Shame on me...

So today I really tried to control my urges. I woke up this morning with once again sex on my mind as usual.... I went to spend time with my kids at the pool then came home.. I was pacing around the house thinking of going to the other side of town to see the new guy I meet at the bus stop.... I had dreams about him the previous night. About really hardcore anal sex and I couldnt get the images out of my head and its all I thought about ... I usualy dont do this but I asked my neighbors to watch my kids while I caught the bus to his house. I saw him outside and he was with his cousin .. would you believe I had a threesome with both of them I had 3 orgasms and I felt like a crack addict when they get that pipe... that rush. I left to go home and told him Id see him tomorrow.... Its is sickening... the whole ride home on the bus I just stared out the window. Like what the ###$ is wrong with me I really just went across town to have sex with this guy Ive known for approx a week with no condom and his cousin was involved. Now Tuesday Im supposed to meet up with someone else in NY. I have no clue what is wrong with me. Why cant I stop doing this to myself. Tomorrow is Monday and all I can think of is dropping my kids off so that I can go out and have sex. 9 times out of ten I will meet someone new. I hope that this dr that i emailed about a program that I inquired about because I dont wanna live my life like this anymore. I am going to catch something and then it will be over. I have been pregnant over 6 times and had two children the rest abortions. one was by my ex boyfriends friend. I have since tied my tubes but i feel like I will unfourtunatly catch AIDS or a terrible disease or be raped or something terrible.. im putting my life at risk all the time have no friends or noone and still cannot stop myself from being impulsive and compulsive. The shame is killing me. Because I know it will be the same thing tomorrow. I try to stay away from those places but I find someone new everywhere I usually go. Just walking down the street on a bus a store resturaunt etc... I feel so hopeless... My fantasies and dreams haunt me until I act them out. My lack of self respect for myself hurts me so deep. I try to love myself but I feel like unless a man is sleeping with me Im not pretty or loved or anything. my life was one big trauma and sex is the only time i feel whole unless im with my kids.... i lost so much in my life i feel like men and sex is all i have . Some turn to drugs n alcohol . I turn to sex. As sad as it seems. I want to get better I want to try to stop but I feel like I always give in ... like im in a mental jail .... the high comes the sex is good then after the downward spiral comes. once thats over Im back out searching the streets for my next fix. I know when i go certain places i get certain looks because people know im coming there to see a certain someone. i sometimes go different places where noone knows me.... to meet new encounters... I do dress a little racy at times to get a little extra attention..... of course it always works but i feel like so ashamed like this is what my life has come tooo... seeking out unprotected sex on a hourly basis. shame on me. this addiction is consuming every aspect of my life. mentally physically financially emotionally. Thank you for this forum and allowing me to share I hope I can get into this program I inquired about because I need a real life. Not this that im living.when i drop my kids off at school first thought is i have only 7 hrs to do my thing for the day until i have to get them maybe 2 people in this day... shaking my head .... please pray for me. i want to change my destructive ways before its too late

I really feel for you. I was reading this week that having unprotected sex can be a form of self harm, similar to cutting or throwing up. I tend to search out unprotected and casual encounters as well. A few of them, I didn't even know the guy's name, nor did he know mine. It's a shame that people are looking down on you. I bet you're a great mom trying to keep it together for your kids. Once you figure out the why of the addiction, I think the how gets better. As in how to get and stay better. Please keep us updated!

Thats why its an addiction. Some things can't be controlled by yourself and the first step is acknowledging you have a problem. Nobody esle can make you get help you have to do that on your own. We all have similar stories, some would be considered more taboo then others but the same basic principle of self harm and uncontrollable urges. Mine is using chatrooms/webcams even when I'm not turned on, won't even be in a sexual mood but somehow find myslef on them almost in a trance like state. My advice, seek help you can't do it on your own.

Tash,

I certainly won’t judge your sexual addiction. All of us cope with life as best as we can...and sometimes in an unhealthy way. I can only hope that you will find the strength and determination to get better.

But, I would like to ask you to please use condoms and to avoid visibly dangerous sexual scenarios/ encounters no matter how exciting they may appear. As I said, I am not judging you at all. I, too, in the past sometimes had unprotected sex and with guys I barely knew. But, I think you made a very good observation that you are trying to punish yourself by having random unprotected sex. Yes, there are many ways in which we can self harm. Please do not do that. You have mentioned the possibility of being violently raped or catching HIV. Although with new treatment HIV nowadays is much easier than it used to be a decade ago, it is still a serious disease. As a woman you are more vulnerable to get infected than if you were a male. Being HIV+ or raped on top of having mental health problems is very difficult and one needs a great deal of inner strenght to process all that. If and when it happens before a person can even think about it, than it was fate/destiny/meant to be..however you want to call it. In the end, maybe it always is, but if you are already very aware of the risks please use that knowledge to your advantage and do not punish yourself. You are a worthy person!