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Missed a chance to make a new friend/potential girlfriend

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Re: Missed a chance to make a new friend/potential girlfriend

Postby atina » Fri Dec 02, 2016 9:25 pm

Dear Markness:

A culture, the social conventions in a culture are strong, very powerful. And yet, not each and every single individual is as influenced by the culture. If there is one of you, Markness, frustrated by the culture you are in; it means there are more like you. And so, there are women out there, in YOUR neck of the woods, that will respond to your original way of approaching.

To thine own self bet true, and you will see, that another will find you attractive- I am sure of it.

atina
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Re: Missed a chance to make a new friend/potential girlfriend

Postby Markness » Mon Dec 05, 2016 7:21 am

I just hope I don't have to wait until I am 50. I am nearing 30 and I feel like I am being considered "weird" for wanting a relationship or even friends. It feels like if you didn't make strong social connections in your developmental years, you will lose them in the transition to adulthood and no one will want you in their circle because their's is already developed. I get told I am too negative and it is off putting but I don't know how to be positive after going through years of pain.
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Re: Missed a chance to make a new friend/potential girlfriend

Postby atina » Mon Dec 05, 2016 9:17 pm

Dear Markness:

"I just hope I don't have to wait until I am 50"- waiting as you MO will keep waiting until 80, 90, however long you live.

"It feels like if you didn't make strong social connections in your developmental years, you will lose them in the transition to adulthood"- if you didn't make strong social connections in your developmental years, you don't lose the connections you didn't make: you didn't make any.

"and no one will want you in their circle because their's is already developed."- the hypocritical, bible belt people you referred to, they are "fully developed". Being "fully developed" is incongruent with the reality that most adults are dysfunctional in their personal relationships.

"I get told I am too negative and it is off putting but I don't know how to be positive after going through years of pain."- I never tell anyone, including myself, to be Positive, or to not be Negative. It is being Realistic that goes together with mental health and better relationships.

It is not too late for you, Markness. You may never be the popular guy you wished you were in high school (I am not expecting this for myself, no matter how much healing I continue to do), but you CAN get to the point of having a loving relationship with just one woman.

Reality is not the following: Markness is incomplete in a world of complete people. Far from it.

atina
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Re: Missed a chance to make a new friend/potential girlfriend

Postby Markness » Mon Dec 12, 2016 4:10 am

atina wrote:Dear Markness:

"I just hope I don't have to wait until I am 50"- waiting as you MO will keep waiting until 80, 90, however long you live.

"It feels like if you didn't make strong social connections in your developmental years, you will lose them in the transition to adulthood"- if you didn't make strong social connections in your developmental years, you don't lose the connections you didn't make: you didn't make any.

"and no one will want you in their circle because their's is already developed."- the hypocritical, bible belt people you referred to, they are "fully developed". Being "fully developed" is incongruent with the reality that most adults are dysfunctional in their personal relationships.

"I get told I am too negative and it is off putting but I don't know how to be positive after going through years of pain."- I never tell anyone, including myself, to be Positive, or to not be Negative. It is being Realistic that goes together with mental health and better relationships.

It is not too late for you, Markness. You may never be the popular guy you wished you were in high school (I am not expecting this for myself, no matter how much healing I continue to do), but you CAN get to the point of having a loving relationship with just one woman.

Reality is not the following: Markness is incomplete in a world of complete people. Far from it.

atina


I am honestly surprised the depression hasn't killed me yet.

But can I have a second chance as an adult to live a better life now?

If I could find a loving woman, it would make up for all the years of suffering I had to go through.
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Re: Missed a chance to make a new friend/potential girlfriend

Postby atina » Mon Dec 12, 2016 6:34 pm

Dear markness:

You wrote:" I am honestly surprised the depression hasn't killed me yet." - I am surprised my anxiety and distress didn't kill me yet! It is amazing to me how much pain people experience and still live. Which is a good thing to remember when you do feel great distress, anxiety: it will not kill you!

"But can I have a second chance as an adult to live a better life now?"- yes, you can have a second chance and live a better life now, absolutely. Only expect a better life to happen slowly and gradually, not an instant thing. The more attention you pay, the more you practice a new behavior, the faster. There will be significant progress in months and more so, in a few years of paying attention, learning, practicing, learning more etc.

"If I could find a loving woman, it would make up for all the years of suffering I had to go through."- I don't think a person can make up for past suffering. You can though, make a better present and future, one hour, one day at a time. No progress is too small to be made, and tomorrow progress is built on today's small progress.

atina
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