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Transgender Porn

Postby Mandat03 » Sat Jul 21, 2012 1:45 am

Hello,
I am nervous about actually talking about this on a blog.. but here it goes. This past January I discovered my boyfriends porn addiction. He is 26 now but started to watch porn when he was 11. He constantly needed a bigger "rush" and the past year or two he has enjoyed transgender porn. He received a nook for christmas this past winter and the same time i discovered this addiction was the same time i found a couple sexual novels on his nook. Two were gay novels. This was the hardest thing I went through in my life.. and my discovery of these things was the hardest thing he went through also.

We sought therapy, separately and together. We talked ALOT about this. He was very confused at first why he read and watched what he did, but then through talking to people and reading blogs and everything else he told me he realized he had absolute no sexual attraction to men and it was just the rush of reading/watching this inappropriate stuff that drove him. I definitely know he loves woman and our sex life has never had any issues. Well together we decided to put a porn blocker on the computer. He told me as weeks went by how great he felt and how he realizes porn itemized women. When the porn was gone he started to go on facebook more and search out those sexual looking females with larges breasts and slutty looking. This really upset me and we talked about this and he felt terrible and told me he would stop.. and it was just the porn addiction coming out in a adifferent way. Well it has been several months and there has been no porn and not really any sexual image searching.... but today I found in his search history a few days ago he "relapsed" and spent a good 30 min one night trying to bypass the porn blocker and view this certain woman and her porn video.

I am extremely upset right now because I thought this day might come but I wasn't expecting it for a while. I know he loves me so much and he has realized how much porn has negatively affected his life and how much it has hurt me. I would like to ask for your advice/help.... What do you feel about the transgender porn?? What should I do about this relapse?? Will his view of woman ever go back to what it was??(he always seemed to like natural looking woman, which is me.. im very small chested also.. but porn seemed to make him seek big fake breasts). Where can we seek help?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is very tough right now
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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby Fumia » Sat Jul 21, 2012 7:22 am

I think most men and many women like to watch porn. For many years now there has also been produced some porn which does not itemize women for instance some alt or feminist porn stuff. And watching trans or gay porn doesn't say anything about gender identity or sexual preferences in real life about the watcher, it's just fantasy. It doesn't matter if it's queer or trans porn, since all porn is kind of inappropriate as it doesn't represent any realistic sex life. In fact, stories as well as the acting are mostly quite ridiculous. Also I wouldn't talk about an addiction as long as it doesn't keep one from work, real friendships and relationships as well as other duties. You shouldn't take that too serious. Maybe you should try to watch some together and then you can talk about it how disgusting, hilarious or whatever you find it and hopefully have a good laugh. Also you will probably realize that what you and your boyfriend have together is something entirely different: there is real love, attraction and commitment between you and you got something highly precious. Trying to ban all the porn imagery will only make things worse and tends to give it a seriousness it does not deserve, whereas trying to deal with it in a less anxious and more relaxed way is rather due to make it lose the attraction and maybe even let this stuff appear as boring and laughable as it actually is.
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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby Mandat03 » Sat Jul 21, 2012 3:00 pm

Thankyou for your response. I really appreciate it.

To tell you a little more.. porn did affect his schoolwork(he failed out) and also his work. He would spend hours distracted by porn and would never get any work done. He admitted this to me after this all came out. For the first month or two after he decided he needed to put up a porn blocker and go "cold turkey". He would have almost like cravings for it and a few days after the initial bomb went off he gave in and watched porn, afterwards feeling terrible about himself because he didn't have the control. I really don't like the word "addiction" at all either... but from what I saw my boyfriend go through it was something he did not like and had a hard time moving on from it. Once I was over at his house and I told him I was going to see if the blocker even worked so I typed in some pron website... he turned his head and wouldn't look at the screen in fear of the images bringing about another "relapse". It affected our relationship in the way that he was very touchy and snippy after watching porn. He realized it kept him from being productive during the day, and even if I asked him what he did that day he would be very snippy. This is something he also told me was from the porn use.. but at the time I was very very confused by his snippiness and there were many days I left him upset because I didn't understand his defensive behavior. PS- I do not question his faithfullness to me

Lastly, it was him and him alone who told me he never wanted to watch it again, or atleast for years when he regained his sensitivity to it back.
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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby Ada » Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:46 pm

I just came across this article about straight men seeking out transgender porn, I don't know if it fits your boyfriend's previous situation. In short, though, it's as you said originally, he constantly needed a bigger "rush" and this provided it.

How come you were looking at his search history? If it was for a neutral reason, you share a computer and were checking something in your own history, then I would suggest talking to him about what you found. If you were checking up on him, that's different. He didn't get round the blocker, from how I interpret your post anyway, and this was a one-off event. It might cause as much damage to your relationship to find out that you don't trust him as that he's done something untrustworthy.

There are lots of other helpful articles on the site linked above, including one on whether brain changes are permanent so it might be a useful resource in terms of deciding what to do next. If this was a one-off event, especially if there was some kind of trigger that he can learn from, then I don't think you need to do anything above what he's already doing to keep under control.
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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby Mandat03 » Tue Jul 24, 2012 9:08 pm

The porn blocker that is on his computer also records the history. He knows this and knew it when we put it on his computer. I occasionally check it when he seems distant, moody, etc. Honestly, my trust for him has gone. Finding out he was doing all this this behind my back, skipping classes to watch porn, being snippy with me when I didnt understand he didnt get anything done with work that day, etc. I felt like so much was hidden from me for years it was like i was deceived. It also was scary to see him trying to stop when he really wanted too and it was really hard for him. This episode was the only time since feb ive seen him try to find porn. But we went through counseling and he told me he really hated what it did to him and he didnt want to go near that stuff for years if ever again(and i could tell he was really truthful with that statement).
I don't know how to regain his trust. Honestly I'm worried about him getting sucked back into it and it having a bigger affect on us when we are married or have kids. Honestly is it reasonable for me to be really upset with this one "relapse"??. I told him I was really hurt and he has been so none understanding which has really surprised me because usually he is.
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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby jeo110010 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 5:52 am

my opinion kinda goes along with Fumia.

I dont know others experince with this topic. but me personally... i bairly remember the days befor porn in my life, and the "addiction" you describe of your BF kinda reminds me certain times of myself in my teen years. I'll admit i even clicked on gay porn links on occation out of the curiosity factor but being totally strait was only disgusted LoL. transgender aswell. I realize u said ur BF is 26 but that like a lot of things is only circomstantial to me at this point. example - perhaps he had a really conservative upbringing and was never exposed to it in his teens, i wouldnt know.

The only hint i have is in your first statment were u said ("This was the hardest thing I went through in my life.. and my discovery of these things was the hardest thing he went through also"), that is a really conservative statement.

If he's going threw some discovery phase or maybe just sexual imbalance in his life. I understand the feeling when u describe not consentrating on priorities and the porn etc, however how should i put it.. after icing the cake, my priorities would go back to normal and not have a second thought about porn or any of that kinda crap, and beable to consentrate so hard only chucknoris could break it.

perhaps you dont need to stop him from accessing porn, merely destract the part of him that thinks about porn by getting his attention on you instead. [EDIT: just to clearify a tad so perhaps its not taken the wrong way, I'm not implying the need to learn what is in the porn he see's, that is probably totally unneccessary, tho open comunication with ur partner pertaining to sex is invaluable.. part of the reason its not neccessary to know what he's looking at is because porn itself is not the act, with a lot of sensations non existant between the porn video and the watcher, those sensations probably try and compensate a bit by for example - seeking the images of larg breasted slutty lookn girls. But that doesnt neccessarly mean thats what he wants. cause its proabbly Not]
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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby TheYellowMonkey » Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:38 pm

I know it seems counter-intuitive, but in my experience, focusing on the specifics of the addictive behavior is really not productive in treating the addiction. By that I mean that it doesn't matter too much what type of pornography he has used, or even that his addiction is pornography. The physical and chemical brain changes in addicts are very similar whether the addiction is alcohol, gambling, exercise, pornography, food, whatever. It doesn't mean porn itself is evil or morally wrong (although I do think it's often damaging for people who are in sexual relationships). It only means some of us can't use it in a healthy, moderate way.

In your boyfriend's case, several key addictive components are present: 1) His need to intensify or escalate the behavior to get the same "rush", 2) His return to the behavior in spite of his desire to stop, and 3) Negative consequences for personal relationships and other parts of his life. Those are really important for determining whether something is an addiction. Healthy activities enhance your life and relationships, they don't damage it.

Using myself as an example, I'm confident I'm not an alcoholic. I know this because I can have one beer after work and then have no more. I can go a week without drinking, no problem. My drinking of beer has not negatively affected my life. But that's not the case with pornography. Once I start looking at pornography, I can't stop on my own. I used it in spite of the horrible effects on my relationships, and risking jobs. That's why I'm seeing a therapist and working a 12-Step program.

Your boyfriend's addiction is not about you, or your body, or your behavior, or anything you're doing or not doing. The addiction is about him. If he wants to change he'll need to take those steps on his own, for himself. The only action you need to take is to decide whether you want to stick with him while he battles this disease.

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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby Mandat03 » Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:37 pm

Thank-you for your replies.

YellowMonkey------ It did affect his work, his school, our relationship. It was difficult for him to stop even when he didn't like what he was doing. Honestly it changed my view of porn. I use to watch it too and now I despise it because of its affect on my relationship and life, and also what he did to him. At his "lows" he told me he wanted it out of his life forever. As time passes he forgets this, and plays it off that its not a big deal to watch it again. This really hurts, because I have not forgotten what happened. My boyfriend is known for "putting away uncomfortable memories". What can I do to make him realize his denial? Why doesn't he see all the damage it has done, and want to remove it from his life?
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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby TheYellowMonkey » Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:43 pm

What can I do to make him realize his denial?

All you can do is focus on choosing what is best for you. Only you can decide whether you can tolerate him and his behavior. You can hope he will change, but you can't control it and you should not expect it.

Why doesn't he see all the damage it has done, and want to remove it from his life?

Because he's still an active addict and the addiction is in control.

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Re: Transgender Porn

Postby helphelphelp » Sat Jul 28, 2012 1:40 am

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