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Extreme Transvestism/Exhibitionism Urges...Need Answers

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Extreme Transvestism/Exhibitionism Urges...Need Answers

Postby Randy » Tue Jan 15, 2008 11:47 pm

Hi there, i'm an almost 24 aged virgin, never been in an relationship or date, haven't had proper friends since the age of 7. Still live with my parents. Had "friends" at school and college but no one really outside. I am usually quite a happy person but i can hide the fact that where i live, i feel trapped and nothing much is changing in my social/sex life at all. I don't feel comfortable with the city i live near. I would love to go nightclubs but i just can't stand the specific city i live in. Reasons being, i don't want to go there on my own, and the guilt that i've lived in that area all my life and don't have anyone i can call a friend.

This is the back story to what i'm leading up to. I was quiet as a child and even quieter as a teen, to the extent i was very withdrawn at High School, where i talked less and less and people didn't want to do anything with me. Since then, there has been a promising recovery but i find myself not getting along with slightly more people, either for being too quiet or in unstimulating in conversation. I have never been nasty or cold to someone for badness. I find it frustrating, and i get angry for not standing up for myself which i feel i am very capable of doing.

Let's get to the main story. Since leaving High School, since i was 18 i have had sexual fantasies of crossdressing and exhibitionism. I have had to come to terms after strong anti-gay feelings, that i wasn't 100% straight. I like now being this way.

I find my exhibitionism fantasies to be extreme and have had a strong urge to live them out. I rub my nipples while fantasizing, as they feel highly sensitive. The crossdressing is pretty extreme too, as i'll explain. My exhibitionism fantasies involve myself in a nightclub stripping or even ripping all my clothes off and having sex with usually, another man on a stage. My fantasies used to be more tame. As for the crossdressing, i always see myself wearing very revealing clothing as i believe i look good as a woman. I still fantasize about stripping and sex in a nightclub as a woman too. I have 2 different fantasies, crossdressing at a Trannyclub or going to a gay club dressed normally. As for straight clubs, i somehow feel women wouldn't be too thrilled if i started stripping, not that i have a bad body, just, they're not as horny as guys? Unless i was prompted by a girl, maybe.

This is not just something that remains in my head. When i was on holiday in San Francisco, away from the trappings of home, i went out as a girl wearing not very much. I ended up in a nightclub and dropping my shorts to expose my genitalia on a busy dancefloor, then rubbing it against another man and trying to masterbate, but then the guy pulled them back up, and didn't do it again. I almost lost my virginity that night.

Before that, back home, only as a test to prove i could become an exhibitionist, i stripped naked as a train passed by in a quiet country area. This is something i will never do again, as i'm only interested into exposing anything in nightclubs. The reason? Because you get admiration and great adrenaline from it and not disgust. That was all in 2005, and i have to say i think about the San Fran holiday alot, and how i would like to do it again, because for me, there was so much more i could've done. I did this behind my parents backs, but i felt i had no other choice but to and have no regrets about it. It changed my life, but i feel a desperate need to do it once more and take it to more extremes but where i live, is holding me back, still with my parents remember. Of course i would still like a normal boy/girl relationship but i'm feeling unable to do anything about it.

As you can read, there is obvious narrcissitic and attention-seeking tendencies here. I have a high opinion of myself and my looks. The thing is, i don't seem to come across as particulary attention-seeking in college. I do wonder how i became like this, it's not down to birth only. I think it's the years of repression of social withdrawn that has played it's part. One reason i did it for was to change myself in a big way, to be more socially confident, i felt when crossdressing, that, that i could develop a female alter-ego of myself. However, when i did crossdress, i still felt socially conscious.

Right now, i am just in a frustrating position where i cannot do a thing in the city i live in. It ain't the type of place to cross dress i tell ya, lol. I've really been getting sick of conforming and what hundreds of other people do, go to work. They say life is work and play. All i seem to get is work, i never get to "play" if you know what i mean. These urges definetely interfere with my work to the point where i feel i am living a lie. Also, the fact i have not bonded with anyone of the opposite sex for nearly the last 2 years. I do think if i was "unleashed", the whole exhibitionism thing could become a weekly basis, so i want it to happen again so much but i don't know when. I do think sometimes maybe it is a good thing i'm "under control" because, even though i don't see it going any more worse than sex, i do think i could land in trouble?

To round up what i want to know is, is my condition just more than having 2 different Paraphillas Transvestism and Exhibitionism? Should i seriously consider mental help?
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Postby jasmin » Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:35 am

Hi, Randy! If you wouldn't hurt anyone and if this isn't causing you pain, I don't think you need to get mental help. Getting a girlfriend would probably be good for you and you wouldn't feel so isolated any more either. I hope someone else can give you a bit more advice about this.
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Postby aspieguy.wordpress » Sun Jan 20, 2008 12:13 am

I'm gonna reply in length when I get more time. I too have had some tv fun tho only in private wanking sessions. You are brave....and horny. SFO sounded fantastic. Just like you its gotta be skimpy and tight. And like you I too look good cross-dressed.
When your age I too found it so difficult/impossible to speak to women. If it wasn't for my wife I would never have lost my virginity. I suggest you start a blog at sensualwriter.com - describe your fantasies, incorporate appropriate images - create a miniworld of your own sexuality. I have found it very theraputic and has increased my sexual confidence. Hint: take it nice and slow when with others - you are too fast.
see www.aspieguy.wordpress.com for my recently posted experience of mild asperger and childhood depression, comments wecomed. How to recognise and how to cope.
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Postby Randy » Tue Jan 22, 2008 4:30 pm

Concerning the first reply, that i shouldn't need mental help. I sent an e-mail with the same story to an online real psychologist and he gave me this reply:

"There is far too much here for me to address in a brief reply. Since you seem to want to understand yourself more deeply (I glean this from your final question about two paraphilias), I do think you should seek the help of a psychotherapist. "
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Postby jasmin » Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:27 pm

I'm sorry, Randy. I guess they know better. I don't think you have any thing to feel guilty about, though. You could find a therapist to make you feel better.
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Postby Randy » Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:08 pm

Aspie guy, concerning about having a blog talking about your sexual fantasies. I have kind of done something like this, i have made my own website about my obsession with exhibitionism, where i talk in much greater detail how i became like this, however, i don't talk very much about the social aspect though. Some other aspects is i feel like i have been moulded into this by the culture of today, like the way women dress to the internet.

I remember when i started to want to have sex with an audience, and i would've liked to become a porn star. This was definetely after i started looking at porn on the internet. Not going to happen of course, but i thought, it would be great to create a scene like something out a porn movie and a nightclub seemed the likeliest option. Actually, i don't really look at porn much at nowadays. I would rather act it out than look.

I have come to accept this is the way i am, because i do feel like a decent part of my mindset is a woman. However, i do not come across as camp or gay, just feminum looking. I have taken online tests where i have high emotionally intelligence(hallmarks of a female). The sex of my brain is closer to a man than a woman but closer to a woman unlike the average man. All this from an online test.

This is one of my deepest secrets. Sometimes i go through phases where i would "rather be woman", but this is always when i feel horny and touching myself. I still feel overall, there's no way i would "change", as i am into manly hobbies as well, and prefer women sexually.

In my little experience, i have struggled to talk with girls at times, but i don't really see this as a confidence problem and more of a lack of social skills/experience. The time i was in a straight nightclub, i found myself to be bold when approching women and this was all by myself.

It's also frustrates me that i am unable to dress as a women these days. I want to have the full, heavy make-up which i've never really had and just the odd lipstick and thin eyeliner pencil. I feel this is all brought in by my hormones.

I just feel to fill the hole in my life i would want a mix of the extremity and the normality. The extremity of exhibitionism and the normality of having a straight relationship. I cannot help but feel it will be a matter of when i do these things again, and one day i want to do enough and be happy and proud about my "hijinks" and then return to innocence and normality. However i am always aware of the risks, and might not have a happy ending. I could descend into a viscious cycle of this odd and frenzied behaviour and descend into drink and take drugs or get thrown in jail for obscenity. I know i just have this wild and unhinged streak in me. You just don't know.
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Postby Randy » Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:15 pm

I guess people are getting a bit bored with me droning so, here's my colourful website of my obsession that covers it in more detail.

http://www.angelfire.com/blog/hottransvestitesindy
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Postby jasmin » Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:19 pm

Hey, Randy! We're not bored with you. That's a cool website. I like Xena too.
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Postby e. » Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:13 am

There is a guy I discovered on Youtube a while ago named David White. He makes independant films but dresses as a woman to tell the story of the film. Here is his myspace site.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu ... D=16307157
It almost seems like this was a way for him to express himself much like how you are describing, only he is doing it through filming himself. I have struggled with my own sexuality for years, ever since I was about 10 years old, although I don't necessarily know I would feel freedom in engaging in a lesbian type situation.
Anyway, check Davids website out. His account is no longer on Youtube but he does have his videos set up on his myspace page.
If that link does not work, it was easy for me to find by going into the regular search browser and typing in The Double Life of James Lipton. OMG i am pigging out on this ice cream (choc chip cookie dough) save me please from this ice cream!!!!! :P
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