SO confused about sexuality, Life--- I'm a Mess!

I AM SO SORRY FOR SO MUCH WRITING- I just have so much to tell

So I'm an 18 year old male and this last year has been hell, I was just diagnosed with OCD, and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I have always been anxious and overly emotional as a kid. This past fall I went to college which brought my anxiety to an entirely new level. I began having intrusive obsessive thoughts fearing that I would somehow do something terrible and lose control. And sometimes these obsessive thoughts were just upsetting stuff in general that would make me feel depressed and break down. The problem is they obsessive thoughts make me question everything. I have always been obsessive by nature, but never have had the repeated breakdowns I have has since October. I lost sleep over the constant ruminating, and everything just felt like a bad dream. I couldn’t even sort out my thoughts anymore, I lost sight of who I was, I felt like I lost all control, it was debilitating. Due to my repeated breakdowns, I was forced to move back home and commute to college. I feel so pathetic and weak that I couldn't make the transition that so many other people can make. Since then things have gotten better, I have sought counseling, and have been put on Zoloft and Klonopin which have helped a great deal. However even though my anxiety has gotten better, I am still left with an empty sad feeling. I feel like there are underlying issues that have not been addressed, that I am too ashamed to talk about with my "christian therapist" As a result I decided to stop seeing him and find someone else.

In addition to my OCD and GAD, for some time I have been debating whether or not I'm gay, bi, or neither. The thing is that I am really turned on to other males from a physical perspective, but the thought of having sex with another male isn't all that appealing. In addition I feel like emotionally loving another male would just feel weird and awkward. I have guy friends, none of which whom i'm attracted to and I just wonder maybe i'm not gay. (in fact one of my friends just came out to me and I was shocked, which raised even more questions about myself). On the other hand women don't turn me on in the least, but the thought of having an emotional loving relationship with a women is really appealing. The thing is, when I fantasize about other guys, i'm more turned on by the thoughts of "being" that person (sort of a fetish). I know that's so weird and I feel ashamed of it and it only confuses me even more. I'm not like a weird person or anything I have many friends and people like me. I just have no idea what I want and who I am. I see all these people around me pursuing relationships and I don't know what I want. In addition if I was gay, i'm not sure i'm ready to accept that. Something about it just doesn't feel right. It's not that I don't think I wouldn't be accepted my my family its just it seems so unnatural and awkward. A lot of my obsessive thoughts revolve around sexuality, not only questioning my own, but thinking of all of the worst possibilities of what I could be even though I know its irrational. Since I hit puberty, I have always felt an enormous amount of guilt masturbating. I remember when I was 12 masturbating, then balling my eyes out for hours feeling guilt and despair. But the thing is, I have never been raised being taught it is wrong and I don't feel its wrong. I had "the talk" with my mom when I was little, I have never been raped or sexually abused, so I don't know why I feel this way. When I was at school one girl really tried to make an advance at me, but at the last second I freaked out feeling sadness and despair. In a desperate attempt to figure out my sexuality I have looked at porn a few times (I know pretty late for someone my age) The videos with intercourse with guys and girls or guys and guys don't really interest me. The only ones I was aroused by were the male masturbation videos. But since I looked at porn for the first time, once again I am feeling extreme guilt and am on the verge of another breakdown. I am so afraid i'll be one of those people who will get addicted to it.. Its not like I live in a family that scolds anyone for that stuff, I caught my dad looking at it a few times. I just don't know why I feel this overwhelming guilt and sadness when it comes to things of a sexual nature. Its something I hope I can discuss with a therapist.

I am at a point in my life where I feel so lost, questioning everything, why i'm here, is there or isn't there a god? and I obsess about this stuff. Not being able to find a sexual identity is confusing me even more. At times I still feel like a 10 year old in an 18 year olds body. Sometimes I just cry myself to sleep thinking back to when I was younger and hoping to go back, please help me out, I need help so badly.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so sad and confused. Don’t feel pathetic and weak about moving home. It sounds like it was the right decision. You say things got better after that, and after you sought counseling and got on some meds that seem to do the trick. Maybe at some point you can move back to college. Look at it this way, at least you managed to stay in school, even if you are commuting for now.

As far as sexuality and love goes, maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet? You don’t sound like you are gay. You say it doesn’t feel right, even if you do have some fantasies about guys. Have you tried dating girls? That’s the easier, more socially acceptable route to take plus you like the idea of an emotional relationship with a woman. Even if you are confused, a date or two won’t hurt anybody. Now that you are on meds maybe you won’t “freak out”, like before with that girl. Or don’t date at all, if you don’t want to. You don’t have to pursue a relationship because all the people around you are.

I’d definitely agree that you need to find a less christian-minded therapist. You need to feel comfortable with your therapist if that is going to work. Perhaps the guilt surrounding your sexual thoughts and masturbation can be attributed to religious attitudes in your community or family? I think lots of folks have guilt about sexuality so you are not alone.

I'm not sure what else to say other that take care and I hope you can figure it out and be at peace. - Jan

Thanks so much for your input! I have already taken the first step to meet with a therapist who specializes in this condition and sexuality related issues. Hopefully it's someone who can help me figure myself out. I have not dated anyone yet, maybe because of fear of rejection. I have never really been brought up in an environment of strong Christianity, so I don't no why I feel the guilt I do. Hopefully the new therapist will be able to sort things out. Once again thanks so much for your reply.

Hiya. Just a few quick things, the first two insultingly obvious:

1. You're still only 18. Patience, young man! Do you think you're the first guy who was ever confused and weirded out by sex in history? Who ever worried about being maybe gay or bi, or if so, what kind? About being a virgin? About feeling guilt about masturbating, all the way back to age 12? I'm not bullying or teasing, I'm just sayin' ... You're NORMAL! Sex is COMPLICATED! Relax! And ... back to the beginning ... you're still only 18!! Do you *really* think very many 18-year-old guys have sex all figured out? Wrong! Most of 'em are just fakin' it till they make it -- I guarantee it. If jacking off is what gets ya through the night, then keep doin' that. (Hey, I did! Now I'm married and sometimes I still do!)

2. We all know there's no such thing as normal. You sure aren't. Neither am I. LOSE THE OBSESSION over whether you're "supposed" to be gay/bi or when you're "supposed" to get laid or how you're "supposed" to feel. Easier said than done, I know, but trust me: You'll save yourself gallons of stomach acid. As for me, I dearly wish Wikipedia's entry on libido had existed decades ago. (Read it NOW.) I'm in my 50s now, and I angsted for years about not feeling horny "enough" according to how my friends seemed to. Well, guess what? Everyone has different levels, as it turns out! And it seems to change all the time! And, whaddya know, it's apparently like personality, of all things! It's like obsessing over how long your penis is when you're 15. Just stop it! You have a penis, and you feel sexual! You're gonna be fine!

3. Finally, major props to you for getting a therapist this early. I didn't get there until I was 25, and it was the best thing I ever did for my sexual issues. Furthermore, if you don't like how this therapist works for you, fire him or her, and get another one. Rinse, lather, and repeat, until you get a good one. Becoming happy with who you are sexually is an important part of being a healthy adult human, and you seem to sense that. It is to your great credit that you are reaching out in this respect.

Overall: DON'T WORRY. You are young, you have MUCH to learn yet, and please know that life and love -- though often challenging -- are long and winding roads of rewarding joy and happiness.

Finally ... you are a much, much better person than you think you are. Never forget that! Keep us posted on how you're doing. (I have a feeling you're gonna keep getting better and better.)

Peace ...

Hi, sorry I know this was a long time ago, but I just wanted to thank you for your reply. I like my new therapist and I am really comfortable talking to her about my issue. Thanks so much for your awesome reply!