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coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

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coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby whatsername » Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:27 pm

My boyfriend and I have just celebrated our two year anniversary together and everything has been going rather well, except for one major area. About a year and a half ago, I noticed that his sex drive started to decrease. I have tried many things in order to spark his interest, but nothing seems to work. For a while I was even concerned that he was cheating on me.

I have talked with him in the past about this, about my sexual needs and the things I like, but even when I'd try to communicate these things with him, nothing seemed to change.

Recently, the problem has been wearing on me even more. It has gotten to the point where it seems like he is never interested in sex! It has even begun to hurt our entire relationship. It has also taken a great toll on my self-confidence. I worry about my appearance; I will admit I have gained some weight since we've started dating, and have recently been taking healthy steps in order to lose those extra pounds. I have asked him if I am doing something wrong, if he is still attracted to me, if he still loves me. He always says that he feels that everything is fine, but now it is even hard for ME to initiate any sexual activities because of my insecurities.

I have been doing a bit of research and I discovered a sexual disorder called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). Everything I have read so far sounds exactly like my boyfriend. The information I have found is astonishing and rather relieving, because now I can believe him when he tells me that there is nothing wrong with me. However, I have absolutely no idea how to fix this problem. Everything I have read says that therapy is the best way to go about it, but I don't know how he would react if I even mentioned this to him. He sounds like a textbook case of HSDD, but what guy would want to hear that? How do I go about bringing this up with him, or even just coping with it on my own? I love him very much and would feel very selfish if I let my sexual needs and his lack of sexual desire get in the way of our otherwise wonderful relationship. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby jasmin » Wed Nov 10, 2010 6:29 pm

Hi, watsername! Well, you could start by telling him how all this is making you feel and ask him to see someone for your sake, so you can be sure that you've both done everything you could to fix this.
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby needsHELP » Sun Nov 14, 2010 1:20 am

question..lack of sex, will that really start making a relationship fall apart??
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby wilsn » Fri Nov 19, 2010 7:47 am

This sounds like something my wife would write about. I have other issues that keep my sex drive very low, but please don't tell me that your whole relationship is based on sex. If that is all you guys have to depend on, you might as well give up. Sex is such a small part of a loving realationship, yet it helps to share so many wonderful emotions and expressions of that love.

Maybe, he needs some time without feeling the pressure to perform for you or maybe does have some sort of disorder, but i think you really need to sit down with him and let him know how much you love him. Take him out to a nice dinner and talk about your future together (without mentioning sex). Are you guys planning on getting married and having kids? Do you dream together?

just somethings to think about before heading to the dr office. i hope I have helped in some way.
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby Edelweiss » Sat Nov 27, 2010 2:01 am

A bit late, but I am in a similar situation to yours.

In the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend and I had an exciting sex life, which I think is largely common at first in sexual relationships in general. In the beginning we'd be having sex 3 times in a row and never thought a thing of it- and now if we did once longer than 10 minutes it would be an achievement, as within the past year it had dwindled into a series of mostly sub-par sporadic encounters.

I have talked to him about it and discussed various medical/psychological reasons why this might be happening and asked him to be upfront and honest about it, and it surprised me to learn he has some self-esteem issues over weight and performance of his own, which cause him to be kind of hesitant and disinterested now, in a way avoiding having sex because that is easier than all the baggage and thoughts that comes with actually doing it. In the beginning of a relationship you are more likely to just dive in and go after the "wants" that you have, when after you've been with someone for a while, they start to voice their opinions more- telling you what they like and what they don't- then you are always thinking about if they are liking what you're doing.. what you look like.. etc. so I could totally get what he was talking about.. but he admitted it being more about his body image issues and laziness than an actual disorder.

I think you should just put it on the table that there is a problem, ask him his thoughts on it- does he feel like its something he really can't help? or is he feeling like hes pressured to have this big sex drive/being self conscious? The sexual part of your relationship is an important one. If he's feeling awkward about it, it might be easier to discuss it with you than in front of a doctor. If he has a hard time talking about his feelings, get him to write them down and just read it. Maybe he is a classic case of this HSDD.. and if he recognizes the problem is beyond these home-style remedies then the best thing very well could be talking to a professional.

Good luck with this, you obviously care about him very much, and that can only help matters. :)
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby ladyluck » Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:33 pm

I am so relieved that there are other people out there with this issue. My boyfriend and I are completely happy in all aspects of our relationship except we are having problems in the bedroom. We are in our late twenties and early thirties and in the past few months he has completely lost his sex drive. It doesn't seem to be a physical problem because there are times when he is able to preform but the majority of the time it's a no go. He says it's not me at all, and I've tried everything; initiating, new things, everything I can think of. He's tried a lot too, he's quit smoking, cut way down on drinking, but he just has no sexual desire. He's even tried to become aroused on his own with porn and there's no response.

Even though my head understands that I'm not responsible for his lack of interest in sex it is taxing me emotionally. And no, our relationship is not based purely on sex for those of you who have so rudely insinuated previously; however, sexual desire and connection are very important. Will I leave him because he's having preformance issues? Absolutely not, but it is an issue and important to both of us. Does anyone know of any online support groups for couples like us? Or any natural remedies we could try? He's going to a doctor but as with the rest of the country the wait time to get a appointment is ridiculous so if we could work on something in the meantime it would be great.
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby manic666 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:57 pm

You say you have just had your 2 year anniversary , but it was a year an a half ago you noticed his sex drive dip. You only had 6 months of cool sex an its been down hill ever since. This dont look cool to me ,He may have a low sex drive an he first 6 months he was getting to no you an was more sexually up for it. Now he is in relationship he has slipped into his low sex mode. If this is so your sex life will never get as good as you want it, he just aint made that way.Viagra will get it up but wont put the spark in it. if you love him an this is the only issue, carnt you take care of your own needs if he dont mind, sex toys may spark him up if he see,s you use them . If not use them on your own. frustration is not a cool life to live.
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby ryanmeyer » Wed Feb 16, 2011 7:44 am

Talk to your boyfriend about your sexual desire and concerns. Have this conversation outside of your bedroom in a non-threatening way. Ask your doctor for a referral to an endocrinologist or urologist who specializes in treating male low libido. They may have other options for you to consider. If your boyfriend is currently taking medication for depression or any other medication with the side effect of lowering libido, you could ask his doctor to prescribe another one with fewer sexual side effects.
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Sex Drive Supplements

Postby kolammark » Sat Feb 26, 2011 3:58 am

Erectile dysfunction and worse libido can be fixed by Horny Goat Weed. This will draw back you full strong and longer erection and libido. Here are Viagra but can’t hit Horny Goat Weed yet’ There is no risk if you not going to take less than 4 hours apart.
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Re: coping with my boyfriend's low sex drive

Postby Alsowhatsername » Fri Nov 22, 2013 6:01 am

@whatsername, are you two still together? Any solution?
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