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My son masturbates in my bed

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My son masturbates in my bed

Postby riyada » Wed Nov 09, 2005 3:44 pm

I have discovered a month ago that my son gets in my bed and masturbates there, leaving a his spill..
He is 13 years old .. I am divorced from his mom and I live with my girlfirend. My son is a very loving kid, with lots of good friends around him and he does excellent in school.
I have no clue how to approach this with him to duscuss it.
Any one has experienced a similar one like that?
Cheers
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Postby quiet-loner » Thu Nov 10, 2005 2:42 pm

A 13y.o. boy masturbating is about as normal as it gets however leaving "evidence" in your bed does seem a little weird.
Perhaps he is turned on by your girlfriend and is aroused by the thought of masturbating where she sleeps?

I'd be tempted to casually ask him to wash your sheets, without mentioning the masturbation, next time you find "evidence". If he's smart he'll get the message without the need for an embarrassing argument.
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Postby seanetal » Thu Nov 10, 2005 11:09 pm

When I saw the original post I was wondering how I could address this with something that wouldn't make your son feel ashamed of his masturbation and possibly mess him up for life. After all if you can find a healthy 13 year old male who doesn't masturbate I'd be amazed. Anyway when I read Quiet's response I realized that was exactly it.

He does need to be aware that your bed isn't the most appropriate place for him to masturbate, but leaving the mess may simply be an accident. If it is accidental, then having him wash the sheets will definitely make an impression - and he will be embarrassed but not to the point of shame.

If he is "leaving his mark" because he is upset that you are with a new woman then there may be more to consider.
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Postby riyada » Thu Nov 10, 2005 11:23 pm

Hi there.. Thanks for your replies.
It is not an accident.definitely.. because that is his second time round.
And I think quiet is right by saying that he feels sort of "horny" for my GF. He also likes her a lot, so I would rule out the gealousy part.. He likes it when she is around(in a healthy way).
I am not sure still how to go around telling him to wash the sheets, since the most he does is throw his laundry in the dirty clothes basket, and all of a sudden to tell him to throw my sheets is a bit off the usual.
I have never yet spoken to him about sex and masturbation, since the topic never comes up, I think he is too young still for that.
So Iam still stuck.
Can't see my self saying to him : "So my son, are you masturbating yet, dear?"hahahaha..
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Postby Angel » Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:59 am

It strikes me in your post that you feel your son is too young for a talk on sex and masturbation. Exactly how old do you feel he has to be? Do you want to wait so long that when you finally do sit down to talk, he can tell you more ways to have sex then you currently know about for your own self?!! :wink:


If your son is engaging in masturbation...you need to look at the fact that he's DOING this NOW!...and not focus on his age. Besides...as much as parents hate to wrap their minds around this one...there are MANY 13 yr. olds having sex. Check the stats...it's pretty scary when you see 12 and 13yr. olds having babies...and it's not because they were raped.

Maybe a small part of why your son is masturbating has to do w/ the fact that he has questions. He has hit the age of curiosity. The biggest favor you can do for your son is to sit down w/ him and have an open and honest talk. Let him know you are aware of what he's done in your bed. Tell him although he should feel no shame in this act, you'd feel more comfortable if he kept this to either his own bed, or bathroom and let him know he's expected to take care of his own "mess"! The more open and matter of fact you can talk w/ your son, the better. You don't need to be all flowery in your language! Shake w/ emotion and fear on talking the subject on the inside but try to appear calm on the outside! You know there is no shame in this, now is the time to let your son know. He needs to know that masturbation in itself is not shameful. But he also needs to know that there are appropriate times, places, etc. to masturbate. Ask him if he has any questions on sex. Ask him if he has a girlfriend ...ask him if he has thought about having sex...find out just how far that goes.

But do your son a favor. Don't stick your head in the sand and pretend nothing is going on because you don't want to embarrass yourselves. Talking about sex.....well there are a lot of things we talk about w/ our children that can sometimes bring about a sense of uneasiness...but it's our job as parents to talk w/ our kids and educate them. I know you feel 13 is young and he might not be ready for the "sex" talk....but again....I encourage you to give your son more credit for his age...remind yourself of the type of society we live in and it's attitudes on sex...and realize that if he's already masturbating in YOUR bed....what better time is there then now to talk to him? ............you said that this topic has not yet come up? Are you waiting for him to come to you? That most likely will not happen. I think you've just found your cue....YOU need to approach him!

As far as your girlfriend goes....maybe for now start out w/ the sex conversation. If in the course of your talk you feel concerned that this has anything to do w/ your girlfriend and his feelings about her...whatever that range could be....approach it then. Take it slow...but I can't stress enough for you to be open and honest. And make it so that he knows now...early on...when he needs some straight talk ...he can count on his dad! Our kids should feel that when it all comes down to it...they can turn to us and talk to us. They shouldn't feel they have to hide from us...least not important things like this topic. Adults say how they want their kids to be able to talk to them about sex, drugs...all those big teen issues.....well...we have to help them bridge that gap in communication!!!
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Postby Guest » Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:58 pm

I agree with queit loner and seanetal. Sorry Angel but I'm assuming your a girl and girls do the talking thing pretty well but boys don't. If you sit the kid down and have a serious talk about masturbation you'll just freak him out and make him feel ashamed; he'll probably develop a complex or something. Everybody knows that boys masturbate (a lot :lol: ) but no teenager wants to be caught at it.
Riyada, if he's never been asked to do the laundry before he'll really get the message, besides he's old enough at 13 to start helping with household chores.
Do the big sex talk in a month or so, that way he won't associate it with jerking off in your bed.
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Postby Angel » Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:32 pm

I'm a girl and also a mother. Everyone keeps focusing on embarrassment. I guess how you handle the conversation can result in embarrassement. And sex talk in general can be uncomfortable between a parent and a teen. But those conversations still need to take place. Teens need to be talked to on this subject. The kid is masturbating in his own father's bed. No wonder we have problems w/ teen pregnancy and STDS in our society like we do w/ everyone just wanting to put their heads in the sand and pretend nothing is going on w/ their children....just because it might feel a bit awkward to talk to them.

Give the kid credit. He can masturbate and choose his parents bed....I don't think he's too worried about embarrassement at this point. If he was worried about getting caught and awkards moments w/ dad....I doubt he'd choose dad's bed.
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Postby quiet-loner » Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:59 pm

Angel, it's a guy thing. We all masturbate but getting caught at it is seriously embarrasing. It probably hasn't occured to him that his "evidence" might be noticed so if Riyada can avoid making him feel embarrassed or ashamed he should.
You can't catch anything or get anyone pregnant by masturbating so it's best to pretend ignorance of that aspect of a boys sexuality when doing the sex talk.

Riyada, if he's never been asked to help with the laundry before maybe that's where you should start. Try telling him that he's old enough that he should start helping out more. If he's helping with the laundry as a routine part of his weekly chores he won't be too freaked out if you ask him to wash your sheets next time you find "evidence". He should still get the message that he's been caught though.
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Postby riyada » Fri Nov 11, 2005 2:07 pm

Thanks for all your replies.
Its tougher for boys to do all that talking..

I think that jr doesnt realize that the evidence he leaves in my bed is VERY noticeable, since its whitish and the same color as the bed sheets. So I think it would be in vain telling him to change my bed sheets, since it won't drive the message thru.
Plus i push him hard to do his clothes and bed sheets as it is.

Maybe I should talk to his mom about it and let her do the talking, making sure to tell him that I am not upset about his masturbation as such(since I and every normal boy at his age does it), but that I am upset that he does it in my bed !!!
And then just get some feedback from her.
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Postby Angel » Fri Nov 11, 2005 3:39 pm

well of course you can't get anyone pregnant via masturbation....I'm married w/ two young children...I think I know that! But what everyone keeps missing is that this isn't a male ADULT...this is a 13yr. old boy who's obviously starting to explore his own sexuality. I think now is a very good time to start talking to him about sex and find out exactly where his emotions lie w/ that.....have an honest open talk w/ him that hopefully leaves him well educated so that when he starts dating in a couple years...if he's not already dating....he'll be armed w/ the best information....in this day and age....he probably won't wait til he's married to have sex and just stick w/ masturbation. I think when you have evidence staring you right in the face that your child is starting to come into his sexuality ...it's time to have a good talk about sex and find out where he (or she) is at w/ everything. Find out just how much they know and how far they feel they are ready to go at this point.

The parents in this situation don't even have to bring up the topic of the masturbation and deal w/ that soley. However I still think there is a way to talk to your child that can be done w/ as little embarrassment to the child as possible. It's all in what you say and how you say it. No one wants to get caught having sex or masturbating...even adults...well ok...there are some that get off on it!!! :wink: ......but seriously....when it's your child...in this day and age w/ our society's views on sex....at what point then DO you talk w/ your child about sex???? At what point do you stop pretending it's not going on and actually sit down and talk about things so your child is educated properly w/ all of this? coming into your sexuality for both boys and girls is tough.....there are lots of questions....I really feel there are good ways to handle the subject....the more open and honest you can be w/ your child....it can take away that shame and embarrassement factor. The boy in this situation has nothing to feel shameful about and the talk needn't be handle as though he should. But there should be some sort of education conversation.

It's just my opinion. We all have varying opinions on this one....we probably won't agree. But I'm glad to see we've all brought our views to the table on this one to discuss.
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