schizophrenic bf addicted to weed

I met my boyfriend while staying in a mental ward for 2 months, I have borderline personality disorder with psychotic features, and he has schizophrenia, basically we met and fell in love. I'm out of the hospital now for over a month, but he is still inside but will be out in a matter of weeks. He's allowed 8 hours of leave a day now which is all great, however most of his friends are stoners addicted to weed, and so is he. I do like his friends a lot and I get on with them (I do not smoke weed btw), however they don't outwardly suffer from mental illness as he does. Before you say anything, his friends have almost every single time refused to let him share their weed because they know what he's like. When he takes even one toke of weed he will literally revert back to how he was when he was admitted to hospital. I have seen him at extremes in hospital and he's gotten so much better at dealing with his mental illness and I am honestly so proud of him every day, however he literally will take one toke and it's like all of that just disappears and he's reverted back...

At first I didn't take an active stance, I wanted for him to decide for himself to not smoke weed, he was saying before how he wants to come off all drugs, and all the horrendous experiences he had on them (particularly legals), and I wanted him to be strong enough not to use it, and the first time he didn't. But now I have been saying to him not to take it, and today he told me he had taken it, I said that it is not good for him, he said he forgets not to to take it...

I mean I have troubles with alcohol and smoking, I can understand to an extent I guess, I cannot deal with being surrounded by people smoking and not smoking myself, I smoke on my own, I chain smoke often, I am basically addicted to it, and I understand I guess the pull of it, when we are sitting around with his friends in the park and 1 or more are smoking weed almost constantly. It doesn't do anything to them, and I have smoked weed before myself and it takes various effects on me. I am choosing not to smoke weed so that I can give some kind of example, or make it easier for him. However it's not really helping. I don't want to break him up from his friends, he has known them for a very long time and he loves them all to bits, as I said they do prevent him from sharing with them, it's usually someone who doesn't know much about him will let him smoke it.

tl;dr: Schizophrenic boyfriend addicted to weed, when he takes one toke he turns into the worst (though not abusive, rather completely wrapped up in his own mental pain and fears about the world), how can I help him stop? He has told me he wants to stop. It is making me feel very down, all I want to do is help him somehow, he has been in and out of the hospital ever since he was a young teen, and I know if he smokes anymore he'll be back there again...

Hello,

I moved your topic to the Significant Others, Family and Friends section leaving what's called a shadow, meaning members of both SOFF and Addiction forums will see it and hopefully you get more responses.

This is a tough nut to crack. As an addict in recovery I can tell you this: you can't make your boyfriend stop. You can threaten, bargain, plead but as long as he doesn't want to quit he won't. You already found out that he says "he forgets not to use". Does this sound plausible to you? Saying he wants to stop isn't the same as him actually wanting to stop.

One of the triggers/reasons people continue their use is, unfortunately, having friends who use themselves. It feels normal to smoke because, hey, all my friends are doing it too. One of the things that will have to happen, at least for a period, is that he won't be able to hang out with them -- not anymore than an alcoholic on a wine tasting party.

For an addict to truly want to change they have to hit their rock bottom. For some people, like me, it's simply a medical thing -- I had to quit drugs and drinking because not only was I making it very hard for me to get better with my bipolar, but also with the medication I was taking drinking would mean I'd need a new liver within a few months. But while I managed to quit all other drugs, I couldn't stop drinking. A friend took me to NA and after some weeks I found out that it got easier to stop. I managed 30 days, 60, 90, over a year. My longest period sober and clean before NA was 11 days. With NA's help I managed more than 20 months in a row before a relapse of two weeks.

If your boyfriend really wants to stop, he will need help that you cannot provide. NA was the option I chose, but not the only one. Rehab, group or one-on-one therapy are some other options. What you can do is encourage, help him find meetings or a place he would like to go to and keep your boundaries. This is very important. If you tell him "I will leave you if you don't stop smoking within 30 days" you have to be prepared to really do it. If you don't put any boundaries in place, he's going to continue, because why would he stop? He's got his friends, he's got you, there is no incentive to stop.

I know this is difficult and probably not what you were hoping to hear, but unfortunately that's what addiction is. The difference between you and an addict is that you can decide to stop smoking. For an addict, this is not a matter of decision -- the decision is made already. He needs external help.

It's quite sad that a lot of people think weed is not addictive. If I had a penny for every person I met in NA that came because of marijuana addiction I'd have... probably about 20 pennies. Maybe more. It's not as innocent as most people think.

Big hugs if wanted. I hope things get better soon.

Hello Kellin,

You have already received some good advice from Oliveira here. Just two observations.

Our environment has a lot to do with how we feel, react, and even behave at times. We all want to "belong" and feel a part of the group. Your BF's friends may not let him "use", but they do "use." Being around them may make it difficult for him to alter his behavior to get healthy.

This is the same whether we want to improve our personality by surrounding ourselves with positive, upbeat individuals or more challenging circumstances like chemical and alcohol addiction. Often, it is recommended to change our social circles. Not easy to do of course, but it can help us.

I can not say that I understand his struggles with this, but I do believe being around sober people may be a good option for himself.

The second thing is, how are you holding up? You are diagnosed BPD. This must be a challenge for you balancing his needs while taking care of your own. Do not forget yourself here. Your emotional well being is important as well. Is this too much stress for you?

All the best

Hey Kellin,

Tough situation. Just so you know we don't encourage self-medicating here, and if you live in a part of the world where he is using an illegal substance, his life will become much worse if caught, another reason we discourage this path.

That written, Oliveria is correct that you can't really make someone stop if they are set on a path, but please think of you too. You also don't want to get caught up in something that puts your future at risk. It won't help him and you may never be able to get your own life back either.

I also agree with Oliveria's comment about addiction. While a particular substance is not addictive to some, that doesn't make that true for everyone. He is almost assuredly going to need some help to stop. Understand that is not easy though. It can be expensive, and there is stigma attached with seeking help, but you can encourage him to do so, even if he is not ready to listen yet.