Hi there, i'm an almost 24 aged virgin, never been in an relationship or date, haven't had proper friends since the age of 7. Still live with my parents. Had "friends" at school and college but no one really outside. I am usually quite a happy person but i can hide the fact that where i live, i feel trapped and nothing much is changing in my social/sex life at all. I don't feel comfortable with the city i live near. I would love to go nightclubs but i just can't stand the specific city i live in. Reasons being, i don't want to go there on my own, and the guilt that i've lived in that area all my life and don't have anyone i can call a friend.
This is the back story to what i'm leading up to. I was quiet as a child and even quieter as a teen, to the extent i was very withdrawn at High School, where i talked less and less and people didn't want to do anything with me. Since then, there has been a promising recovery but i find myself not getting along with slightly more people, either for being too quiet or in unstimulating in conversation. I have never been nasty or cold to someone for badness. I find it frustrating, and i get angry for not standing up for myself which i feel i am very capable of doing.
Let's get to the main story. Since leaving High School, since i was 18 i have had sexual fantasies of crossdressing and exhibitionism. I have had to come to terms after strong anti-gay feelings, that i wasn't 100% straight. I like now being this way.
I find my exhibitionism fantasies to be extreme and have had a strong urge to live them out. I rub my nipples while fantasizing, as they feel highly sensitive. The crossdressing is pretty extreme too, as i'll explain. My exhibitionism fantasies involve myself in a nightclub stripping or even ripping all my clothes off and having sex with usually, another man on a stage. My fantasies used to be more tame. As for the crossdressing, i always see myself wearing very revealing clothing as i believe i look good as a woman. I still fantasize about stripping and sex in a nightclub as a woman too. I have 2 different fantasies, crossdressing at a Trannyclub or going to a gay club dressed normally. As for straight clubs, i somehow feel women wouldn't be too thrilled if i started stripping, not that i have a bad body, just, they're not as horny as guys? Unless i was prompted by a girl, maybe.
This is not just something that remains in my head. When i was on holiday in San Francisco, away from the trappings of home, i went out as a girl wearing not very much. I ended up in a nightclub and dropping my shorts to expose my genitalia on a busy dancefloor, then rubbing it against another man and trying to masterbate, but then the guy pulled them back up, and didn't do it again. I almost lost my virginity that night.
Before that, back home, only as a test to prove i could become an exhibitionist, i stripped naked as a train passed by in a quiet country area. This is something i will never do again, as i'm only interested into exposing anything in nightclubs. The reason? Because you get admiration and great adrenaline from it and not disgust. That was all in 2005, and i have to say i think about the San Fran holiday alot, and how i would like to do it again, because for me, there was so much more i could've done. I did this behind my parents backs, but i felt i had no other choice but to and have no regrets about it. It changed my life, but i feel a desperate need to do it once more and take it to more extremes but where i live, is holding me back, still with my parents remember. Of course i would still like a normal boy/girl relationship but i'm feeling unable to do anything about it.
As you can read, there is obvious narrcissitic and attention-seeking tendencies here. I have a high opinion of myself and my looks. The thing is, i don't seem to come across as particulary attention-seeking in college. I do wonder how i became like this, it's not down to birth only. I think it's the years of repression of social withdrawn that has played it's part. One reason i did it for was to change myself in a big way, to be more socially confident, i felt when crossdressing, that, that i could develop a female alter-ego of myself. However, when i did crossdress, i still felt socially conscious.
Right now, i am just in a frustrating position where i cannot do a thing in the city i live in. It ain't the type of place to cross dress i tell ya, lol. I've really been getting sick of conforming and what hundreds of other people do, go to work. They say life is work and play. All i seem to get is work, i never get to "play" if you know what i mean. These urges definetely interfere with my work to the point where i feel i am living a lie. Also, the fact i have not bonded with anyone of the opposite sex for nearly the last 2 years. I do think if i was "unleashed", the whole exhibitionism thing could become a weekly basis, so i want it to happen again so much but i don't know when. I do think sometimes maybe it is a good thing i'm "under control" because, even though i don't see it going any more worse than sex, i do think i could land in trouble?
To round up what i want to know is, is my condition just more than having 2 different Paraphillas Transvestism and Exhibitionism? Should i seriously consider mental help?