Just need some unbiased advice...

I've looked as a guest on this site for a while, but this is my first post. I kind of just need some unbiased advice so here goes...
I have been struggling with severe depression and anxiety my entire life. I've been in therapy from 5-18 and was on depression meds up until then as well. I didn't like how the meds made me feel so I haven't taken them in about 10 years or so. I have a psych eval set up for next month FINALLY after an 8 month search and constant Dr reschedules. I'm thinking that it's more than depression because I do have horrible mood swings. Over the last couple of years I have become so withdrawn and anxiety ridden that I barely ever leave the house. Any way I'm telling you all of this for somewhat of a back story. My SO sometimes is understanding, but lately I think he just can't take it and it throws him into a rage. If the dishes don't get done, the laundry didn't get switched, the kids rooms weren't cleaned, or I'm layi g on the couch reading a book to try and keep my anxiety from over taking me he flips. He doesn't physically touch me, but there is a hole in every wall of my house. Twice this week while the kids were at school (thank God) he ripped an interior door off of the hinges and chucked them down the hallway. This is a major trigger for me. I go in to an anxiety attack immediately. He yells and screams that I do nothing for him. So what if I cook and clean he can do that stuff too (which he hasn't since we've lived together). I'm not saying he is a horrible person and I have had times when I've flipped out and yelled at him and even strayed from our relationship one time about a year ago. We have tried therapy one session and he doesn't want to go back. I had to force him to take off of work so I can go get my eval done. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is ever good enough, I'm too crazy, and with him freaking out on me every day it makes me feel like I don't wan to live. I'm not going to commit suicide those thoughts only last for a minute and then I reason with myself, but I just can't take this devastation sometimes. I have no job, no money, no family, so pretty much nowhere to go and I don't know if I'd have the mental strength to leave any way. I am MENTALLY EXHAUSTED. I'm sorry I'm rambling...any thoughts?

First of all, there's no need to apologise for your post. It's clear and I understand it completely.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. You are mentally exhausted. That is a difficult state to be in. I know, as I've been there several times.

What your SO does would terrify most people, even those without mental exhaustion.

Do you talk to your SO? Have you explained your anxiety and depression to him? I'm not justifying his actions, but if he doesn't know why your withdrawing. Maybe if he knew why you weren't doing chores he'd back off.

In an ideal word, he'd be supportive and listen to you. But if he was a little more understanding, it would avoid his rages. It is hard for a partner of someone with mental illness, especially if they do not realize you are suffering, let alone why.

I think you are doing the right thing, seeking medical assistance. You're quality of life can be improved.

You don't explain what went on in your past. However it's clear you had a terrible upbringing. You can help resolve that and put it behind you with treatment/therapy. Maybe one day, you could explain to your SO about why you are suffering.

Once you've had treatment, and work yourself out of the mental exhaustion, and back to health, you will return to doing the things we all do. You will feel like doing things at home. This will avoid your SOs rages.

However, you can't deal with everything at once. Try to talk to your SO. Try and choose a time when he can listen and remain calm. Explain about your problem and how your trying to help yourself. Ask that he give you a little leeway for a little while, so you can sort this. That's all he needs to do.

I wish you the best. I hope it helps.