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12 Year Old Girl

Postby Shocomilk75 » Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:19 pm

I would like to get some feedback on my 12 year old granddaughter. She is having a lot of trouble getting along with her mother and step father (he has only been in the household for about a year). They want to take her to a therapist, but I think she is just being 12 and trying to find common ground with her step dad.

What keys should I look for to be concerned enough to support the use of a therapist?
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby salted lipstick » Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:18 am

Why do you feel that you need to be concerned enough to be supportive of her going to a therapist? Surely going to see a therapist is a good solution, however minor the problem? I don't believe it will do her any harm to talk things through with a therapist, so I'm not quite sure why you appear to feel unsupportive of this course of action at the moment?
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby WiseMonkey » Thu Feb 09, 2012 8:54 am

I don't know if the OP will check back, but I just wanted to share my take on this kind of situations with kids. I am a believer that whenever parents experience problems with children, they should see a therapist, not the child, simply because they are in a position to enforce limits and to instigate changes in the child's behavior. The child is always dependent on the parents and, usually, her behavior is a response to what the parents do or don't do. Kids motivations are simple: to get attention and to use whatever they can to get what they want from the parents. So, if the parents want the kid to change his or her ways, they will need to change their ways with the kid and seeing a therapist about that is certainly a good idea. But, again, the parents are the ones who should be dealing with the child, not the therapist. The therapist can help them learn how to do that, but he or she can't and shouldn't "fix" the kid. The therapist's role, in my opinion, is to help the parents to deal with the kid, but not to "fix" the kid.
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."-Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby salted lipstick » Thu Feb 09, 2012 1:02 pm

That perspective makes a lot of sense Wise Monkey. Thank you for sharing...
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby mm420 » Tue Apr 17, 2012 8:17 pm

wow wisemonkey...i totally 100% agree with you!!!!!!!!!

I wish I would have had someone around like you when I was younger....

Actually, when I was 12 my dad met his now girlfriend (its been 11 years) and I acted out because I did not like her personality, i still dont. and I got sent to therapy.... and i totally agree that the parents should go because a kid doesn't know much, they look to their parents, and when they act out its most likely something to do with the parents.


im sure she won't tell her mom how she feels because she is scared that her mom will take her step- dad's side (just like me)
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby WiseMonkey » Tue Apr 17, 2012 11:30 pm

Thanks mm420. :D I could never understand why kids need to be dragged to therapy when parents are in control of them and are in a position to improve the family environment. Attending to the kids' needs is a part of being a parent and when the kid starts acting out the parent's most natural instinctual reaction is to talk to him or her and try to understand what is going on before trying to "fix" the kid. This requires a desire and a commitment on the parent's part to build trust in the relationship with the kid so he/she would feel safe to tell what's troubling them. I am a therapist and when I had to deal with parents who wanted me to "fix" their children, I'd send them to parenting classes instead and would tell them that if they don't know what to do with the kid, they could educate themselves about that by attending a parenting class, but they are ultimately the ones who should correct the child'd behavior, not a therapist. Sadly, parents just don't want to do their job and would rather pay someone to "fix" the kid for them. Also, they often don't want to face their own personal issues that contribute to their children's bad behavior. Many parents that I knew who claimed that their children were a problem needed therapy themselves.
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."-Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby mm420 » Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:09 pm

WiseMonkey wrote:Thanks mm420. :D I could never understand why kids need to be dragged to therapy when parents are in control of them and are in a position to improve the family environment. Attending to the kids' needs is a part of being a parent and when the kid starts acting out the parent's most natural instinctual reaction is to talk to him or her and try to understand what is going on before trying to "fix" the kid. This requires a desire and a commitment on the parent's part to build trust in the relationship with the kid so he/she would feel safe to tell what's troubling them. I am a therapist and when I had to deal with parents who wanted me to "fix" their children, I'd send them to parenting classes instead and would tell them that if they don't know what to do with the kid, they could educate themselves about that by attending a parenting class, but they are ultimately the ones who should correct the child'd behavior, not a therapist. Sadly, parents just don't want to do their job and would rather pay someone to "fix" the kid for them. Also, they often don't want to face their own personal issues that contribute to their children's bad behavior. Many parents that I knew who claimed that their children were a problem needed therapy themselves.


WOW...you summed that up brilliantly!!! I truly wish there were more therapists like you.

My friend who is 23 was physically abused by his dad as a kid and his dad still verbally abuses him now and he always says "its my fault, im the bad kid, i did drugs im bad, when he says i messed up our family I know I did, I just want to kill myself" ----I know that he still thinks this way because hes still thinking the way he did when he was a kid...and it's so sad because it's clearly his dad's fault.

I try to get him to go to a therapist, but a lot of them don't believe him or they just dont see his point of view, I wish I could send him too you!!!!!

I hope your day is going well :)
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby WiseMonkey » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:37 am

Thanks mm420 :D By the way, if you and your friend live in US I can give him some tips on how to find a therapist that would match his needs. In fact, you can check this out on my website http://www.therapyconsumerguide.comThis is the link to the article that talks about how to find and select a therapist that is right for you http://therapyconsumerguide.com/how-to-select-a-therapist/Even if you don't leave in US the article would still offer your friend some helpful information. If you both are in US, I can tell your friend some specifics about how to get the best from therapy. Feel free to PM me or contact me through my website in any case regardless of where you live and your friend may do that as well.

-- Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:41 am --

I also want to say that I am very sorry about what your friend has to go through. He doesn't deserve this sh##t! People like his father make me sick :evil: I hate abusers and I especially hate those who tell their victims that its all their fault :evil:
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."-Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby mm420 » Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:42 pm

Thanks so much wisemonkey!! I'll definitely check out your website...he lives in minnesota, but i live in canada.

I really do want to try and get him into therapy, I just don't think he has insurance or anything.


thanks again!!!
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Re: 12 Year Old Girl

Postby EarlyMorning » Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:31 pm

yes parents can suck. I have just started therapy (cognative hypnotherapy) about issues ive got with my ex. And I had no clue why i acted like i did in response to his behaviour. I dont have a great relationship with my mum. My father is dead but I always got on well with him when i saw him (they spit when i was 5) and i loved him dearly.

Turns out I have MAJOR issues with my dad. Whod have thought. If anything Id have assumed my mum. Turns out I do have some issues with her, but my relationship issues are to do with my dad, and in turn, turns out some of my issues with my mum are born of me blaming her for my lack of what dad shouldve taken responsibility for. Hmmm.

Wheres the OP's 12 year old granddaughters' bio dad in all this?

Anyway, I agree. Parents need the therapy. My daughter is 20. She has some issues as her dad left when she was a baby and shes never really know him. Through my therapy I AM taking responsibility for my part in that and its really helping her. She in turn now wants to go to sort her issues out that lie with her dad. If when there she finds she has some issues with me too I will take responsibility and work with her to resolve them. Im hoping there wont be - I love her to bits and have tried my best, but I figure as I have my own issues no doubt Ive f**kd up somewhere.

I suggest to the OP that SHE talks to the granddaughter if she is close and trusts her enough (maternal GP i suspect) but she would have to keep it confidential or there'd be no point. And yes get the mum to go seek therapy. She has the most responsibility towards her daughter so she must look to herself first.
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