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A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

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A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby evenlife » Mon Apr 25, 2016 3:32 pm

Hi, I'm 19 years old and English is not my first language so If you don't understand something please feel free to ask me. My story is similar to a lot people in this forum, and I'll love to talk about it here but I'll let that for another time. Today I have to comeback to college after a week of hiatus, I've a test today but that doesn't bother too much right now, what makes me so nervous is to see people I know... especially a guy, that the week before this last one, I said him that I liked him and he kissed me and sh*t, that day it didn't feel right I wasn't happy... actually I didn't feel anything, then the day after that I'd have a panic attack which last about 2 days long and literally when I saw him again I knew I have to stop whatever was happening because it was driving me crazy, so I told him when my class finished I wasn't ready to have a relationship with anyone because of my anxiety, I told him before I was an really anxious person (I didn't say much about it because to be honest I just can talk about this with my mom and my best friend who also suffers from anxiety without feeling uncomfortable, and tumblr doesn't count) and he was very comprehensive thank god (even tho he throw me some neurotypical stuff like "when I was in high school I went through some sh*t and I understand blah blah blah, I mean he tried at least right?), but I'm still dealing with the feel of guilt I feel like I played with his life or something.

My psychiatrist told me I did the right thing because it'd been worse If he'd started to feel things for me when I wasn't ready and to be honest I really didn't like him in that way, I just felt comfortable with him which is a rare thing for me to feel with anyone except for my two best friends and my family. My question here is: Does this ever happened to you? Did you misunderstood your feeling for someone?

Oh, and since I started college like almost 2 years ago, my phone give me a lot of anxiety, mostly because of this chat apps, I hate them so much. I know is weird because people with social anxiety usually hate phone calls and prefer texting, I don't love phone calls but I rather do a call than texting. And today I know that will be a problem because I think I have group project/thing for a class and I wasn't able to turn on my phone for the whole week I was too scared, so probably they are gonna be mad at me, I can't make excuses for this one, I used to say my phone was broken or something like that but I know people are not stupid. Jeez.

Also, I'm afraid I don't just have anxiety and you know, anxiety attacks in general. I'd skip classes in the past because I didn't feel like going and when I'd more energy, way back, I stared projects out of nowhere without never finish them, I don't know If I have mood swings tho... I guess it doesn't count if I'm dissociating, but there's day when I'm anxious and sad and when something good, as small as it can be, happens I suddenly feel happy? I always feel like people doesn't entirely like me even when is about my closer friends and I always fear that I'm gonna go insane. I don't fit in a lot of BDP symptoms tho, so I think it may be other consequences of the anxiety but it scares me that I might have something else.
Last edited by Casper on Mon Apr 25, 2016 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Removed name. For safety purposes, please don't post your real name.
repeat after me: i can and i will. i may not get there right away. i may fail multiple or even hundreds of times. but i am going to pick myself back up and eventually get to the point i want to be at in my life.
dx OCD, GAD and SAD
Mental Health blog: https://idontscream.wordpress.com/
evenlife
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Re: A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby Alucard » Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:09 am

Hi there.

To answer your first question of
Does this ever happened to you? Did you misunderstood your feeling for someone?


Yes. It happened to me more often when I was younger and I wasn't fully aware of how severe my own anxiety was. Often times when I became comfortable around someone and because it was so rare, I mistook those feelings for a feeling of attraction to them, then I'd become dependent upon them for my happiness, and then I grew fearful of them abandoning me, so I'd jump through ridiculous hoops to try and keep them near me and away from everyone else. It's a mess and it's something that has been helped the more progress I make with my anxiety. It sounds like because you didn't really like that one guy in the way he thought you did, it was a good idea for you to tell him you didn't want a relationship.

Phones . . . phones . . . you're right. I am one of those average persons with social anxiety who prefers to text over phone calls because 1) the sounds of my own voices bothers me 2) I think other people are listening in on my conversation and judging how I speak and what I say and 3) because it's hard for me to express myself verbally.

But I have done what you did. I have turned off my phone or simply just ignored messages or calls because I was too scared to pick up or too nervous to answer the person on the other end. You may have ignored them for a week and they may be a little mad but try not to beat yourself up about it. It's something that you have to work on, something you have to learn to deal with, and that will take time. We all have to go through it, so you're not alone!

I still do the same thing you stated: skipping classes because my energy level was impossibly low and then suddenly jumping out of bed and starting a million projects and writing down a million ideas that I never finish. They're still not finished. And then I keep them for years for some reason, all the papers just stacked in places i don't need papers. Even the sudden mood changes, where you'll be feeling down on moment and then something small happens and you feel happy--I experience that too. Part of having anxiety in general is focusing so closely on ourselves that we analyze what we do so closely we start worrying everything and the sun is wrong with us. Anxiety makes us overthink a lot of things, remember that! Most likely you don't have anything wrong with you. Most likely you will never go "insane" or experience anything like that.

If you have symptoms that are bothering you, I would suggest talking to your psychiatrist and just being truthful about everything. Other than that I would just like to say you're not alone in this, we all experience the things you described one way or another!
I like living in the world in my head because I'm in charge half the time.
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Re: A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby evenlife » Wed Apr 27, 2016 1:09 am

Thank you for your reply. First of all I love your nickname, I'm guessing you are a fan of Hellsing and I like that anime a lot.

I'd a good day today so I don't trust in my opinion in this exact moment. But I did settle my goals a few days ago when I was really anxious and I still believe I can do it now. I want to learn how to be alone without feeling sick or having a panick attack, I want to be a better student and I want to learn how to be barista (lol I know out of the blue but it is what I want). You really take a weight off my shoulders 'cause sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself inside my own illness, so to know I'm not the only one who experiences this type of situations or behave in a certain way tell me is not abnormal, it is what it is. Jeez I was like is this something to do with my anxiety or am I just getting more ill?

By the way, how are morning for you? Because mornings are hell for me, even tho I'm on meds and I take sleep pills I just can sleep until 8:00 a.m if I'm lucky and I always wake up with anxiety.
repeat after me: i can and i will. i may not get there right away. i may fail multiple or even hundreds of times. but i am going to pick myself back up and eventually get to the point i want to be at in my life.
dx OCD, GAD and SAD
Mental Health blog: https://idontscream.wordpress.com/
evenlife
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Re: A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby Alucard » Thu Apr 28, 2016 1:40 am

You're welcome. And thanks! You know, I based my nickname on a song from my favorite rapper, then I decided to google it one day, found the Anime, and now I honestly say it's one of the only Anime shows I enjoy!

I think those are great goals, and hey there's nothing wrong with being a barista! At least it's something you would like to learn that you would enjoy. And I'm glad knowing you're not alone in this helps take the weight off your shoulders! Anxiety can convince us of so many things, it's good to have people reassure you that you're alright! :)

Mornings differ for me; I'm not on any medication. For instance, this morning I woke up extremely anxious and disorientated because of a recent string of recurring nightmares probably caused by the anxiety in the first place. If I know I have something to do the next day I will go to sleep anxious and wake up more anxious. If I have nothing to do I won't go to sleep anxious but I will wake up anxious. But I have other mental health issues besides anxiety that sometimes influence how I feel, so sometimes (very rarely however) I get a break and wake up without anxiety. But I"m sorry that even with meds and sleeping pills you have trouble sleeping and waking up without anxiety. What kind of anxiety do you wake up with?
I like living in the world in my head because I'm in charge half the time.
Alucard
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Re: A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby evenlife » Fri Apr 29, 2016 3:20 am

I have intrusive thoughts at first, usually when I'm still dreaming, it always tell me I'm about to wake up, I don't understand what I'm thinking but I know I feel like sh*t, then when I do wake up I feel really nervious like something bad is about to happen, I breathe harder and my chest hurts. I stay in bed until I can't bare the silence anymore and I turn on the tv. I am usually very irriate at that point and I don't want to talk at all, like to even try it is a challenge. I feel tired as f*ck so I watch tv, I wait a while in bed. I have this other part of my personality that hates to feel pity for myself, I don't know it makes me really angry so... I end up pushing me to do my daily stuff which include taking my ""happy"" little pill, that makes all the physical symptoms go away like "puff" -magic-, but the anxiety doesn't go away until I go to the internet and distract my brain (that's my usual coping method). I realized meds do make you feel better but they don't control your emotions nor thoughts, and I can still being anxious even when my body is calm.

Also, today I saw the guy I told you about in the first post, he's a major trigger now... I'm so sorry for him, but I don't care anymore to be honest. We were in a group of people, they were talking and more people joined and I was really anxious already because he was there and I started to panick BUT like real panick, my thoughts went crazy here and there like I was running a marathon, I coudn't look at him at that point, I handle to kept my soul together for like 15 minutes (ave maria purisima D: I don't know how), and I got angry when one of the guys touched me, he just touched my foot it was an innocent thing he wanted to know If I have tickles... but I freaked out and like 2 minutes later I said I was leaving, gave them my goodbyes and got my butt out of there. Suprisingly meds can't save me from triggers either.
repeat after me: i can and i will. i may not get there right away. i may fail multiple or even hundreds of times. but i am going to pick myself back up and eventually get to the point i want to be at in my life.
dx OCD, GAD and SAD
Mental Health blog: https://idontscream.wordpress.com/
evenlife
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Re: A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby Alucard » Fri Apr 29, 2016 11:29 am

Hmmm, that's a very interesting and obviously frustrating thing to wake up to! Have you ever spoken to a physician about it? I have to say I haven't experienced anything like that, only something similar when I used to wake up often in panic attacks: couldn't breathe, couldn't feel my hands, arms or feet, and dissociated really badly. It's good that the medication takes care of the physical symptoms, that's what mine used to do as well when I took them, but it's the mental part of it all that is the real nut kicker. Another coping mechanism you could try if you ever get sick of the internet is doing something really physical with your hands, like taking something apart or putting it back together. Or doing some repetitive, physical thing. It's a method I use sometimes to help focus my brain from intrusive or cyclical thoughts to the front of my brain where I need my focus to be.

But I admit I use the internet more often. Not good for the eyes. But way more interesting than tearing up loads of paper or stabbing cardboard, or taking apart a gaming console and putting it back together lol.

yeah meds don't save you much in the way of actual thoughts, they never will. Sorry that seeing that guy caused such a triggering reaction with you, it's hard to calm ourselves down when we get so lost in thoughts that we can't hold onto; it happens to me often as well, so you're not alone. But I must say you stayed longer than I would have; I have a tendency to just get up and leave and people are like "where the hell is she going?" and I just keep going until I can't hear them anymore lol.

There are some good "resourcing" and awareness coping mechanisms for situations like these however, if you're ever interested just let me know, I learn a bunch of new ones from my psychologist all the time I wouldn't mind sharing.
I like living in the world in my head because I'm in charge half the time.
Alucard
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Re: A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby evenlife » Mon May 02, 2016 12:46 am

Yes, please, I'll love to. I'm considering doing Yoga or something like that as well. People said is good for anxieties in general, I want to try it again. Last time I did Yoga I wasn't as ill I'm at this point of my life, I remember it was so boring hahaha but who knows? Maybe I discover the water is wet and finally figure my life out. Oh, and If you can, please send me some blogs or websites where I can find good articles about psychology too, I'll be very thankful.
repeat after me: i can and i will. i may not get there right away. i may fail multiple or even hundreds of times. but i am going to pick myself back up and eventually get to the point i want to be at in my life.
dx OCD, GAD and SAD
Mental Health blog: https://idontscream.wordpress.com/
evenlife
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 43
Joined: Sat Apr 23, 2016 4:43 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 28, 2024 9:31 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: A guy I said I liked him, fear of my phone & other stuff

Postby Alucard » Tue May 10, 2016 6:26 am

Yoga is a great idea! It is a little boring :| However, you could make it fun, play music or something maybe. I sound like a complete nerd here (because I 100% am) but Yoga does wonders for mental and physical health alike. I remember before all my energy was gone I used to do Yoga every morning and every night and my back pain was gone, my muscles never ached, and i found myself very content after doing it. It's would be a good thing to do when you're feeling slightly on edge too. Meditation is said to as well, but I haven't perfected that yet so I can't say anything about possible benefits.

I have to say there are some really good blogs on psychcentral.com There are really good ones on social anxiety and depression and general psychological health. And there is a whole archive of personal blogs of people who are mental health advocates, struggle themselves, and offer a bit of advice and inspiration to their readers. There are also tons of articles by professionals and such, that may be helpful.

Psychologytoday.com also has some good articles :)
I like living in the world in my head because I'm in charge half the time.
Alucard
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Posts: 434
Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 1:36 am
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