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Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

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Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby girl24651 » Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:51 pm

.What I'm about to say is extremely embarassing and I have been holding this secret in for years. I can no longer cope with it, I feel disgusted, ashamed, and very depressed because of it.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself. About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as I know many of you may think this is the root cause of my issues.

I have had talks with two different therapists and they both said there was nothing wrong with what I did, I was just a curious young girl. However, I can't seem to hold on to what they tell me. I think I would like to get the opinion of the general public.

First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset. Secondly, one main reason that i'm depressed is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a child!! Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing?? PLEASE PLEASE help me, I can't stop crying and I feel like my life isn't worth living because of this stupid thing I did as a kid. Is this really so abnormal to 'experiment' when you are a kid? I've heard that masturbating with objects or stuffed animals is not abnormal, so is it so abnormal for a kid to use a pet?
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Re: Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby michijo » Fri Dec 02, 2011 7:59 pm

Some women are into that! I read one woman's account of letting her dog give her fellatio, and she said it was better than any man. Women get into strange stuff. I sometimes think women have a much more bizarre sexuality than men. Like my ex-girlfriend had sex with a traveling carnival clown on a bridge walkway. Think about how strange her mind must be, to want to have sex with a man with a clown costume on and a horn around his neck in a public place.
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Re: Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby girl24651 » Fri Dec 02, 2011 11:28 pm

Except that i'm not into that, I was 12 years old. As a 23 year old i'm not into anything weird; hence this depression I'm going through. Thanks for your comment.
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Re: Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby michijo » Sat Dec 03, 2011 1:55 am

Then don't worry about it. It sounds like some kind of strange obsessive compulsive ideation. You are probably too normal or something. Its like a normal American girl who feels weird because her parents never took her to Disney World. In was probably just some weird form of masturbation.

By the way, are your parents Christians? Christians really produce strange psychological damage in their children.
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Re: Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby SecondTime » Wed Dec 21, 2011 11:00 pm

Hi Girl,

I'm sorry to hear about your emotional pain regarding this incident. I have a few thoughts on it.

First, it doesn't matter what we're talking about guilt only has a purpose insofar as it can get you to change your behavior (hopefully for the better). You've decided that wasn't a good thing to do and now you don't do it. Good job! Guilt did its thing, now you're done with it. Let it go. There is absolutely nothing more you can get from it.

Second, I do think it seems worse in your head than it really was objectively. Was the cat physically hurt in the process? It didn't sound like it. What it sounded like is that neither one of you really understood what was happening. I doubt the animal was hurt or traumatized. Again even if it was, that's not a good thing, but at this point all you can do is let it go and move on with your life.

Third, it might help you get past it and let go of the guilt if you sort of ritualize a response to create balance. Like when some people break up with their significant others and throw away/burn pictures. It's just a way of saying, "I'm done with that, and it's out of my life now, and I have X action I can look back on to make it tangible." In your case I would suggest something like donating a sum of money that you feel is fair to an animal shelter. Or maybe adopting a homeless kitty and giving it a good family. Any tangible act that you can perform to say to yourself, "this is restitution and now I have closure." Then whenever you think back on it going forward stop yourself and say, "No, I performed XYZ and now I'm done with that."

Four:
girl24651 wrote:First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality.


"Sex" is kind of a meaningless term to begin with. It's incredibly subjective. There's no black and white here whatsoever. It's not like doing Y isn't sex and doing X is sex. Some people will say Y and X are both sex and some people will say neither of them are sex...and it doesn't really matter to begin with. An activity is just an activity and how we classify it doesn't change the essential nature of it. Basically "a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet." Calling it a rose or not calling it a rose doesn't change what it is. Same here, we can call it sex or we can not call it sex, but either way it simply is what it is, no better and no worse for being called something else.

Anyway, just a few thoughts. Take care and feel better.
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Re: Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby Elguapo176 » Thu Feb 02, 2012 7:49 pm

It's extremely common for us to have our first masturbatory experience by accident. Thats because As a brand new adolescent, we still understand Pleasure from a child's perspective. That means that when ANYTHING feels good, we enjoy it from a perspective Of innocence. That also means that sex of any kind (including masturbation) is totally outside of our realm of understanding. It boils down to a common theme where we find a new Physically pleasurable sensation.... With no understanding or WAY of understanding of what we're doing.

So give yourself a break. While I can understand why you're embarrassed, I can also see clearly that you have absOlutely nothing to be ashamed Or embarrassed about.
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Re: Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby Tricky787 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 1:11 am

I have read with intrest your plight, and after much thought about it, i have to say being a normal guy who has hurd of many starnge wonders, your fear and worries are not something you should feel you need to dwell on, im not trying to pass it off as silly, far from it, but at the age of 12 most people girls and boys alike find strange feelings when it comes to our bodys, you are no differnt than any other young women, to be far on yourself why not try to tell your partner, make a night to sit down and talk about your younger days and bring it up i think you will find he wont laugh at you, its clear you didnt make a habbit of it, and it doesnt look like it came from any other problems in your life, but to carry on feeling guilty and feel bad about yourself really isnt good, you need to have someone you trust tell you this is ok, it really is ok. there really is nothing to be ashamed of, and in no way should you let it affect your life now after so many years, injoy your life put it behind you, feel good that you have talked about it, dont let this small part of your childhood make you unhappy. trust your partner and open up to him it will bring you closser and bring closure to your worries. i hope in some small way you find the words of normal people like yourself realize that we all have parts of our chidhood that we as adults dont fully understand, but it doesnt make what we do wrong in any way.
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Re: Please help!! Extremely depressed about my past

Postby mart111 » Sun Oct 07, 2012 8:34 pm

My goodness girl, yuou have some MAYOR ISSUES!! Not for what you did, but for what you think you did. Exploring once sexuality at that age is nothing to be ashamed of. The fact that you did it with your cat has very little to do with the issue you are making it out to be.

"What if someone finds out?" How exacly would they find out if you don't tell anyone? If your bf finds out and he is not a wackjob, most likely he will say "So?, what's the big deal?" But it is all in your head.

Personally I don't find that horribly wrong, a little weird, maybe, but you think it is an abomination, it is not! If you would've done it with a twinky or a banana, you'd probably feel the same.

I wish you luck~!
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