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My father-in-law showed me his penis..AHH!

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My father-in-law showed me his penis..AHH!

Postby sunnnyside » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:06 pm

I am a 27 year old female married to my husband for almost 4 years and have a 2.5 yr old son. We live on a farm and my father in law lives in the house next door. I have been in this family about 8 years now and the father-in-law we will call him "bob". bob has always made remarks outloud about women's breasts, legs, etc. Always says sexual jokes, It didn't seem to bother me in the past...I just figured he was a dirty old man (69 years old now). He always made remarks about being one and laughing about it.
He has been divorced twice and lives alone for the last 15 years and not dating. He would comment about the way I looked and I just would chuckle. I have been a great daughter-in-law and invite him to all of my family events, take him to dinner with us on fridays, I invite in over for dinner during the week (2 times), otherwise he just sits in his recliner in his room and moeps about life. He has told me I'm the daughter he never had and I felt very pleased that he liked me. I did a lot of this for my husband and I did feel sad that bob was alone.
Over the last year he has had been more perverted and It was starting to feel uncomfortable. He would walk across the street a main road early in the am to get his mail on the otherside with only a long shirt on and nothing underneath. He likes to sit naked in his room(which is fine in your own privacy), but his bedroom window is where he sits at and when we are outside we go and talk to him. he is wearing his long shirt, but nothing on. He will take a blanket to cover, but ALWAYS mention. " Oh, I better cover up, haha." THen about 1 year ago he just decided to flash me after he made that comment. I was mortified and never told my husband. I was afraid he would do something stupid like punch his dad (which honestly I wish I could have). SO the year went on, and he continues to walk around with no bottoms on (you can't see his stuff, but you know he is not wearing anything). He hasn't been able to achieve an erection is a while and I think this has a lot to do with his actions. I think he likes the thrill of getting caught, even though he never has. This is the only thing I could think of.
So, onto this summer. He owns a lot of woods and we fourwheel and have bon fires in an area in there. This spot is Bob's little get away in the mornings when it is nice out. He would tell me he likes to sit naked out there because he feels free. Ok, I get it, but when you know people are coming out to have a BBQ with you would hope he would have his pants on. his son (my husband) has caught him naked out there, which is why when this one day I we drove out to the wood me, my husband and my son. Well as we were pulling up he was puttting his pants on. I didn't see anything, but he knew we were coming....it started out for an awkward bbq. Then I realized that he was drunk. He rarely drinks and to be drunk by noon was totally not normal. So we ate and a huge storm was coming. I told my hubby to take max home on the four wheeler and I would pick up the food and stuff because his dad was so drunk and that I would drive his home.
My Hubby left and now I'm left with a man I thought I knew and someone who thought of me as a daughter, not quite. I told him, "alright we have to go a huge storm is coming" he just didn't want to leave. He starts talking about how good it was to be naked in the woods and feel free. I said, "yeah, i'm sure it feels good, but we need to go like ASAP." Then he starts getting gross and talking about his junk. I said ok that is enough lets go. He then started talking about how he wished I would just look at his penis. I told him, I don't need to see that. He continued to stay that since I don't want to see it that I am ashamed of it. I said, I'm married to your son and have no desire to see your stuff (i said it nicely). The storm is literally here, it is pouring. He stood up from the chair he was sitting in and just dropped his pants and sat back down. I about died. I instantly turned away and staired out in space. He then started getting mad at me. I didn't understand. He then said that I don't care for him and since i won't look at him I don't care. So, i looked at his eyes and said I care, but I don't thing your son would appreciate his dad showing me his stuff. He kept trying to guilt trip me as he is pulling and tugging on his balls and penis. As this is happening my husband calls my cell and asks if we were coming. I said, yeah. We are coming...slowly. I couldn't tell him. My husband already has issues trusting men. He had his dad the only man he could actually trust and now HE has totally crossed the line with me and now has disrespected his son. I then told his dad that we have to go, pull your pants up. I went in the truck and waited for him. He eventually stumbled to the passenger door. As he gets into the truck I noticed he had NO pants on. Seriously..., well I drove him straight home. My head was spinning and to top that off. I pulled into the his garage and was praying my husband was not going to come over to help. I told his dad to go inside and go to bed( even though it was about 1pm). As I was ready to get out of the truck he said I have a question as he is tugging on his stuff. I instantly said NO, NO, NO! before he even asked the question. He then proceeds with.."just touch it, just touch it, please, just a poke." I was ready to cry/scream. I said, " I know john would be very upset with you if he knew this." He said, "it can be our little secret" OMG seriously, I wanted to run home so fast. I said, he in the house i'm going home. You can get the stuff in your truck later. I didn't want to be rude, cause god forbid he might do something stupid to himself once he realized what the hell he did. I literally ran across the yard to my house and just was blanked faced as I walked in. My husband asked what took so long. I didn't tell him at first, then I just started bhaling. I told him and he was shocked and looked pretty pissed off. my husband things any man would do this to me, but his dad, never. I didn't feel comfortable with my hubby going over there to talk to him, considering bob was drunk and possibly sleeping by now.
the next day I was flustered, mad, but by the 3rd day I couldn't stop crying. I would just be doing something and cry. My husband came home from work and I started crying uncontrolable. That is when he said he was going to talk with his dad. He went and the end result is that his dad said he had no idea what my husband was talking about. When my hubby can home and told me this I was furious. SO then, I went with my husband over there and talked with him. He saw me and started crying. Really you don't remember, but your crying..ASSHOLE. So i told my hubby to get out so I can talk with him. He said sorry and that I don't need to see no dirty old mans junk. I told him I woun't come around unless he is dressed, stops talking and making perverted remarks about me or other women. I told him this has to stop. that he may need to bring this up to his doctor that he feels the need to be naked all the time. I told him there are communities that do this, if this is what he needs, or medication for depression or something to help him. He laughed, i don't need meds, i'm fine. all in all. I didn't come around for about 2 weeks and I avoided him with all cost. but when you are neighbors you will run into each other eventually. OVer the past month I invited him over for dinner once, because he cried to me that it is sooo lonely with out my son and him coming to visit everyday and he is soo sorry.
But, of course the comments are coming back, he starts at women and is just rude and inconsiderate. He doesn't say anything about me anymore. We were at a town fish bowl that we go to everyyear. We were eating our dinner and he sees these group of highschool girls and starts commenting "just not fair, just not fair." so of course im like what ism't fair? He states, "that those young girls have such nice legs." the tone of his voice was disgusting. I said, " that is how old men get into trouble" thinking this would make his stop talking or realize what is doing, but no he keeps going. My husband just made a look at me and I wish he would have told his dad to shut up. these were little girls....so gross. Yes, to thing they are pretty is one thing, but to stare and talk about them like a piece of meat is just WRONG. THen one of my friends can with another couple. SHe had fake boobs and she wasn't showing them off, they were covered. Of course Bob, takes his glasses and slightly lifts them up while staring at her breast and says. "yup, i see them, yup, yup." How RUDE. he didn't even know her. My husband went to talk to his dad last night about this and Bob feels that nothing was wrong about it. He said, well i should just stay home..i can't get in trouble this way. My husband then informed him that the lady with the boobs had breast cancer and that is why she has those fake ones. He said, "so, they look good now." He asked if I had something to do with why my husband came to talk with him. I take him to all of his doctor appointments because he likes another pair of ears and I am a nursing student and would like to know what is going on with him since he is my neighbor. He said, I don't need her to make me dinner anymore, take me to the doctor or anything. Im done. I am pretty sure he is pissed at me, but I am sick and tired of this. Why does he do this? SHould I go talk with him and just tell him what I think? I was so grossed out about him loooking and commenting about the little girls. I want to get prego again and if I have a daughter and he even so dares to look at her this way I don't know what I am going to do.
One last thing, bob works for a farmer and the farmer has 2 daughters 13 and 14. the 14 yr old like to ride around in the semi and tractors with people because it is like a baby sitter for the dad when the girls are with him for the week. My fatherinlaw usually drives semi and the girls always drive with him, only one at a time no room for two. I question if he is vulger with them I could only assume since he has a naked calendar sticky think in his trucks and has told me the one girl asked why he has that in there. the last week and a half the week of fish boil these girls have been calling bob and asking if they can come over. I know they like riding the fourwheelers throught the woods and that is the only way they are allowed in our woods, because we don't let anyone in there other than us ride because of the liability of someone getting hurt. Anyways, when they come over they call me for me to come over ( they only have came over 4 times, but it just is not right). I come out with my son, but it just seems weird. He told me infront of one of the girls that he loves when she comes over. "he gets all warm and fuzzy inside and his WHOLE day is just that much better when she comes over." It is like he is doing the same thing he did with me when he first met me. Get me to feel guilty that he is alone and wants company. I like the girl she plays with my son the entire time, but little girls don't understand to close their legs and they do cart wheels in the grass. I don't care, but he is so perverted that he probably likes this...my skin justs crawls. They are at the state fair this week showing ther cows so they won't be coming around this week. I am planning on calling her and telling her not to be calling him anymore and that it just isn't right for her to be coming and visiting him. I would die if he did anything or said something out of line to her. What if he is sitting naked in the woods and they come driving though and OPPS, he didn't put his pants on quick enough.....OMG.
Please help me, I am hurting, scared, afraid and don't feel comfortable living here until things get fixed. I feel for my husband and he says he doesn't want to believe that his dad is a perve/flasher/exhibitionist or what ever his problem is. I have brought this up to bob and he said he gets excited going across the street with no shorts on, but doesn't not at all believe it is a problem.
How do I get him help and where do I start, because I will not let this go again, even though this was just comments and no flashing was involved.
I will not let this happen agian and if he can get close with me, he can do it to anyone and this time it might be a younger girl.
What Do I do about him flashing me even though it was 1.5 months ago?
ps. I told my mother and dad and they feel this is just wrong (my husband doesn't know I told them) I didn't tell him because I get he is embarresed of his dad.
What do I do about the holidays? he always comes with, but my family is honestly sick of his perverted women comments too.
WHy does BOB not feel that this is wrong?
DO we do a family couseling with me, him and his son?
thanks for any advice
sunnnyside
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Re: My father-in-law showed me his penis..AHH!

Postby awakenow » Wed Aug 01, 2012 5:35 pm

He is almost 70 years old and you're behaving like he's putting the moves on you. First, it's HIS property, no? You may not like it but if he wants to sit naked in the woods he can. You are free to leave if you can't handle it. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Second, if he's wearing a long shirt and isn't exposed at all, why are you so concerned that he doesn't have underwear on? He isn't exposed so what's the difference?

Third, at his age, this might be the onset of dementia or some other age related issue. It just started, right? So why aren't you, as a nursing student, considering that his mental abilities and his social 'filter' isn't what it once was? Why is this more of a 'pervert' issue than a health issue, and why is there zero compassion for him? What he did is wrong, but how about finding out why before slaughtering him.

Fourth, the only thing this man has is his family, and you told your family about this so this man won't be welcome at holiday functions any longer. What was the purpose of telling others about this? I'm sure it was very strange and more than uncomfortable, but what positives come from telling people this man knows about his behavior?

Fifth, on the subject of telling, you SHOULD be telling the girls' you wrote about's father so that he can set limits accordingly. You claim you'll feel horrible if something happens. Well, what are you doing to prevent it from happening? If your child were put in a situation and something happened, and you later found out the adults in the area knew it was a very real possibility and said nothing, how upset would you be?


It sounds like your father in law needs real help, and instead he's getting treated like he's a 20 year old housepainter that made a pass at you. Sad, since until now he's treated you like family.
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Re: My father-in-law showed me his penis..AHH!

Postby sunnnyside » Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:00 pm

Really???????? the whole purpose of me being here is because I want to help him. But, I do feel that I am a victim of sexual harrassment. THe man dropped his pants and was pulling at himself and begging me to touch it. Prior to him doing this i told him NO. THAT IS WRONG IN EVERY WAY. I understand it is his land, but if he wants his family to come around then he needs to wear clothing, get help and not be so darn sexual, plain and simple.
I can't force him to go to a doctor, but if someone with some REAL advice would help me with this situation it would be nice. THere is something wrong with him, but he doesn't think there is SOOO how can I make him get help.
Me being a nursing student is why I am writing this too. I understand this isn't normal behavior. But, patients have rights to, the right to refuse treatment, right to refuse meds etc. SO if this is what he is already saying obviously he doesn't want the help. I feel like i am repeating myself. So Mr. Genius as you call yourself instead of just assuming I DON't care. Give me some useful advice I can use to get him to the doctor.

I don't need him getting fired from his job, just because he has made comments about young girls, I just feel that he shouldn't be having them come over to his house. That really isn't normal. I go over there when they come just to make sure. I guess I will just tell her not to come over anymore.

I won't invite him to my side of the family functions because my partents wouldn't appreciate the thought that this man tried to get their daughter to touch his penis. They don't know, but the fact that I am still uncomfortable should be enough for me not to want him at my partents house. I have made him more involved in holidays at my house and my parents side. I have given him soo much of my undivided attention that I feel that he really took advantage of me. My husband and his 2 brothers don't do family stuff. I am the person that brought them all togeather because I love family. But, with this event it changes things. If I see he is trying to get help. then yes I will try, but till then I REFUSE to allow someone to make me feel uncomfortable.

He has been going around naked and making remarks like this for as long as I have Known him, Everyone in the township nows him as the dirty/ronchy guy, but him showing his junk 2 times to me in 1.5 years is a new thing. Oh yeah I forgot to say. Over a year ago my husband his son had to pick him up from the bar and his pants were down and he doesn't wear underwear. People just think this is him, nobody deserve to be uncomfortable. HE NEEDS HELP. He drinks only 3-5 times a year, but nothing good comes out of it. This is about the same time he stopped opening his playboys because he says there is not point. They sit in the wrapper on the kitchen counter for everyone to see a whole 1.5 years worth and always comments that there is no point to open them. I have told the doc and they say it is a side effect of the medication and he could buy expensive testosterone pills that may help. He doesn't want them.
I think he is trying to make up for some inability to preform down there.

He says I am his daughter so then he needs to treat me like one.

Please tell me a way I can convince him to see a doc would be fantastics.
Please no bashing me on this...I didn't do anything wrong.
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Re: My father-in-law showed me his penis..AHH!

Postby awakenow » Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:34 pm

You admit he needs help but you're blaming him. Does that actually make sense to you?

If he refuses to see a doctor then cut him off. He can decide if not seeking help is worth losing his family over. YOU do have some control over yourself, do you not? Do not be around him if he will not seek treatment.

Regarding his job, are the two girls in question worth his job? He tried to get you to touch his private area. You are a grown woman who knows exactly how to say no. Do you think these girls are as capable as you are? Also, without treatment, what else is he capable of? How do you know it would even stop with touching? But at least he'll have his job, right?

Get angry at me if you wish, but you are blaming someone that you believe is mentally ill. If he is ill, he cannot control what he is doing and needs help. Seek a medical power of attorney if you must, but don't blame a mentally ill person for refusing treatment.

There is your advice - force him through actions or legal documents to get treatment or refuse any and all contact with him. Also, tell the father of the girls if he refuses to get treatment.


Please help me, [i]I[/i] am hurting, scared, afraid and don't feel comfortable living here until things get fixed. I feel for my husband and he says he doesn't want to believe that his dad is a perve/flasher/exhibitionist or what ever his problem is.


Yes, your caring is evident. YOU are scared, hurting and fearful, and you can't convince your husband his father is a perve/flasher. Such concern for the old man.

Don't get angry at me for actually reading what you wrote.
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Re: My father-in-law showed me his penis..AHH!

Postby Ada » Thu Aug 02, 2012 5:15 pm

I would tell the mother of the girls what happened to you. If he were doing this to everyone, and everyone thinks they're just "putting up" with a "little" bad behaviour, that would be a terrible situation. It would be up to her to decide whether the girls can visit supervised, or perhaps will just be "too busy" to go over there again. It might be that he's just abusing you because he thinks he can get away with it, since you're "one of the family" and is no risk to anyone else, but you can't know either way.

You could perhaps set out rules for what is and isn't okay and the consequences. eg. If he isn't wearing pants when you arrive, he has 2 minutes to put them on or you will leave. If he flashes you, you will leave and he will not see you or his grandson for X time. Then you all know what the boundaries are, and it's his choice over crossing them or not. In theory, awakenow's comment "If he refuses to see a doctor then cut him off" seems sensible, but in practice you can't know if he's seeing one or lying, or if he's telling the doctor honestly what's happening, or even if any treatment offered is successful. All you can do is keep yourself and others safe, you can't make him accept help. I don't know what else can legally be done, so it might be worth asking your own doctor about, and if the behaviour continues, then you might consider talking to the police, especially if there is a Team local to you who support victims of sexual crimes. They'll know where the law stands, and even if you don't press charges, will be able to give a legal perspective on his actions and how to go about assessing whether he is mentally competent.

Possible reading: "A Thousand Acres" by Jane Smiley. It's horrible but not a million miles away from your story.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


From The Great Dictator — Charlie Chaplin
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Re: My father-in-law showed me his penis..AHH!

Postby HelenaHanbasket » Tue Aug 26, 2014 12:56 am

Plain and simple- You were violated. It's quite insensitive to make you the "bad guy" here. HE HAD NO RIGHT to do any of the things you said he has done in your presence.

Sure, he can do as he pleases on his property WHEN HE IS ALONE. But, when others arrive, or are expected to arrive, he needs to put his pants on and keep the (sexual) thoughts TO HIMSELF.

He made you his victim, and I agree with you- There's no telling who else it could happen to.
Perhaps he does need help, but first of all, he needs set boundaries- and if it were me, I would make it clear ONE TIME and one time only, that if he pulls ANYTHING like that again, with you or ANYONE ELSE, I would be filing a police report. I would also tel him that you have a video recorder on your cell phone and will be prepared to use it as evidence if it ever happens again.
I have a very low tolerance for guys that don't seem to be able to control this sort of thing.
The next thing I would do is schedule him 2 appointments. One, with a medical professional, noting his behavior changes and lack of control, and the other with a psychiatrist that specializes in this sort of thing.

I realize that you're not me- That's just what I would do.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this!

Or, MAYBE next time he asks me to touch it, I just would- and my "touch" would involve immense PAIN, lol. :twisted:
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