TheYellowMonkey wrote:Have you tried setting limits on sexual activity from the outset of a relationship? Maybe you could have an early conversation in which you commit to abstaining for a defined number of months. Ask for his support in doing this. If you're comfortable doing so, you can explain the reasons as you have in your post. If you're meeting men who are only interested in casual sex, that should scare them away.
My hunch is that once you stop sending unconscious "casual sex" signals, you'll also stop unconsciously picking up similar signals from potential partners, and you'll begin to find yourself attracted to men who are also seeking a serious relationship.
As adults our sexual activity should be a personal, conscious choice. If you find yourself being compulsively sexual, as if it's out of your control, then your next step should be to find a good therapist.
Human appetite for both food and sex is heavily influenced by the number of dopamine (D2) receptors in the striatum of the reward circuitry. When receptors drop after too much of a good thing, the brain doesn't respond as much, and we feel less reward from pleasure for a time. (See before-and-after scans of dopamine receptors, above.) That drives us to search even harder for feelings of satisfaction—for example, by seeking out more stimulating food or more extreme sexual stimuli, thus further numbing the brain. The repercussions of this decreasing sensitivity go well beyond calories and climaxes, and show up as all kinds of unwanted symptoms.
The natural downward spiral of brain sensitivity in response to excess explains why appetite pathologies typically take a chronic course and are resistant to treatment. But the new research also indirectly hints at the way to reverse the unhelpful brain changes: stop the behavior that's causing them as soon as possible, without waiting until it crosses the line into obesity or hypersexuality.
If ongoing excess alters the brain, making control increasingly difficult, then foregoing the problematic behavior gradually restores the sensitivity of the brain, or at least substantially improves it. I often observe this turnaround in heavy porn users who give their brains a rest by avoiding porn and cutting way back on masturbation for a month or two.
The withdrawal misery can be grim while their brains are desperate for stimulation, but it's evident from their self-reports that their brains soon become more sensitive. They notice improvements in many areas: sexual responsiveness, optimism, eagerness to approach prospective mates, reduced anxiety, and so forth. They are amazed at how far-reaching are the changes that stem from restoring the natural sensitivity of their brains.
also here's something that might help
"The experiment is very simple: avoid orgasm for at least three weeks as you observe yourself. When you feel sexual frustration building, close your eyes, tighten the muscles in your genitals and imagine the sexual feelings, or tension, rising up your spine like a thermometer to the top of your head. Feel tingles? Whether or not you do, imagine a waterfall of energy flowing down the front of yourself, and allow it to pool just below your navel. Do this as often as necessary to relieve your sexual tension. Finally, turn your attention to something productive."
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