Hey everyone, my name is Mark and I am 36 years old. I have suffered with severe, and I mean severe, social anxiety all my life. Like many other sufferers I only really started to realize this during my school years. Instead of getting progressively better however, I got progressively worse and has effectively led to a pointless, non-existent, and invisible life. I won't go into too much detail in this post about how it has ruined my life because I could probably write a 5000 word essay about it! However, to cut a long story short, I have no friends, I've never had a girlfriend although I have had sex a few times due to alcohol, everyone seems to see me as this loser, no one talks to me, on my days off all I do is watch films and sleep, or occasionally go to watch football, everyone looks at me and smirks and points, I am not imagining this, even people who I've never seen before, I avoid going to the shop or food outlet as it involves interaction, etc etc I could go on and on. Also people talk to me like I'm a 5 year old child even though I'm 36. For example, someone at work will say to someone else, hi mate you alright? And then to me they will lower their tone of voice to a level which makes it sound like they feel sorry for me and say something like; hi sweetie you OK? Are you sure? I feel like shouting why you speaking to me like that for I'm not disabled. Even if I was, at 36 I wouldn't expect to be patronized like that from someone younger than me! This does not help my SA it makes it worse! Why can't people see this? Just talk to me like anyone else.
I have in the past been out on a few dates with 4 different girls but it has always just ended without anything happening due to my social anxiety and because of me being so useless and pathetic. I truly believe that if a girl would just see past my social anxiety and give me a chance, I would in time make a great boyfriend. I actually love doing things and love life in general, except for my SA which I obviously hate. I would love to have someone to go on days out with, go to the cinema, walks, holidays etc. SA makes this virtually impossible however! I would always be kind and honest, I would treat her well and never cheat, and I would also absolutely love to have kids and a family. I'm genuinely really worried this will never happen and at 36, time is really running out for me. I would love to go on holidays as a family and see the excitement of my kids on birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc., this is what would make me really happy and make life worth living. The thought of this not happening makes me feel sick! If someone would just give me a chance I'm sure my SA would get a lot better.
I also really miss out on having no one to be intimate with. Of course I don't just mean sex, but kissing, cuddling up on the sofa to watch a film, holding hands, cuddling up in bed etc. I see other normal people doing these interactions and in films, and It literally makes me feel so jealous, lonely, upset, desperate, etc. Just like I'm sure all heterosexual men, I find women so beautiful and sexy and it kills me knowing that my SA is preventing me from having one. I also know however deep down that this will probably never happen due to my F*****g social anxiety. This really upsets me. Because of all of these things I have wrote about, I had a gambling addiction for many years and this got me into lots and lots of debt. It was the only thing to take my mind away from my SA and everything that goes with it and my life in general. To my credit I put myself on a debt management plan 4 years ago and I am now almost debt free and my gambling is for the moment under control.
Anyway, I've gone into more detail than I was intending to, but about 2-3 weeks ago, this 25 year old pretty shy girl started in the place where I work, and for some reason she seems to be interested in me. She is clearly also shy and doesn't seem to want to talk to anyone but me. Maybe because she's noticed that I am also shy. I won't write what she's been saying to me and asking me but it seems like she's interested. However, because of my social anxiety I keep bottling out of asking for her number, and I think she's too shy to. Because of this I think she's starting to lose interest. My major problem, which is connected to my social anxiety, is that if we exchange numbers, not only will all my other colleagues start mocking me as I've never had a girlfriend which they all know about as some of them have known me for years, but also she will realize how much of a loser I am and instantly lose interest. How can I possibly tell any date, let alone one I work with, that I've never had a girlfriend, still live with my parents etc. At the same time however I like her and don't want to regret not trying as I want everything in the 2 paragraphs above. It's such a horrible situation and I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that she also lives with her parents but I don't think she knows that I do. How could a relationship possibly work if we both live with our parents? At the same time I think it might be worth the risk. Like I've already said, time is running out! What do you think I should do? Is there any hope for me? Honestly? Has time already run out? Should I just try and accept that because of my SA I'm never going to be able to have a family and a loving relationship? Any help and advice would be appreciated. Many thanks.
Mark