Deep breath Here I go. I'm a 21 year old gay male, and I'm terrified of sex, to the point that I don't know if I'll ever want it. When I was younger, like 6-8 I was molested by a close family friend, forced to do things to him. As I got older and struggled with my sexuality, I tried dating, The first guy I dated cheated on me within a week. The second guy tried to force me to do drugs. I then took a brake for a while, feeling kinda worthless. I started to go to parties and met guys 3-5 who all after a few weeks tried to force me to have sex cause I wouldn't put out. I woke up to one undressing me, and he was completely naked, I panicked and hit him, grabbed my clothes and ran. I cried outside in the cold barely any clothes on. Guy six came around, someone who I went to high school with, someone I knew. He forced himself on me before our first date even started, I stopped him and we finished the date. He then proceeded to ignore me everywhere and unfriend me on everything possible. Guy 7 was one of the better ones, he was nice and charming, but cause I wouldn't have sex on the third date he ended things. Guy eight... I had been seeing him on and off for now 6 years (so on our breaks I would have been with guys 3-7) This past year we decided to try and make things work and stay together. The first couple months were good, maybe great. Then he started wanting pictures, favors... videos. He ended up buying me a "toy" and begged me to film myself using it. It hurt quite a bit, but I did it for him cause I thought I was happy, since I was making him happy. This continued for months and months, he would stop talking to me for days at a time, and then come back wanting more sexual pictures and videos. He would call me his little slut...
Then came a godsend. I was hanging with an old friend in high school (I had a huge crush on him), he had just come out as bi, we were at a mutual friends house and we were all watching some shows. At some point him and I started cuddling and we did so for hours, no words were said, we just cuddled. The next day we tried to figure out exactly what that was, and we tried "dating". I say dating cause he still wasn't 100% sure he liked men, so it was more helping him experiment. For a week we cuddled and kissed and I felt really happy, it just felt so nice. I realized I needed to end my relationship with guy eight, cause I realized I could be happy without all the sexual favors (which always made me feel bad, disgusting...)
So I ended things with guy eight, he begged and said it was all him and that he just feels like he can do whatever is necessary to get what he wants...
My bi friend and I continued on a little after that, but he ultimately saw that this wasn't for him, we still cuddle and hang out, just nothing more than that (the time together actually made us way better friends)
And to address this concern, yes I am fine with getting aroused, I actually got quite aroused from my friend and just cuddling him, but I didn't feel it necessary to act on it, I was content with just that
Now lets get to my fear. I'm scared of being alone, that's why I've dated so much, I'm scared to be alone. And after this most recent thing with my friend, I realized I don't need sex, or sexual acts to be happy (and it doesn't help that from the almost rape encounters that I'm really scared of it in general)
I've been thinking the past two days that I want someone who will be okay with me not wanting sex, maybe I would eventually but I feel it would take a long time into a relationship and for me to trust the guy completely to have it. But then this started to fuel my fear, and develop it further. What if I can't find a guy who's okay with that, cause most guys I know, gay or straight aren't. And that has cause me to break down drying multiple times, what if I'm alone for the rest of my life? What if a guy can never love me because I don't want sex, or feel I need it...
I just don't know how to feel or what to do. I feel like I'm such a freak for not wanting/needing anything sexual.
I'm just, I'm scared. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to give in and have sex to be with someone. I just want happiness... I want to be loved for me, and not my body...