Unsure about my sexuality, unsure where to go for advice!

Very wise! Thank you for the insight, I appreciate your listening to me and giving thought to my troubles. I'll look into psychotherapy.

You are welcome and if you need to post more on this thread, I will read and answer. Anytime.
atina

Thank you, Atina! I really appreciate your listening to me. I wish it were as simple as "I'm gay," haha, or I really understood how to confront whatever issue it is that I have... perhaps I ought to look into therapy. I just feel silly doing so because materially I have no problems, and I think I have a good emotional support system among friends and family. I'm not the only person in the world with parents who don't openly express emotion, but most people have no trouble developing physical attractions to others or falling in love!

Hello again!

You wrote: "I'm not the only person in the world with parents who don't openly express emotion, but most people have no trouble developing physical attractions to others or falling in love! "

Reality is, as I found out late in life, that true, most parents lack, well, lack a lot, and this is why so many, many, most people- if not all, haven't yet met an exception- have so many emotional problems. Not all have trouble developing physical attraction like you wrote, but those who do not suffer something else: eat too much, drink too much, drugs, misery (zillions of psychiatric diagnoses to accommodate the millions and millions...)

So, I wouldn't minimize your experience of lacking intimacy with your parents because most parents alre lacking. It hurts each child, to be rejected by a parent, just the same if he was the only one or if everyone is (rejected). As a child you don't have this thinking going: I am really hurt by reaching out to my father and him not even noticing it, but I am not as hurt as otherwise because i know there are other kids out there that are also rejected. Actually (the "crazy" thinking can go on): I feel much better because there are other kids out there physically beaten and I am "only" subtly rejected.

It doesn't work like that, doesn't happen like that. there is no "subtle". Subtle or "not so bad" are terms you develop later in life. As a young child, it just HURTS.

atina

I never thought of it that way. I am glad I am aware of this l, especially in case I decide to have children of my own. I can already tell that I'm too guarded with a lot of people.

But I am not sure what to do about this particular young man. We've spent time together twice, and both times have engaged in sexual activity. I enjoyed it but am not attracted to him the way I would be if I had romantic feelings for him. I am not sure I ever will be, not because there is anything wrong with him but because of these thought patterns that I have. I'm not saying that I could dedinitely never develop feelings for him, but that I don't know either way. It feels like I don't understand my mind at all whereas most people do in this way. I'm also afraid that I could simply legitimately not be interested in him and that I'm making a mistake by continuing to get to know him.

For what it's worth, I have explained all of this to him, so I don't feel as though I'm leading him on in every sense since he's aware of it. He's very kind, patient, understanding and insightful, and willing to spend time with me and listen to me despite my frustration and confusion. But he also likes me a lot and it would pain me so much to hurt him. I have trouble seeing past his- or anyone's- flaws, and although I have an understanding about how I need to work on this now, I can't ignore nagging doubts about whether we would "work" or not, and this makes it hard for me to find him attractive, I think. Or maybe I just would not be interested in him anyway.

I'm sorry about this long post! I'm petrified of hurting him, and at the same time I would like to date someone. But those are not good reasons to stay with someone. I'm just venting, I know ultimately what I do is up to me. It just feels good to type it out for some reason.

hi again:

With this particular young man, if I was you, I would change the interactions with him from boyfriend to friend, put away the sexual relationship and be friends with him. It makes sense to me. Until and if your feelings for him change or become clear to you and until - and if- you feel confident about your state of mind regarding him, keep him as a non physical friend. Talk, that is all. Do the mental intimacy.

post anytime.
atina

He's really understanding about it all, he's in no hurry to find the love of his life, which is nice. But I still feel pressured for some reason. Sometimes I think it's no more than that I would very much like to fall in love, although at the same time I do genuinely think he'd be a wonderful person to date. (as I typed that, however, I could hear my mind second guessing itself even with that simple statement) I'm just sad because I don't feel any passion or excitement or real attachment towards him. I wish I did. I'm almost apathetic. I also feel guilty for being so selfish.

Dear shvyedka:

Is it not that there is something bothering you, continuously bugging you, trying to get your attention, like an itch that needs to be scratched... a realization that needs to be realized, something that needs to be seen?

You are with this guy. He is okay with it being what it is, no false promises, just the moment. You are completely honest with him... but I am thinking (as I type this) that you are not honest with yourself, the point above, first paragraph. There is some truth that keeps trying to get your attention.

Something you don't know and therefore you can't be honest about it with him. You don't know it yourself except it keeps bothering you.

I am thinking as I am typing, so I don't know what comes next... maybe you feel guilty and so uncomfortable about being with him because your mind is set already: you know there will be no relationship with him, that you are not at all open for one and you didn't tell him that. You may have told him and yourself: maybe there will, but deeper you know there will not. And you didn't tell him there will be nothing else between the two of you.

And why wouldn't there be something else? Because you are set, you already decided that you are not going to be hurt again. The Intimacy Issue.

You are not the only person who had emotionally unavailable parents, correct, yet it hurts as if you were the only one. There are different types, unique experiences of such unavailability for different people, unique circumstances, so comparison with others is not trustworthy.

So back to your experience with your parents. Do you remember a point when you decided, long ago, to no longer try to reach out to them? A moment when you decided there is no love coming from them and you no longer need it, or expect it and you decided to stay away from them... from others for good...???

atina

There is, if only because this is something that has cropped up several times. I'm emotionally exhausted because I keep trying to explain how I feel although I don't properly understand myself what's going on. I mean, now I have a better understanding of it, but I don't know how to go about fixing the problem. I would love to solve this issue within the context of this relationship, but I am not sure that would be possible, and I feel awful when I think of that.

I am trying to remember a specific instance or point in time when I decided it wasn't worth it to expect my parents to be emotionally available to me. Honestly, I can't remember even trying to share with my father how I felt about anything. I remember when I was anorexic I tried to explain to him how I felt and he didn't seem capable of seeing it from my perspective, so I stopped, but that was only a few years ago. I guess whenever I tried to share my feelings with him there was a really obvious lack of response, and I understood even at the time that he was just uncomfortable. I also remember that he didn't cry or express any kind of feeling when my grandmother died (she was easily far more emotionally unavailable than my father is), which shocked and saddened me.

I can discuss feelings with my mother, but she also has simply never seemed interested in hearing about the way I feel about things unless I have a problem that needs to be solved- does that make sense? I like waxing poetic about things, and she doesn't seem to understand or relate to that.

I do know that somewhere along the line I just decided that I must be the sort of person who does not really share their feelings in personal relationships. (I'm not sure if that statement makes good sense) I feel a lot, and when I do I feel really strongly, and it usually seems to hurt. I hope I don't sound melodramatic.

i am getting some insight here:

When you shared recently, a few years ago, with your father about being anorexic at the time, maybe you did think: "He is feeling uncomfortable about his own feelings, this is why he is not responding to me. " With a maturing thinking on your part, you saw the connection between his emotionally unavailable mother (your grandmother) and your father being unavailable.

But notice this: with the immature thinking of a young child, you could not think that way. Then you must have thought how young children think: "Something is wrong with ME." And, notice this: "Something is wrong with FEELINGS."

So when you expressed some feelings to me in your last post, you ended with stating you are hoping you are not melodramatic. This indicates to me you think feelings themselves, something is wrong with having them.

When your father did not respond to you as a young child, did not respond AT ALL, you believed there is something wrong with you for having feelings.

So therefore, you must be uncomfortable about feeling at all, whenever there is some significance to a feeling.

This is probably work to be done in good enough psychotherapy. In the meantime, pay attention to your discomfort in just feeling, pay attention to the small things, nothing is too small to notice and learn from.

Post anytime.
atina