I’m astonished with the links you’ve sent.
I think you’ve convinced me: it is all down to porn.
The scientific finding (http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do
) relating levels of dopamine (levels of pleasure) to newness of porn material describes precisely my own experience.
Along with the notion of gaze patterns in your other link ( http://commfaculty.fullerton.edu/rgass/HCOM%20308%20Summer%202009/Gender%20Differences%20for%20Looking%20at%20Body%20Regions%202008.pdf
, this can all be interpreted to reveal my case as a very specific chain of events:
As a typical porn addict, the newness of what I looked at was of utmost importance to me. But I was also very selective and only ever brought myself to orgasm in the view of someone I considered absolutely gorgeous seemingly enjoying sex. A new inquisitive gaze pattern evolved as a form of “mining” the mountains of porn material available online, of which the majority was worthless to me. I always found appalling the "highest rated" or “most watched” rankings of porn sites. I was disappointed as well from typical search results. I was in search of "hidden gems", and had to develop a more inquisitive gaze pattern in order to increase my success in discovering them, ie in getting dopamine highs.
In the absence of gaze-tracking equipment, my assumption is that the distorted gaze pattern that emerged from this behaviour focused on breasts much longer than average. Inadvertently, this distorted gaze pattern permeated my behaviour in the presence of real life women, as a subconscious attempt to achieve even more dopamine highs. Upon reflecting on this, I’ve remembered an incident which may have been a trigger for this displacement of the distorted gaze pattern into “real life”: In conversation with a female friend I suddenly realised she looked like someone that I had admired in porn videos.
What developed as an effective gaze pattern to find “hidden gems” within mountains of worthless porn, has become a pathological and demeaning eye-behaviour in the presence of real women. My gaze control has been taken over by my hypothalamus.
So how to reverse this?
First and foremost, I obviously need to continue abstaining from straight-porn-related dopamine highs. Forever.
Also, I’d really like to increase the amount of actual sex I have. The guy I’m dating may be able to help me with that (!).
I'd be very happy if I knew a way to increase dopamine bursts unrelated to visual stimuli. I feel like my eyes have been over-burdened sexually.
But I also need to recapture the control of my gaze pattern. I’ve been thinking about going to a beach and watching the horizon for a few hours. The stillness and horizontality of it. I also wonder if bringing to consciousness the dopamine mechanism will have an effect in itself?
Perhaps because I still feel my gaze is out of control, I want to allow the healing process to advance as much as possible before meeting again with the friendships that have been so affected by the effects of my porn habit. I want to feel in control of my eyes when I meet with them again.
May I just say, Ada, that communicating with you has been incredibly helpful. Just a few days ago I felt powerless and incapable of dealing with this. Suddenly I can see a light. I don’t know how long it may take. Perhaps it will take long. But I feel I can do it. You’re an angel. Thanks!