Sexual fantasy with my dad

I will try to keep this short with only as much background as needed because it could become way too long, way too fast.

I've had an attraction - if that's what you want to call it - to my father ever since I can remember. I've long thought it was just me. BTW, I am in my early 40's now and this physical part is long in the past, though I still fantasize that I am basically 17 again.

Point being, as with nearly every boy and father, at one point or another you showered together. I can remember as a very young child my dad lifting me up under the shower head, etc. Of course, when he did this, I'd have to be up to his chest. I remember my feet poking around at his penis level.

Anyway, this happened relatively often. I would suppose I was 4? I do have a long memory. As I grew, though - we still showered together. I'd say six or seven. He clearly wasn't picking me up then, but I was very much at eye level with his cock.

I remember he bumped into me a few times. At first I thought innocently. I am still assuming to his day, it was innocent.

He NEVER as I recall - did anything to my genitals.

But the weird thing now - I am wondering all these years later if he was trying to get me to do something.

And beyond that - fast forward to my teen years, I started trying to get him to play along with some things. Nothing overtly sexual I thought - especially at the time - though I knew I got hard easily.

We wrestled and I always worked to grab his nipples or something. I'd shove my finger in his navel

Anyway, he'd play all "hurt" and lie there. And one day I distinctly remember falling onto him - at the chest and my mouth was over his nipple - i sucked it a couple times.

He initially batted me away - joking around - you're gonna turn gay.

I THINK he knew. Who knows.

This went on. Then escalated. I even took a health class just so he'd think I was learning stuff about the human body. Which I was, but I was not exactly instructed to find a human to play around with.

I told him I needed to check him out. Something for class.

I got him to lie on a table in our basement. I opened his shirt and his pants. He asked why I needed his pants open. I didn't realize he didn't have underwear on. I quickly zipped him up .

I was never really into that part of it. Just touching him, etc was fine enough.

And I liked the wrestling around and him playing out the role of the victim.

I KNOW my sexuality is ingrained in me from birth. It's not that I think my dad way back when he held me in the shower - that I somehow 'changed" - but I am curious if that is when I got the attraction to him.

OR if it's even more deviant.

I am not afraid of being a pedophile. I have never had those urges.

It's more the opposite. I have a huge desire to be with a guy that was my dad's age when I was 15.

I don't wanna be that age again. I just like those type of men at that stage in their life.

Point is... I'd be interested to know if by chance -- all those years ago - in the shower - my sexual desire today is what it is -- because of that

I am not even angry in any way.

BUT, I still fantasize and even masterbate to those ideas.

I have a huge guilt trip about it, but it's sometimes the only way I can masterbate to completion.

Odd.. I know.

I have never really talked about it because people would clearly think father/son incest. It's not like that at all.

At least I don't think it is.

Do not feel guilty or worried. There are 6 billion people on earth each with their own sexual identities. You would not be the first boy to feel sexual attraction for your father whether or not he was trying to seduce you. He obviously loved you very much and may indeed have had similar feelings to you. Enjoy his company and let things happen as they may. Don't worry or fret. take care.