At 10 or 11 years old When I first learnt I could masturbate, I liked the sensation, and have kept at it my entire life.
In my teens , regardless of whether I had girls friends or not, when I was alone at night I would always masturbate.
Every morning I would take a shower I would masturbate. If I had some porn I would masturbate to that. other times I would make up sexual scenarios in my mind, and masturbate to those. I would think or bi sexuality, incest between sons and mothers or sisters, not my own of course becasue that wouldn't be fantasy, even beastiality and pedophilia.
I would frequent public tiolets and watch gays having sex. And then I let them give me blow jobs and hand jobs. I didn't like them kissing me so I suppose I'm not gay. I just liked the illicit part of the sexual contact.
I became a peeping tom, it was exciting, but got caught.
My girlfriend at the time forgave and supported me, why I don't know, and I eventually I married her.
Even being married didn't stop my masturbation, and I continued it in the mroning shower. After being married for a few years I started to visit hookers, and video parlours.
I would bring home sex toys for my wife. She would use them, but I don't know whether she did it for me , or becasue she liked them. She would never talk about it.
She would never talk about what she liked and what she didn't llike . It was always a guessing game, and I became afraid to try new things because I thought she may wonder where I learn't that , and she may discover my other activities.
My wife goes to bed. After I give her a while to fall asleep, I head for the computer / internet and find anything I can masturbate to. Always 2 or 3 hours at night. When she goes to work in the morning, I repeat the activuty.
Its not that I prefer the masturbation. If I had lots of money I would probably be out looking for hookers as well.
I started my own business and one of the first pieces of equipment I got was a tele video, so I could stay at work late and watch video s and masturbate some more.
If I went away on business I would spend more time on planning sexual adventures and or arranging adult videos than I would on business.
In the end my business suffered and closed because I just could not stop spending the day thinking and planning on how I would spend the evening either with a hooker or alone in the office masturbating with adult videos.
Now I'm out of busness, my relationship with my wife is strained.
She's not interested in having sex with me. When we do have sex she lies on her side looking away from me. I know she has an orgasm but I also know its not me she's having the orgasm with. At least whe doesn't fake orgasms. But its just as hurtful knowing its not me she having sex with.
For along time nows she questions me in the morning about what I'm doing on the computer. She doesn't push the issue, but I think as with most women she's intuitive enough to know what I'm doing.
The masturbation, and visits with hookers, is always good while its happening , but always leaves me feeling guilty, empty, depressed, even self loathing, after the event.
I know its wrong. I know the effect it has on my ability to manage my life, and my relationships.
This morning I masturbated for 2 hours. Sometimes I don't care that I'll be late for my IT course. I just keep looking for new material to masturbate over, material that will kindle the sexual feeling i'm alwasy looking for.
Even if I have to be somewhere important, I'll postpone it in favour on continuing a session of masturbation. then when its over, I feel guilty, empty and deporessed again, and loose motivation to do the things I'm supposed to do.
I'm now 52 years old. I want to stop this destructive behavior. Only trouble is I like it while I am doing it, and the urge to do it is stronger than the urge to do something else.
How can I stop.