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Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

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Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby helenhopeful » Wed Aug 01, 2012 1:42 pm

I've searched around the Internet enough to know that this is not such an unusual problem, but it's driving me up the wall. My boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex or masturbation – at least, he can't when I masturbate him, although he can masturbate himself to orgasm, though he prefers not to do so in front of me.

It's not that unreasonable, I think, to want the climax of intercourse in a loving relationship to be that your man ejaculates inside your vagina. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? That natural orgasm during sex happens this way..... So what is it, that makes a man unable to come during sex?

I believe the condition is known as delayed ejaculation. That much I know. But looking on the internet for information on delayed ejaculation was a depressing experience, as you may find if you try it yourself: all kinds of suggestions about the relationship being in peril, the man being angry at the woman, and so on... but I don't feel those things in our relationship which is warm and loving, I think.

My partner does not use porn, either, so it's not that he's lost interest in me (it can happen when a man uses porn, at least that's what I found when I searched for delayed ejaculation causes), and he claims his sex life has always been this way, so it's not about me.

Anyone got any suggestions that would help him ejaculate during sex inside me?

Jay
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby kestrel » Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:01 pm

No need to go up the wall, I'd suggest :wink:

First of all, ask yourself a serious question: is the relationship worth saving? In other words, do you think you love your boyfriend, and does he love you? If not, respect yourself and walk away. That's because delayed ejaculation is sometimes a symptom of a lack of intimacy, and if the problem for that lies on his side rather than yours you might find it's not easy to change him. (think about it - how much more intimate do you get than having someone who loves you ejaculate during sex inside your vagina?)

If you do want to stay in the relationship then you need to get the right treatment method. There are several of these, the most common being sensate focus, although my boyfriend and I cured the problem by using Tantric sexual techniques. What I suggest you do is research 2 things on the Internet: sensate focus techniques, and how to cure delayed ejaculation. That way should get all the information you need. The point being, your boyfriend needs to be much more aroused so he can ejaculate during sex.

The cure for delayed ejaculation is actually really simple - a hot, intimate, sweaty, physical, orgasmic, relationship with a real person whose heart is open to you, and to whom your heart is open. Frankly, without real communication and genuine intimacy, this is a problem that's not easy to solve. With those things, delayed ejaculation serves as a catalyst for a better relationship, much more intimacy, and fantastic sex.
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby dunce » Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:17 am

Hi,

Firstly there's nothing natural about sexual intercourse and certainly it is not suppsed to be anyway. We're nott animals who have sex in order reproduce and so we attach a whole lot of meanings, emotions and feeling into the act. Heteroseual penetrative sex is just one way amid myriad ways of being intimate with another person. At the other end of the spectrum there is the idea that sex is so natural and should be the easiest most natural thing in the world. It isn't. Any guy with sexual issues such as this is in a really delicate position that needs to be nurtured and talked about. The last thing you should do is be impatient and demanding (not saying you are). Ask him to try and relax and that it is ok that he takes his time with sex and that you knw eventually he will come for you. Which given time he will.
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby Ada » Thu Aug 02, 2012 4:35 pm

Does he want to ejaculate inside you during sex?

If he's okay with it, which is implied by "my sex life has always been this way" then I would suggest that yes, you are being unreasonable. Browse around this forum, have a look at all the problems you or your boyfriend could be experiencing, and consider re-evaluating what's "natural". There's no law about how people HAVE to have sex, and if he doesn't want to change, no answers given here will make a difference. Except, perhaps, in ruining a warm and loving relationship which just happens to have a quirk in the bedroom department.

If he wants to change, I have a few other suggestions, but since he's not here, I'm responding to just what you've written. Apologies if I have read you too literally.
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby Elco115 » Mon Aug 06, 2012 10:29 pm

He can't ejaculate because he isn't turned on enough.

He may think he is, but he's not. The main reason for this is usually anxiety. Either conscious or unconscious. Often this anxiety takes the form of intimacy anxiety which can be caused by trauma in childhood. Abuse, sexual or non sexual can cause this as can growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent. This anxiety shuts down a mans sexual desire completely or at least brings it to a level lower than what is needed for ejaculation. And this is because children for whom a normal loving relationship has not been modeled equate intimacy with stress and fear often subconsciously.

They may be fine and have normal sexual functioning as long as the relationship is new or they can hold their partner at arm's length emotionally. But as soon as any given relationship becomes close this sets off the intimacy anxiety alarm bells and sexual dysfunction due to a loss of desire is usually the result.

In other young men being unable to ejaculate is often caused by what is called "porn conditioning" Guys who grow up from puberty watching internet porn and masturbating get used to the extra high sexual stimulation porn provides plus the firm grip of him own hand.

The touch of a partner and the feel of a vagina is so different from what he is used to that partner sex is experienced as under stimulating. Many of these guys complain that their penis feels "numb" during intercourse and sometimes during manual or oral stimulation by the partner.

Because he experiences partner sex as under stimulating his desire never reaches a point where he can have an orgasm. He may be able to get and even hold an erection for a long time but he is never turned on enough to take him over the top.

This is also a problem for men of any age who are heavy porn users and masturbate frequently while doing so. Many a marriage has become sexless due to husbands coming to prefer the extra sexual stimulation that porn provides and they begin to experience marital sex as not stimulating enough and begin to suffer from sexual dysfunctions such as inhibited ejaculation and E.D.

Again when a relationship is new the novelty of sex with a new partner may override the anxiety and the woman may find he can function just fine the first few times they have sex. But as that novelty wears off the level of desire drops and then is further eroded by these kinds of anxieties.

This has nothing to do with you and indeed this will happen with any women he attempts to have sex with.

Another thing that happens is this lower level of sexual desire and the resulting inability to ejaculate can also often lead to loss of erection int the long term. This is because the sexual dysfunctions themselves amplify the anxiety, whatever its source, and this creates a viscous circle of anticipatory and performance anxiety which reenforces itself until the guy gets to the point where he will no longer even try to attempt partner sex and will instead turn to a preference for porn and masturbation. Masturbating alone is not effected by these kinds of anxieties whether from intimacy anxiety or anxiety due to porn conditioning.
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby poiuy » Wed Aug 15, 2012 9:26 am

It could be a number of reasons. 1= he could be gay. 2= he might not be as attracted to you as he claims and is just settling. 3= he could have some kind of sexual dysfunction whether it physical or mental due to years of frequent masturbation. 4= if your man is circumcised, his disfunction might be caused from that, because of the lessened sensitivity. If you want more information on that click on my name and look for the post I posted titled "circumcision problems".in the og post it explains the probs from C. And in a response I made goes in to detail about creating an artificial foreskin. 5= also he might be masturbating more than he admits. For peak performance no more than 2 orgasms a week.
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby archangeldeb » Tue Nov 06, 2012 7:57 am

1. What do YOU want? If you really cannot be in this relationship without ejaculation inside you occurring - every-time, some of the time, none of the time - then walk away. Your boyfriend will need your loving support and a relationship that is undemanding, unpressurized and supportive to deal with this. If you cannot accept this and offer these things, then walk away for his sake and yours. This will be a long journey but is most definitely something which as a loving couple can be worked on to achieve some positive results.

2. Encourage him to talk about it and ask him if together you could get some medical checks done. Sometimes this condition has a medical cause. You will need to give a lot of patience, love, understanding and support for this. He may not feel he wants to go down this road immediately. I can imagine it a very scary prospect.

3. Do you know much about his childhood? I ask because this condition, once physiological problems have been ruled out, is often psychological - and that DOESN'T mean it's a simple as him making a decision to just 'start ejaculating'. There can be a link with an avoidant attachment style as an adult (generally not nurtured/needs met as a child). This may be worth exploring but I would suggest you get a very experienced long-term therapist on board. One that deals with attachment as well as mind-body. You could be looking at about a year of twice-weekly therapy.

Please try and see the positive in this. You have the chance to really get to know each others bodies. Foreplay can be amazing. You can find new and wonderful ways to have sex. Have you tried having extended foreplay and then letting your boyfriend masturbate up to the point of almost but not quite and then taking over either orally or with your hands? Or even sitting on top of him at the last moment? Or simply continuing foreplay to him as he masturbates - licking, kissing, stroking? Please try to be patient although I REALLY know how personal and frustrating it can feel. If this man is worth staying around for then make a commitment to work together.

This experience can bring you closer together. Welcome it, embrace it, and laugh lots!!!

:-)
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby candi » Wed Nov 07, 2012 10:50 am

Your boy friend may not be that involved in you. Give him the experience of good sensous touch by proper massaging his organ and fondling the scrotum. then he will definitely reach orgasm and ejaculate.
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby Omegaa » Sat Nov 17, 2012 2:54 pm

This has started to happen in succession lately. We are married.

He can get hard but he's essentially unable to climax. I thought he wasn't turned on by me anymore. I have been intimate with him going back 7 years so I can sense this. He has also refused to let me use a lubricant insisting me that "there's no friction" with lubricant and he sounds very grumpy.

Recently, it became obvious that he has been lying to women around him (both at work and socially with other women) and he actually had some physical affair going back 3 years ago with the same woman, which all came out recently. He was having sex with her when we were looking for a new place to move to, which came as a shock.

It was only three month ago when he visited her and had sex with her. He told this woman that he was single all that time. She thought he was single. He was spending awful lot of time online chatting to her until I told this woman that he had his Wife (me). He had a lot of explicit photos of this woman kept in his computer. But there are other women he was chatting to. So this other woman wasn't the only one after all. I also noticed he was also "monitoring" my online activity.

It was only recently I had to "look" as he was spending hours on his computer not spending enough quality time between us. We talked and we decided we loved each other.

Then this. As much as he says he loves me, I started to lose hope.
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Re: Boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex

Postby Ada » Sat Nov 17, 2012 5:20 pm

It seems like his definition of "love" might be very different to yours, Omegaa. I think perhaps couples counselling might be a place to start, so that the conversation takes place on neutral ground and with a third-party to support you both in being honest and open about how things are.

Might be that he's being hampered by a guilty conscience, or that he's masturbating / having sex more than he has drive to cope with. Or a medical problem that he's trying to hide from himself and everyone else by this behaviour.

I wouldn't just ask for lubrication, I'd suggest condoms too, until you know the relationship is back on solid [and trustworthy] ground.
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