all started great, at first I was not interested in him but he won me over with how good he was and how well he treated me, like I was a princess. I have to say that in these 3 years he only raised his voice to me like 3 time, and never even in those times, call me a bad name.

Then reading your experiences, I saw myself in the same situation. About a year in our relationship he began telling me how he disliked my friends and not wanting to get together with them, also, he didn’t like to be around my family, always had an excuse or was not in a mood to be with them. I started making excuses to justify his absence and eventually I stopped getting together with them. But let me be clear, he never told me that “he did not wanted me to see them”, but said other things that made me stay in order to “keep the peace”, and because I was developing a need to please him to avoid any negative reaction on his part. When we were making plans about the future he continually keeps changing thing. One day we (he) decided something, the next morning he had a new idea. He always pretended to hear what I was saying, and then deciding we will do his idea best, at some point I stopped telling him my ideas, or what I thought. If something was bad with our relationship it was always my fault, and was also my fault not realizing he was feeling down, or angry, or sad, since if I truly loved him I would have knew. But every time I ask if he was OK, his answer was yes.

He asked me to marry him, and I said yes, and later he wanted to move the wedding so we can be married right away and I was so excited to be married that I said yes. Once we moved together it was worse. Nothing I did was good enough, my cooking was bad, my cleaning was bad, I was not paying attention to his shirts, I was not a good housewife. Even when I worked full time, I got home to do chores and let me tell you something... my cooking was good, very, but nothing I did was to his liking. He continually kept making me feel bad about myself that I felt I was walking on eggshells, I felt I was a visitor in his house, not that it was my house too. I didn’t invite people over, not even family, I was even scared to use money for something, without his permission, but he was free as a bird to spend on things. I got to a point where I was afraid to ask anything. I felt I was not myself, I was always so happy, so spontaneous (he told me that was childish when I got excited over little things, by the way), then I stopped getting excited over anything. I was afraid to get home after work to find and argument about how the windows are not cleaned to his standards or how he can’t sleep because I snore (I even went to a doctor to correct my snoring, and felt guilty that I couldn’t controlled it). My hair started to fell, and I was to blame if a hair was on the floor, since he hated that, another thing to be stressed about it.

All this time I was thinking that may be that was normal, I have never been married, and I was always told that you have to make compromises once you are married, and I really thought this was normal. It was not always bad, we had very wonderful times when I felt he really loved me, and we travel a lot, and I have great memories of those times, and I used to tell myself that maybe the good was all I should concentrate in. I had absolute no self-esteem, and was not even aware of that. I became a stranger to myself. I was a strong and independent woman before.

But for everyone around us, we were perfect, he was charming, we had a great relationship, and I remember thinking why he could be so charming and nice with all the people and then with me so distant at home.

After he threatened to leave me, I searched for help and starting seeing a therapist, but for all the wrong reasons: I wanted to be a better person, to be a better wife, and save my marriage. I was told that I was responsible for the failure of the marriage and believed that was right. After months in therapy I came to realize with my therapist that I was indeed in an emotionally abusive relationship, but even then I came with excuses to justify his behavior. Even so, I ended up returning with my husband, and spent a couple of months in heaven, I really believed he had changed, and then it started all over again, everything was falling apart and it was, again, all my fault, so he left me and two weeks after I found out he has another relationship and is very open about it. I felt humiliated.

He started the divorce proceedings, I am not opposed to that since I don’t want to stay married and suffer, but even when I am sure I can’t (and don’t want to) go back to that kind of relationship, I feel terrible. I feel like I have failed in having a good marriage, and also I blame myself for letting him change me, I don’t like the person I became and want so bad to go back to the joyful and empowered person I was before but I find it difficult, therapy helps a lot, but I just want to feel good again and stop thinking about him.

Was it abuse? Or is it just me imagining things?

Sorry this was so long, but my last and most important question is: Is it really possible to get over this and be happy and whole again?

(by the way, my hair is not falling down anymore )