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Why am I so afraid to have sex?

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Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby Scottymctotty » Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:03 pm

I am 27 years old and aside from a few childhood truth or dare sexual experiences which I don't recall wholly, I am not experienced in the tango under the sheets. I am overweight, average in all other aspects physically. I recently began seeing this girl who now wants to have sex with me and the very thought of opening myself up that way makes me nauseous and anxious. She has told me that her previous partners were all "average" as well aside from a couple "above average" lucky men, and that I have nothing to fear if that's what is stopping me from going through with it. We have went put on a couple dates that ended with me staying by the door of her house and making a beeline to my car as fast as possible after complimenting her on her appearance and thanking her for going with me. She has tried to initiate sex a couple times, but it has made me so nervous and anxious that I begin feeling light-headed, sick to the stomach, and I get dry mouth. Why am I so afraid to have sex, and please how can I overcome this? I'm afraid that if I don't do something soon I might end up losing her and because I'm very shy it is hard for me to get a girlfriend in the first place. Thanks in advance for all your help.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby IceBlock » Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:16 pm

Hello,

How long have you been going out with this girl? Maybe it's just too soon for you and you're not ready? It takes time to build a trust between people. You shouldn't rush things. I understand you are afraid of loosing her, but if she is a decent person she won't leave you just because you need more time.

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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby Scottymctotty » Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:51 pm

We have been going out for approx 3 weeks, which isnt a very long time but we have been friends for about 4 years And while I believe she is a very good person, I have a feeling opening up about this to her might put her off.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby Ada » Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:25 pm

Scottymctotty wrote:Why am I so afraid to have sex, and please how can I overcome this? I'm afraid that if I don't do something soon I might end up losing her and because I'm very shy it is hard for me to get a girlfriend in the first place.

There's one thing right there, you're putting enormous psychological pressure on yourself. Then she's tried to initiate sex too and that's more pressure.

Are you genuinely sexually interested in her? I apologise if that sounds like a silly question, but if you're thinking "it's her or virginity for ever" you might be trying to override your own tastes and preferences, which wouldn't choose her in normal circumstances.

Is the environment she's suggesting for sex a quiet, undisturbed, safe one? If you've got worries about housemates or family walking in on you, that's going to be yet more pressure right there.

What do you think she'd say if you said you were very inexperienced and wanted to take things slowly? That doesn't expose the anxiety side of things that you said might put her off, but could mean she's more gentle with you and willing to explore and play a bit rather than rushing into full penetrative sex.

3 weeks doesn't seem very long to me either. People do it after 3 minutes in some cases, but if you're interested in a relationship and not just a quickie, then I agree with IceBlock that it might just take more time than this to build trust.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby IceBlock » Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:56 pm

Scottymctotty wrote:We have been going out for approx 3 weeks, which isnt a very long time but we have been friends for about 4 years And while I believe she is a very good person, I have a feeling opening up about this to her might put her off.

I don't think so. If you've been friends for such a long time then she knows you quite well. She probably waited a long time for you to make a move and now she might be impatient ;) But most women love when men open up to them.
BTW, you don't have to go "all the way" from the beginning. Maybe she just wants to cuddle? Women need intimacy, it doesn't have to be about sex.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby Scottymctotty » Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:59 pm

I am genuinely attracted her, albeit it came as a surprise to me at first. She isn't normally someone I would go after but we fit well together.
The environment she is indicating the sex in is her house and she lives alone, so there are no distractions or anything taking place.
I have already expressed to her that I am pretty much a virgin, no experience, and kinda anxious about the whole situation. She is taking it very well, but I still get the feeling she is getting impatient. That could be my fault though. We text a lot and talk about doing it all the time. I have no problems putting in writing what I want to do, but when it gets time to actually do it, I lose my cool. The bark is always bigger than the bite.
I know if I were drunk or something I could probably go through with it, lose all inhibitions. But would doing that help me for future times when she wants to? Because if that's what it takes, I'll drink like a fish just to overcome this irrational fear of intimacy.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby IceBlock » Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:07 pm

Do not get drunk! Seriously. It's a very bad start. Not to mention alcohol does not play well with men's "abilities".
You can't just sleep with someone cause they want you to, it doesn't work that way. Just start slowly, if it goes well you should want more :) Dim/no lights may help too.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby Scottymctotty » Thu Jul 05, 2012 6:33 pm

Thanks for all the advice, this was my first post on here and I must say I was impressed with the responses. I have finally decided to just bite the bullet and go through with it tonight. I'm still nervous as hell, but its probably all related to low self esteem, and I figure that if she is initiating it then she must think I look alright. Once again thanks for all the replies, wish me luck, haha.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby Ada » Thu Jul 05, 2012 6:52 pm

I'd love to hear how it goes! Not in a voyeuristic sense, just because I'm hoping for the best for you both.
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Re: Why am I so afraid to have sex?

Postby Scottymctotty » Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:12 pm

I'll keep you all updated, PG rated of course.
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