Seeking a Mother Figure - Also Sexual?

I have posted here before, almost two years ago, about this same issue that seems to present itself. (I couldn't retrieve my password so I just started a new account). Here is the post that I made about what I was feeling at the time and going through: http://www.psychforums.com/sexuality/topic101315.html#p1258202
It is relevant to the rest of my post.

So that woman I mentioned in that post was my former coworker (I changed jobs). We still talk sometimes, and eventually my feelings of both intense need for her presence and interaction as well as sexual feelings subsided. But I am writing here because now this is happening again to me, with someone else.

I live in a small complex community. I have slowly gotten closer to my female neighbor, who is, again, old enough to be my mother and probably around my own mother's age. It started out as small chitchat when we would pass each other in the complex. Then she invited me over to look at some books that she thought might interest me. The invitation to come over or have dinner has always been there, but a few nights ago I finally actually took her up on it. I was having some of my own personal relationship problems/questions with my male partner and having a really bad night of it (something which we have since worked out and are quite content again together). So I called and asked if she minded if I came over. I ended up staying for hours and we talked about everything from trivial things to sexuality to feminist issues (something I feel very passionate about, and which she was on the general same page on) among other things. I left feeling much much better about the situation with my partner, and much closer to a person who, for all intents and purposes, had been a stranger to me several hours before.

Again, I am with the same partner that I think I mentioned in the first post, and we are very happy. We are very satisfied mentally emotionally and physically together. I don't think that's the issue here. But I am starting to, in my interactions with this woman, feel this deep internal pull towards her, like I want her to fill this hole in my heart that I have from lacking an affectionate and compassionate mother. As I mentioned in my last post, I do have a mother, and I see her fairly regularly, but she just doesn't seem "there" for me. She is very emotionally flat and apathetic. I can only imagine if she were to see a psychologist the things she would be diagnosed with. I think a lot of her lack of affection and distant-ness comes from the loss of her own mother at the age of 12 to cancer and living with her emotionally abusive, alcoholic father until college and then never coming back home. She never had a real mother figure in her life for a large part of her childhood-teenage years and so to her credit I don't think she knows how to be one that well. But, this doesn't change the fact that I feel very distant from her still.

Anyways, the more I interact with this woman I mentioned, the more I feel I want to be close to her. I kept imagining myself, when I was at her apartment talking late at night, when she asked if I wanted to stay on her couch, getting close and cuddling in her bed. My imagination in this regard hasn't really gone to any sexual places at all. It's just that the more interactions I have with her leave me longing for some physical intimacy (such as cuddling, or a hug, or leaning up on her shoulder, her playing with my hair, etc.)

Also every little interaction with her gets me so worked up - I get a text from her and my heart jumps. I over analyze what she says to me, and think about intensely what I want to say back. When even the smallest things she says in a negative way (such as she is busy this evening, or is at work, etc.) come through, my heart sinks into my stomach.

I don't know why I feel like this and what I can do to get over it (or get closer to her? express my feelings to her?) I don't see me having any closer of a relationship with my own mother. I've tried, trust me. Just the apathetic conversation and lack of affection shut down my feelings of wanting to get close to her. Thoughts?

Well if you were a guy, your friends would chuckle behind your back at your bromance.

Sounds like a mixture, to me. the female version of bromance. Your bisexuality you mentioned in your linked post. The desire for what you obviously miss from your own mother.... those are kinda muddled together, aren't they'?

jadeblooms wrote:I have posted here before, almost two years ago, about this same issue that seems to present itself. (I couldn't retrieve my password so I just started a new account). Here is the post that I made about what I was feeling at the time and going through: http://www.psychforums.com/sexuality/topic101315.html#p1258202
It is relevant to the rest of my post.

So that woman I mentioned in that post was my former coworker (I changed jobs). We still talk sometimes, and eventually my feelings of both intense need for her presence and interaction as well as sexual feelings subsided. But I am writing here because now this is happening again to me, with someone else.

I live in a small complex community. I have slowly gotten closer to my female neighbor, who is, again, old enough to be my mother and probably around my own mother's age. It started out as small chitchat when we would pass each other in the complex. Then she invited me over to look at some books that she thought might interest me. The invitation to come over or have dinner has always been there, but a few nights ago I finally actually took her up on it. I was having some of my own personal relationship problems/questions with my male partner and having a really bad night of it (something which we have since worked out and are quite content again together). So I called and asked if she minded if I came over. I ended up staying for hours and we talked about everything from trivial things to sexuality to feminist issues (something I feel very passionate about, and which she was on the general same page on) among other things. I left feeling much much better about the situation with my partner, and much closer to a person who, for all intents and purposes, had been a stranger to me several hours before.

Again, I am with the same partner that I think I mentioned in the first post, and we are very happy. We are very satisfied mentally emotionally and physically together. I don't think that's the issue here. But I am starting to, in my interactions with this woman, feel this deep internal pull towards her, like I want her to fill this hole in my heart that I have from lacking an affectionate and compassionate mother. As I mentioned in my last post, I do have a mother, and I see her fairly regularly, but she just doesn't seem "there" for me. She is very emotionally flat and apathetic. I can only imagine if she were to see a psychologist the things she would be diagnosed with. I think a lot of her lack of affection and distant-ness comes from the loss of her own mother at the age of 12 to cancer and living with her emotionally abusive, alcoholic father until college and then never coming back home. She never had a real mother figure in her life for a large part of her childhood-teenage years and so to her credit I don't think she knows how to be one that well. But, this doesn't change the fact that I feel very distant from her still.

Anyways, the more I interact with this woman I mentioned, the more I feel I want to be close to her. I kept imagining myself, when I was at her apartment talking late at night, when she asked if I wanted to stay on her couch, getting close and cuddling in her bed. My imagination in this regard hasn't really gone to any sexual places at all. It's just that the more interactions I have with her leave me longing for some physical intimacy (such as cuddling, or a hug, or leaning up on her shoulder, her playing with my hair, etc.)

Also every little interaction with her gets me so worked up - I get a text from her and my heart jumps. I over analyze what she says to me, and think about intensely what I want to say back. When even the smallest things she says in a negative way (such as she is busy this evening, or is at work, etc.) come through, my heart sinks into my stomach.

I don't know why I feel like this and what I can do to get over it (or get closer to her? express my feelings to her?) I don't see me having any closer of a relationship with my own mother. I've tried, trust me. Just the apathetic conversation and lack of affection shut down my feelings of wanting to get close to her. Thoughts?

Your story sounds exactly like mine always is^^. So crazy how similar actually...except for the me having a significant other right now. The same emptiness, same birth mother experience of her being just "there." The hole in the soul, wanting to be closer in almost every way to this older "friend." Analyzing every text, word; being sure what I answer back is not too weird, but has a meaning in it that is just right.. My goodness; at least I'm not alone in this strange, confusing dilemma I have found my self in a few times.

It's not like I have found this happening one person after another, (maybe 3 people spaced out in 20 years, but always idealized female teachers growing, before I understood sexuality,) but I feel like if this can bring us(rather new friend & I) any closer-I will let it. It's obviously what I really want. I'm in my late thirties, and am forever searching for something that is missing. We both have the answer-no matter how weird it makes us feel about ourselves...Sometimes you just can't help what your childhood has set you up for.

I also just recently posted in the previous forum you had started; I found it so intriguing how similliar our stories are...I grew up as the child of a preacher-always a church family, so much of the feelings I have inside, always seem to go against the "right" way of living. But your parents can't teach you some things and expect you to adhere to them-if they are going to bend some of those biblical rules for themselves. But that's a whole other story, for another day.

I will be back here again-and see if you had any other responses. But my bottom line is that you are not alone-this is something I deal with on a LIFELY, daily basis as well...

y/f, tennine- and a tad confused yet hopeful, forever.

My mom donot stop me grabbing her boobs till I hold them for some time.Even then she does not say any thing and free herself while talking normally.Sometimes I hug her from behind in a way that I hug her above shoulder and intentionally slide my hand inside her shirt top and I hold her boob with only bra on it. She kept on talking to me as nothing happened.But after few seconds she removes my hand. few time I also squeezed her boobs then she only said,"What r u doing?".Then I leave her.
Next time I again grab her boobs and nothing happened. i noticed that she didnt let me enter my hand inside her shirt when she was wearing no bra.
usually she was laying on bed with blanket on her. I sat besides her and hold her boob and we kept on talking.
She is in her fifties. I want to have sex with her but I am confused and scared how to proceed.
Any mom reading this help me and guide me.
What shud I take it as?