Hay People! 24 yr old male
Ever since I was a kid I've always felt normal up until I turned 20 or 21( I think 21). I always fancied women, fantasised about women, kissed girls at school and had a 3 year relationship up until I was 17 and never thought sexually about guys. Now, I've always got it in my head I might be gay.. My fault because 1 day I was sitting in my room smoking weed ( haven't smoked weed for 2 years now ) and I had a curious thought to look at another man's dick. So my urge to look overcome me and the video I watched got me very aroused and afterwards I felt extremely disgusted and anxious. I watched the video a few times for about a week or 2 then stopped... Never watched anything like it in 3 years but recently I got the urge to watched that same video again and got aroused. In the 3 years I've watch only straight porn but every since that day I've never felt normal and sometimes I don't get aroused and some I do. When I've watched gay porn it is only 1 guy, I've never watched 2 men having sex it does nothing at all.
I was going counselling and I felt really good, I actually stopped fighting with myself and the feeling of being straight filled my with clarity and happiness and then I stopped going, the thoughts came back and I ended up relapsing by watching that crap again...
I've had sex with 6 women including the one I'm with and its been 2 years together. I told her about 8 months ago I had something like HOCD and roughly what I thought, she was okay with it. Last week we were laying in bed and I broke down in tears because my thoughts had been grinding in my head and I felt vulnerable, so I let it out. I was feeling I was going to loose her when she's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I told her I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.
I will never have a relationship with a man or have sex or whatever!! What I want to know is, is it a fase i'm going through, is it the taboo of watching it that makes me aroused or am I bisexual or last but not least is it because my middle brothers gay and since he came out when he was 18 ( now 28 ) I felt I would, his always apparently known he was since school but we're so different but just look similar, when we we're kids he played with barbies dolls and always had girl mates and I always had action-men ghost busters toys and playstation and only had boy mates .. confusing I know
Please help and be serious