OCD and sexual orientation identity...

This is my first post on this lovely site... so here it goes. (I'm sorry it's long, thanks for anyone who reads through it and helps out, it means so much!)

This has been going on for a while, about a year. I'm about 18 years old right now and I'm a female. Just as some background information, I'd like to say I've never really 'dated.' I've never had sex either. I had a 'boyfriend' for a week (lol) in middle school and went on one unofficial date in high school with a guy. I've only ever kissed people I didn't know and or was drunk, which has both been guys and girls, but mostly guys. *Note: I also have OCD which comes in the form of intrusive thought 'spikes' and 'perfection.' For example, last year I had an intrusive thought that everybody around me was a robot and it was in my head for a couple months before it went away.

So, for the past year I've been obsession over my sexual orientation and trying to figure out what I am. It's gotten out of control is and is causing me not to sleep, and has really put a damper on my mood.

I thought since I've never played a major interest in dating, something was wrong with me (I know there's not now.) So, about a year ago I went on forums and figured out what asexuality is. I started freaking out, thinking I was asexual because I had never really been overly sexually attracted to someone. I'm quite the philosophical person and will spend hours in my head mapping out the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire and what I am really feeling... just to try to prove to myself that I'm not asexual. Similar to what I mentioned above with the 'robots,' I would spend hours in my head trying to prove to myself that the world around me was not robots, making maps, charts, and lists in my head. So, when I prove to myself somehow that I'm not asexual I feel a brick being torn off my shoulder, then the intrusive thoughts come back. To be honest, this is the longest intrusive thought spike I've ever had in my life... about 1 year and it's driving me nuts.

Then, it gets worse, I found the term aromantic (where you don't feel romantic attraction) and have had to convince myself that I'm not aromantic. And everything I get the subtle feeling I am indeed aromantic and or asexual I feel so sad and cry. I don't think there is anything wrong with being aromantic/asexual at all, I just want to experience romantic/sexual attraction... and I think I do... but those darn voices in my head always have to show me reasons why I don't feel romantic and or sexual attraction. Needless to say, every time I come across a new term I always question if I am that term... and if I don't want to be that term I go back in forth in my head convincing myself I'm not.

I've thought I was every sexual orientation in the book and still haven't figured it out. Pansexual, bisexual, aromantic, asexual, lesbian, straight, homoflexible, hypersexual... the list goes on and on...

So to clear things up (I'm sorry my words are all jumbled, I just have a lot to get off my chest,) I don't know if I've experienced sexual and or romantic attraction because I've just confused myself with these philosophical thinking patterns of... "what's the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, how do I know for sure?"

As I said, I've been on one date with a guy in highschool and it went fine. I enjoyed it actually. I really liked this guy. But was I feeling romantic attraction towards him? I seriously don't know. I, of course wanted to be his friend, otherwise I wouldn't have gone on a date with him lol.

Another part of me strongly thinks I'm a lesbian right now. I think I fell in love with a girl (who was my best friend) but once again I just can't stop questioning, "how do I know if it was "friendship love" or "romantic love." I want it to be romantic love.

I know this sounds weird, and I know sexual orientation isn't a choice, but I want to be a lesbian. And whenever I convince myself that I am truly a lesbian for a few seconds a brick gets lifted off my shoulders and I feel so free... but then I start questioning myself again. It's like this cycle that goes on and on of over thinking... over analyzing.

I'm talking to this guy right now that I think I like... but the thought of marrying a girl or being in some sort of relationship with her has always felt so free to me. I rarely like guys. This is the second guy I have ever 'liked' per say, and he's amazing... we are only friends right now but I'm starting to feel bad for leading him on I guess in a flirtatious way because recently I noticed he is amazing but there is something about that female energy that makes me feel whole... like I don't know how to explain it. But you know how lesbians say they knew they were lesbian because when they dated guys they felt like something was missing... I kind of feel that way. I don't know what that something is but it's something... I think this guy has given me butterflies, and he's definitely on my mind a lot like people describe a 'crush.' But, there's just something about even thinking about females... it's a complete feeling. So confusing.

I've never dated a girl. I've kissed a girl for maybe 5 seconds and it was bad and I was drunk. When I've kissed guys I just wanted it to end, but I didn't know these guys at all. It was random, at concerts and what not. I just did it to please the guy, not me.

A couple days ago, a girl was taking a picture of me (and I know this is weird) but she was much older then me and married, but she was tilting my head and looking into my eyes to position me for the picture... and I don't know if this is me being a repressed lesbian or something because I would NOT date a women 15 years older then me, but I felt this electricity... as if this was a female my age about to kiss me.

So, thank you for sitting through my thoughts I needed to get typed out. My main question to myself now is, am I a repressed lesbian, or just an aromantic/asexual? Am I a bisexual who prefers women?
Because, once again, the guy I'm talking to I like a lot and I wish I could give him what he may want, I've even contemplated a relationship both romantic and sexual... but whenever I fantasize about marrying a female I just feel like that tiny puzzle piece has been put back into place. I've always connected with women emotionally more than men in general. My most vivid dreams have been me actually going down on women.

My mom has been asking me if I'm lesbian too lately. Maybe I am a repressed lesbian because coming out is scary as s***, and everyone I know thinks I'm straight. I don't know if I should just tell her I am and just go from there, but my fear is I will turn out to be aromantic/asexual. Dang, I wish I never found those terms in the first place so I didn't have to question myself.

Does anybody else think this is OCD? What's your advice? What would you do if you were me relating to the guy I've been talking to and or anything else I've mentioned? I know I'm the only one who can know my sexual orientation, but you've literally just read my thought, what would you think I am as a guess? I'm open to anything anyone has to say, so be honest. Thanks!!!! <3

Off-hand: sexual feelings are largely responses to physical intimacy. That's how nature designed us, when we get close to someone, touch, look in their eyes, and so on, we get turned on. Since you haven't had much experience of closeness with guys, that would be a likely explanation for your lack of sexual feelings. Just a thought...?

rainbowstar wrote:Off-hand: sexual feelings are largely responses to physical intimacy. That's how nature designed us, when we get close to someone, touch, look in their eyes, and so on, we get turned on. Since you haven't had much experience of closeness with guys, that would be a likely explanation for your lack of sexual feelings. Just a thought...?

I know... but I have had more closeness to guys than girls when it comes to intimacy and never really enjoyed it. As I said I didn't know the guys at all, so that may be a factor.

Have you considered "trying out" different sexualities? You might consider joining one of the ethical dating sites, being open about your sexuality (or possible lack of it) and your fantasies. You might be able to connect with someone, female and/or male, away from your hometown or city, who would be willing to form a temporary relationship (which could turn permanent).

If you are indeed you are a lesbian, you have a human right to be a lesbian. I'm heterosexual myself, although I fantasize about have sex with men (although I have never met a man who turned me on). And I live in a community where gays are widely accepted. There are at least half a dozen gay couples in my relatively small apartment block who live openly in what is perhaps the "gayest" community in North America. If you live in an area where the only "normal" relationship is heterosexual, then you might consider finding a new home.

By the way, I'm fairly skeptical about "asexuality" and "romanticism". Personally, I can't imagine anyone having positive fantasies about oral sex and at the same time being "asexual/aromantic".

Other

Myotherlife wrote:Have you considered "trying out" different sexualities? You might consider joining one of the ethical dating sites, being open about your sexuality (or possible lack of it) and your fantasies. You might be able to connect with someone, female and/or male, away from your hometown or city, who would be willing to form a temporary relationship (which could turn permanent).

If you are indeed you are a lesbian, you have a human right to be a lesbian. I'm heterosexual myself, although I fantasize about have sex with men (although I have never met a man who turned me on). And I live in a community where gays are widely accepted. There are at least half a dozen gay couples in my relatively small apartment block who live openly in what is perhaps the "gayest" community in North America. If you live in an area where the only "normal" relationship is heterosexual, then you might consider finding a new home.

By the way, I'm fairly skeptical about "asexuality" and "romanticism". Personally, I can't imagine anyone having positive fantasies about oral sex and at the same time being "asexual/aromantic".

Other

Thank you for that reply!

OCD can affect many areas of your life and it's not helping you to obsess about your romantic and sexual feelings. If you think it's interfering with you life therapy is most probably in order. Maybe you should not try to label yourself as hetero, or lesbian or anything. Date who you want, male or female. Be open. There are people that are hetero, but still have feelings about people of their own sex. I think the important thing is whether it's with a man or a woman, you enjoy what you like about that person, even if they don't fulfill all of your expectations about what a relationship would be. If you stay open and in circulation it's possible you may meet someone who you make a romantic connection with. If you don't, at least you'll be having a good time and not walling yourself off just because you don't have clear idea of what you want at this time. You can also have friends of either sex no matter what your orientation and be open to whatever appeals to you.