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Triad Relationship

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Triad Relationship

Postby Mystical Female » Sat Jan 06, 2007 2:14 am

I am very new to this forum stuff. I have learned of this website from web searching... I am a happily marrired 32 year old female. About 8 or so years ago I told my husband that I am bi sexual. He was very understanding (what man wouldn't be)...

I then told him that I would like to find a female to join our realationship... After some searching online (I know, i know..Not the best place to meet someone) I began to talk to a woman who I ended up knowing from a pervious job. We talked and kinda "caught back up" on the life events since we parted jobs. We really hit it off... We met several times and it was like an instant connection!!! I really liked her and my husband did as well.

I knew she was married (NOT at all happily). I also knew that she had kids. She told me that see was very interested in entering a "triad" realationship but she couldn't be completely involved due to her being married. She told me that she was going to end up leaving her controlling self centered spouse (i know him also).. I felt that she was well worth waiting for...

Well I fell in love with this woman, as did my hsband... We understand that leaving a marriage is not that easiest thing in the world to do but we agreed that we would wait for her...

That was 4 years ago... She is still married ( has a son ready to graduae next year) and it has been a hard road for us all... My husband and I wants more than she can give right now and there is sometimes that we forgot that she has "another life"...

We have went on vacations with her every year... We have a great time when the 3 of us are together....

[b]My concern[/b] is that the only time I feel she has accepted herself as "bisexual" is when we are intimate or when she is drinking... I mean she tells me that she loves me (us) several times a day everyday... but when we are in public she keeps a safe distance from us (especially me) and she wont even tell her closest friends about it.. Now granted her younger sister knows and is 100% acceptant of it... I have asked her hundreds of times if she is ashamed of who she is and of us but she says no.

I hope that someone can shed the light on my thought or even have lived through this and can share their stories...

If anyone has anything to add or if I have left unanswered questions... Please ask me and don't judge me or my marriage...
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Postby mezi » Sun Jan 07, 2007 8:36 am

some affections are held in the highest reguard, only when occuring on an idealic level.


if you are approaching this relationship earnestly and not using it to compensate for a lacking necessity in your primary relationship, ie. your husband, then you will find that patience comes easlily.

none the less , you may want to check your want/needs with the understanding that, though, you may provide something for her, it is clear that her husband/family do also. I suspect that she finds more solace in the idea of sharing your famililia then the reality of it.

if i seem gruff please forgive me, i respect polyamorous culture highly and do not want you to feel like im being critical on accout of narrow ethics,...


but..

i notice you mention her son for instance, you didnt seem to reflect on his responce/reaction to your rather bold proposal, nor do you mention the age/gender of the other implyed "kidS" what is the age/gender of her other child ? . Strikes me that you should, if begining a relationship with a lover, aim to empathise with their needs and some needs of their loved ones, you said her critisism of her husband was that he was "self centered" i would take this to heart, and be wary of prioritizing your wants over the "needs" of her children.

imho if you really want to accelerate this process. Find complete fufilment within yourself and you relationship with your husband, you will certenly awake in her awareness of your bliss.

seems to me that you two likely represent a freedom for her which feels oppressed around her husband/childeren, the very conundrum of the mundanity of life. If you were to become her daily bread , then, i suspect, no more could you provide her with trancendance from the ordinary... hark... hear this well, perhaps the greatest struggle we all face is imbuing meaning within our lives.



perhaps your " concern " should be... are you happy? are yours happy?

try it on, see if fits a little better then "are you comfortable with homosexual pda's " (public displays of affection.)

she might just love/need it
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Postby Mystical Female » Sun Jan 07, 2007 8:01 pm

mezi,

thank you for your inspiring words... seems this "saga' is quite a bit more in depth... My lovers other child is a mature 19 year old.. My husband and I both have understood the needs of a child as we have a pre-teen daughter of our own...

the issues are: We have only met her son a few times.. I dont expect her to reveal her lifestlye to her son or her daughter.. However, her husband does not allow her to have friends outside of the people that she works with and/or people who are mutual friends of him as well...Also, we have NEVER met her daughter at all..y husband and I have met her younger sister and I have met her father... She has an older sister who lives in an another state and we have never met her either..

Furthermore we have allowed her to meet all of our family as we want her to feel welcome into all aspects of our lives. My husband and I hav a very solid relationship with each other and we both understand my sexual preferences...

Whenever she is not with us she is very unhappy and spends most of her time in her bedroom or just sitting around..

She is a true victim of verbal abuse and is totally controlled by her husband.. She has to account for every minute of her time when she is not home and she can't be gone for vrty long without being "questioned" for hours...

I don't support being the "other woman" but i also can't sit around and watch someone that i deeply care about live in misery. Therefore I allow her to "lie" and makeup excuses to see us whenever it is possible...

As for the PDA's... I am not expecting physical advances.. but it would be nice to be introduced to people she greets as her friends or something... There are times when she stops to talk to co-workers etc... that we are just left out.

The painful thing is... Knowing how badly she hurts when away from us and there is NOTHING that we can do to help her...

Her husband doesnt think he controls her and everytime she tries to talk to him, he turns it around to be all about him and his needs..

As having patience, we are patient... But when is enough a enough....We dont want to lose her but we also dont want to wait for someone who may never choose to live the life that they so desperately want to live......
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Postby SWFemale » Tue Jan 09, 2007 3:15 pm

Advice learned from previous relationships. :? .. if you feel as if your goals arent going in the same direction, better to cut your losses now....
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Postby Mystical Female » Tue Jan 09, 2007 4:38 pm

SW... that is easier said than done.... Can u explain your previos relationship.... and in my opinion... U cant just turn your feelings on and off... Love is love and I really love this woman...
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Triad

Postby SWFemale » Tue Jan 09, 2007 5:04 pm

My previous relationships include semi-serious boyfriends, and one or two serious ones. One of which was a major serious relationship. We found out after about 2 years that we wanted different things in life. And although I still love this person and we see each other and talk, we can not be together in a romantic way. We had different goals...
We were smart enough to realize it and moved on without regret or hurt feelings.....
You are right, love is love.. and sometimes you have to just accept the love, but recognize the differences as well. In your posts you talk about the differences, and in my opinion, these differences maybe what you need think about, and then ask yourself if you can continue living with them. You asked when was enough - enough... and that is only something you can answer. Only you can determine if you are truly happy - and if not; admit it, and move on.
I am not an expert in relationships, and definately not in the type that you are in. (however I am interested in learnign more) Its whats worked for me
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Postby Mystical Female » Tue Jan 09, 2007 5:22 pm

SW... to be honest... we have talked with her about what and where we see ourselves in say 5 years... and we all want to be together however it is her husband (the self-centered controll freak) that is holding her back...

She is living in fear and I dont know how to help her!!!

I am by far an expert either but i am willing to talk to whom ever about this type of relationship with the hope that we can all help each other....
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Postby SWFemale » Tue Jan 09, 2007 5:32 pm

How does one go about getting into this type of relationship? What happens? What do you and your husband look for in a person? Guess I am just curious.
As for her husband, i would say if she hasnt gone yet, she isnt. Can you handle that? Maybe you need to look at singles
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Postby mezi » Tue Jan 09, 2007 8:39 pm

i tend to agree w sw, you should turn to singles, you believe her husband is "holding her back" i dissagree. I think she makes the choice, maby in 5 years she will leave him, then you will have a chance. but i assure you, you need to seperate in your own mind for your own peace if nothing else 'her leaving him' and 'her being with you'
what you precive as 'his power over her,' i see as 'her preceived need for him,' you can be supportive but shes gonna have to grow through her current relationship by making her own choices. you can encourage her sence of personal power but she needs to feel powerful in her own accord in order to act it on.
if she is feeling dominated and controled she is certenly exercising this 'secret affair' on order to restablish a sence of her own self determination. As you yourself are already in a sexual relationship with her, it will limit your leverage. which is fine, because you cannot be unbiased. she could likely use the ear of a therapist, it might allow her to grow through the fear script/lifecycle which she seeminly generates
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Postby SWFemale » Tue Jan 09, 2007 11:59 pm

Yes, I think you should refer her to a therapist, and then you and your husband search for a more open relationship. You arent going to get that with her. (So it seems)
** Any response to my above post? :D
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