Well my life of hell started about the first day of november.. I got a really bad sickness (strep) and was dying(not literally) probably the sickiest ive ever been in my life. I couldn't eat couldn't even do anything or hold food down.. This lasted about a month, finally went away thought i was better than i ended up with this.. Something i self diagnosed myself as Labyrinthitis ( an inner ear virus that causes vertigo and all these weird symptoms starting a week after being really sick) Went to plenlty of doctors.. Probably every doctor in the hospital, and couldn't figure out what was wrong! Found myself at the doctors office everyday, not being about to figure out why i couldn't breath, why I was having this severe vertigo and all these weird symptoms.. An ent is supposta diagnose all this but my ent was really lousy and just blew me off after seeing him twice, thought i had menieres disease which is basically what i have only never goes away..(had i guess) so i was really really scared, depressed, and having the worst aniexty for this whole month... I couldn't even get out of bed without feeling like i was drunk and this all affected me and gave me so much emotional stress because i felt like it would never go away.. well it did, atleast still is slowly getting better. But right when this was getting better here is where the psychosis starts..
About my 4th week of having this, and two weeks of stopping cannabis ( very very very heavy user, everyday all day for the past 3/4 years) I was watching a show called "I almost got away with it" and the episode i was watching had a story about a kid killing his whole family, this really bothered me and all i could think to myself is "how could someone do something like this" than randomly i started getting these anixious scared thoughts like " what if i would go crazy and do this" and "go hurt your family" which was really scaring me.. woke up my mom made her sleep with me and went to a shrink the next monday (this was a Friday)
So my first trip to the shrink(the best one i could find who wasn't just a pill pusher) basically told me i have something called "cannabis withdraw psychosis" from being dependent on cannabis for that long and than just randomly stopping.. along with the stress and aniexty i was having from everything else they just mixed up and caused me to have "psychosis" .. didn't know how much i believed him, since ive stopped before for the same amount of time once or twice in the past and this never happened.. Had have thoughts like this before but it was once after i tried highly potent weed for the first time.. the next day i couldn't stop hearing this voice saying"your gay" all day.. and once after watching a really violent tv show i thought i was gonna kill my little brother ( i never would i couldn't harm a fly) this was about 3 years ago and the gay one was about 4/5.. These happened for a day or maybe three but i wasnt stressed or having anything wrong with me back at the time so i shortly went back to normal and nothing happened since than. He prescrbied me 1mg Ativan 2/3 times a day.. and too see him in two weeks. Took these pills and it made me feel better, made me feel like i was kinda starting to get over the psychosis ( i was wrong) I was dumb and ate a weed cookie a couple days after this appointment just to see how it affected me, the high was normal, but after it my psychosis was as bad as its been since the first day of having this. Thats when i knew i would never in my life touch weed again.
The next appointment i had with him he basically told me the same thing, assured me i didnt have schizophrenia(this was my biggest fear).. and that this would eventually (go away) as long as i kept away from weed. Prescribed me 2mg 4 times a day ativan, didnt know this was a mistake! Started taking them and it almost felt like i had my life back, the psychosis was still there but not anywhere to as close as bad as before. Than ended up doing research about the pills and realized it can actually cause really really bad psychosis if you get dependent on it(thats just what i need). This terrified me, i stopped taking the pills completely for one day and oh the side affects were miserable. Ive only been on Ativan for three weeks total, had sever vertigo and dizziness like i was gonna faint. Thought my labs was coming back ( it wasn't) because the dizziness was constant.My psychosis was horrible that day, so bad that my mom forced me to start taking a 1mg pill to relax me because i was having a panic attack from it. Now i am currently taking 1 1mg pill a day, trying to eaze myself off it and start dealing with all this with no pills. My body doesn't react to pills good, so i figured i might as well do this the natural way if its actually from cannabis (cranberry juice lots of it and excersise)
Any thoughts about this? My brain feels constantly weird.. LIke I cant think of words i want to say sometimes, or as if im not myself and watching my life through a video camera. I also have been getting this random "whole body numbness" feeling, like a feeling that im paralyzed or that i was numbed by the dentist only my whole body.. has happened the day after i took the weed cookie, or sometimes when my aniexty is really really bad (it has been bad since im only on the 1mg ones, they help but one a day isnt much) im terrified that something is seriously wrong with me because i have some head pains (this could be from the labs) and want all these thoughts to go away. The thoughts are a "what if" thoughts followed by a commanding voice telling me to do the what if demonitic thing.. followed by my conscious saying "youd never do that chase"... Sadly along with all this i lost my grandpa a week ago, making this a lot harder for me. Im in touch with reality and know whats going on, but whatever im doing i feel like when i look back to think about it it didn't happen because im so foggy and not myself. This is honestly the scariest and worst feeling i have.. I just want my life back! When im distracted on my phone or computer the thoughts arnt really there as much.. it's mostly when i over think or am having really bad aniexty.. or when i just wake up and feel like im brain dead because i cant think of what i want to say.I also will sometimes randomly get music playing in my head (auditory hallucinations) and feel like i see stuff at the coner of my eyes that isn't really there (like my cat being there when she's not, ill look double check see shes not there and know it was just a hallucination) plus i know the voices arnt real which according to my doctor is a really good sign. Has anyone else experienced this "cannabis psychosis" and what was your outcome? I dont wana be on any antipyschotics because of how my body reacts to medicine.. unless this is something permeant and i have to! I just feel like i lost my life and everyday is the biggest struggle.. nothing can make me happy besides getting my health back.I cry my eyes out everyday to my parents not knowing why this is happeing to me me or what is wrong with me and my body (im still having some weird body affects, tremors, heart palps, headaches in weird places and such)
Also today I didn't get any sleep last night to go surf good waves early this morning.. Boy was that a mistake. The whole time in the water I was talking to myself, blurring out weird noises ( I slid off my board and after I blurted out skippy sloppy boppity) and kept saying it like 4 times.. Don't know if this was because I got no sleep and it just messed up my psychosis even worse or I'm going schizophrenic or something because I was talking to myself and saying weird stuff like that...
Ive also had chylmaida for two years, could that be causing all this and having these mental problems?
Thank you for reading my story of my last three months of hell!
any response will make me feel good, talking to people about this seems to really help me
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