my name says it all.

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Hi there, it would be extremely insightful if you could answer a few questions about your husband.

- Does your husband feel guilty or remorseful when you confront him about his issues?

- What his reaction when you threaten to leave him; anger, desperation, empty words?

It is good to see that he is admitting his problem and seeing a councillor, sounds like he has some deep seeded issues that need resolving. You have to be strong, understand that people who suffer from mental disorders are often not in control of their impulses and urges. The fascination with the abomination is a core human trait, to some degree. Be strong and don't let this disorder beat you down, instead let it empower you to help and restore your husbands issues before it moves from online to reality.

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myhearthurts wrote:He wants to change but i guess my problem is having a hard time trusting, forgetting.

I don't recommend forgetting. This happened, and trying to put it out of your mind seems to me an impossibly hard task and unfair to ask yourself to do it. The trust may come back over time, as your husband repeatedly shows he can be trusted, and that he is changing. But this is only your problem because you're married to him: you didn't cause the problem, and it's not your responsibility to fix it.

As for not being good enough, that's just not true. He's an addict, and that addiction was in control, it's not to do with you. But I hope that if the two of you can work through this, your marriage will be all the stronger for having been tested. Might it be useful for you to get counselling too? Not the same person he's seeing, but someone who can support you through this.

Really I don't see what the big problem is. Isn't speaking of an addiction quite an exaggeration? I'd rather see your husbands activity as some kind of fetish and as long he's not going to flash at a playground it's not criminal. To allow him on a password protected computer only when you're "home and awake" rather makes you look like a control freak and frankly you seem quite paranoid to me.

Fumia wrote:Really I don't see what the big problem is. Isn't speaking of an addiction quite an exaggeration? I'd rather see your husbands activity as some kind of fetish and as long he's not going to flash at a playground it's not criminal. To allow him on a password protected computer only when you're "home and awake" rather makes you look like a control freak and frankly you seem quite paranoid to me.

im sorry you feel that way... until you have been on this end of things you dont know how i feel or what is working in our relationship.. I could have walked away a long time ago.. but i didnt.. i am trying to save a marriage and to let my kids have a dad. Be like thumper... in other words if you dont have something nice to say dont say anything.. Its people like YOU that make others not want to seek others to talk to.. so please excuse your self from my post and leave me alone.

I kinda agree with Fumia...

What you don't realize is that - "you also have a problem" and apparently - "he loves you more than you love him" and he's willing to make any sacrifice to keep you at his side wile "you abuse his love for you - to control him"... and maybe you feel better that things "go your way now" - but it could hurt your relationship latter.

I have set limits, ( computer is password protected and the only time hes allowed on it is if i am home and awake) we try to do other things to keep his mind off it. He wants to change but i guess my problem is having a hard time trusting, forgetting.

You treat him like a child and eventually "he will act like a one"... since that was the worst way to handle "a man/an adult" - maybe you weren't raised like this - but what he does it's "not abnormal" - or something that can hurt your relationship (unless he was doing this on a daily basis wile "ignoring your sexual needs") and there are ways to improve in but treating him like a child - is definitely not the way...

- just remember what you did when you parents treated you like that - limiting you access to something you liked - cause they found it inappropriate (like smoking for example)... if you couldn't do that at home - you did it in other places... but "because you were feeling more frustrated" - you probably smoked a lot more than you'd do at home...

- things won't go in a similar way with your husband cause he's an adult and it seems that he loves you a lot and he's willing to go your way no matter what - bit with time passing this things will gather and it will "affect him" - so if you keep on like this... don't be surprised if few years from now - you'll catch him "cheating on you with another woman" something might not even cross his mind if things weren't like this...

My advice - "acknowledge that you also have a problem" and you could also try counseling - either individually or relationship counseling - cause if your attitude forces him towards cheating on you... i doubt you could forget him so easily - your husband loves you very much and from on a objective point of view - he didn't do something that could endanger your relationship... wile you're wronging him with your attitude.

Didn't mean to sound harsh - but that's the way i see it... and i can assure you that - this is not a subjective opinion...

PS.This is strictly related to "what you made available so far" cause if - he did you wrong in many other ways and this is just "another of the dozens of ways you feel that he's hurting you" - then you picked the wrong "problem" cause this doesn't look that bad... and places you on the wrong side more than him.

I didn't read "setting limits" like either of you, Fumia and GemInI. Passwording the computer is a reasonable measure that has to be agreed between two adults, otherwise he could just get access on a phone or other computer. I don't see it as treating him as a child but as helping his willpower, with his full knowledge and agreement.

If he didn't want to change he wouldn't be in counselling and he'd probably just be lying his way through the relationship. And calling it an addiction is the choice of the Original Poster and her husband.

Fumia, please be respectful in your responses, and try to see the other person's point of view.

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