by meganbaw84 » Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:20 am
Wow, i'm sitting on my couch with tears in my eyes after reading all of these posts. I've been struggling with these anxiety problems on and off for 9 years. Reading what you all are going through is like reading a description of myself.
It started right before my senior year of high school. My dad got a new job and we were moving from the only city I ever knew... and friends/church family that I loved. I think that's what triggered the anxiety. One night in youth group, out of nowhere, I had an overwhelming fear that I was going to die. I couldn't breathe..my throat and chest felt like they were closing, and my head felt fuzzy.Over time this fear of dying turned into an overwhelming fear that I was going crazy. I remember watching a story on the news about a mother who had killed her children and that was when the anxiety really started. I thought "What if that happens to me? What if I just snap one day?" I didn't have children (I was only 17) but I had a little sister who was 2. I was terrified that I was going to go crazy and hurt my precious sister. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep...I couldn't focus on anything but the anxiety. I saw a dr and after I told her my fears, she said "If you ever think you're going to act on those fears, you need to call 911 right away." That felt like she was confirming my fears-that I really WAS crazy. Ugh... I tried Zoloft, Lexapro, and Wellbutrin with little success. I stopped taking the meds and over time (approx 2 years) I was able to overcome these obsessive thoughts without medication. My family and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) helped me tremendously. If I could feel those fears creeping up, they would immediately do whatever it took to distract me before the anxiety took hold of me...
Now, fastforward 5 years and I'm a mom to a beautiful 2 yr old girl. After she was born, the anxiety returns on and off and the terrifying thoughts I had about my little sister are now focused on my daughter. I'm so frustrated and MAD at myself that these irrational fears are ruining what should be wonderful moments in my life. Terrible thoughts and pictures pop into my head that I can't seem to contol.
Thanks for listening and giving me hope that I'm not the only one. I have an appointment on Monday to see a counselor but you all have helped me tremendously already.THANK yOU!