HOCD or am I gay?

I've always been slightly OCD. I couldn't stand folding papers, I had to have my tennis rackets exactly perfect, books aligned and certain things as such. I've never considered myself OCD before now, only attentiveness.

I'm 18. I have always been attracted to women. I remember when I was 9 looking for a nude magazine my uncle stashed, my first time masturbating to women, and my first crushes. I've never felt more than a "oh he's handsome" to a man. I would do that, and reassure myself that I am straight because I have always had crushes on females. I've always been after girls, chasing girls, imagining myself with girls, and the likes. Never with a man.

I had been chasing my current girlfriend for about 4 years. She was the ultimate in my perfection, and when I finally got with her, I was certain we would marry. I knew that I had always loved her, and now that she loved me, my life would be complete. However, the moment we got together, I was whisked halfway across the country to spend winter break with my family. So my girlfriend and i resorted to sending each other dirty text messages to each other. One night while she was sending them she text back "I can't do this anymore. I don't feel this sexually attracted to you. This isn't the real me". I felt shattered by her lack of sexual interest, and resorted to masturbating to my weight gain fetish. I never had a problem with my unusual fetish, but this time it made me feel like a freak, and I underwent a period of mania. I questioned if I could ever love my girlfriend again, and then my first thoughts of being gay came. While the gay thoughts left, I still felt depressed and manic. I eventually reunited with my girlfriend. After a while we drove to a parking lot to get intimate for the first time. As she put her hands down my pants I knew something was wrong. After several attempts, I could not get erect. It was at this moment I began to start having these intrusive gay thoughts.

My life has been a blur since then. I've questioned my love for her, my sexuality, my everything. I no longer work out at the gym (a former love of mine) in fear I may reveal gay feelings I never realized. Everytime I see a man I feel anxious and question as to whether I could develop a crush on him. I look at women, and while I feel attraction, I don't feel the overwhelming sense of sexuality I felt before my HOCD (or hidden homosexuality), although I either consider this an effect of HOCD or the fact I have a girlfriend. I feel like I love my girlfriend, although the thoughts of being gay prevents me from feeling like a liar everytime I'm with her.

Any advise at all for what I may be feeling? Thank you.

Hey,

My honest opinion is that this is mainly OCD-related. I also want to add that I think you have an 'open' mind about things, which is contributing to this. Your open mind allows you to see the 'truth', which is that some men genuinely are nice to look at, even for heterosexuals. The fac that you have OCD, however, makes you then question and obsess about why you are finding males attractive when deep-down you feel heterosexual. Look at me: I'm 100% heterosexual (whatever that means...) but I enjoy looking at some men based on how attractive they look. I like looking at Christian Bale, David Boreanaz ('Angel' from the Buffy the vampire slayer), etc. It is only a societical 'nuance' that men must not find other men attractive, but don't listen to that.

I really do not think you're gay, and so maybe focussing on the OCD issue will alleviate your problems... ...you think?

Kevin

I just want to reinforce what Kevin has said. I don't think you're gay. Not being able to get it up could be due to a range of factors and it's more something you've got to get your head around.

I tried to explain how I got over it on another thread in this forum "Fear of turning gay (mind tricks?)" so check that if you want. I am confident I am straight, but I like to look at other men and this, "oh nice facial hair, nice body etc" I can look at someone and think they have a good jawline etc. Have you ever looked in the mirror and liked some sort of hair style you've made or felt that you looked good at that time, in the mirror?(or this maybe me and my ego ) I think it's almost the same sort of attraction but with that there can't be any sexual attraction. I mean by looking at someone of the same sex it doesnt make sense that we should be repulsed, how would people socialize if that was the case? I think your anxiety comes from your realisation that you are not unattracted to men which is natural, it is just a different attraction to that of to a female. The anxiety will just be prompted by that incident you had.. but I mean there could be a range of different factors for that.

The0ffspring