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Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

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Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

Postby JenniferSolo » Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:47 am

Recently I discovered a text from a girl on my boyfriend's (of 1 1/2 year) cell phone. The text was sexual and very explicit. I immediately confronted him about it and left the house. The following day he confessed that he has had online sex and porn addiction since he was about 15 years old. He said it has never gone beyond sexting while in relationship. While not in relationship, yes, he would meet up with girls. I was sick to my stomach and felt very betrayed. I have not been back since the incident happened. He immediately sought therapist help to deal with his sex addiction. I am also seeking help from therapist to deal with my own emotions and also how to move forward. Over the last 5 days I've encouraged him to be open and honest about all his thoughts with me. He has more than opened up to me in this short time and we have cried together numerous times; feeling of sadness, happy, and relief.

We were headed on a good path until he told me that his best friend is gay. It wasn't until 3 years into their friendship that his friend came out him in confidence 7 years ago. In the past I have questioned his sexually at times because of events. One, he thought my friends boyfriend could be gay (he has some sort of gay radar). Two, many of his co-worker are either gay or recently came out after being married for 15 years. Three, he has admitted that while at work conference his gay co-workers would invite him to go to a gay club. He admitted he has gone twice to a gay club with gay and straight men. I personally don't know any straight men friends that would go to gay clubs. Four, he has gone on vacations with his best friend who is gay. Five, the therapist he is seeing now is gay in his late 50s who was married and recently came out. Six, we had a discussions about gay and bi sexuality relationship and my opinion was you are either gay or straight. Someone who is bisexual is just confused. He was very upset about my position and said that I'm completely one sided. This seemed to hit his button. He believes there are people who are bisexual. Seven, almost all the forums I read about sex addict is that men likes to explore all sexuality/types/etc...a way to get off. And, eight, he jokingly said we should watch the gay parade but from a far distance.

Prior to the incident, I never really thought otherwise about his sexuality and if I did for a second I brushed it off. The text I found was from a girl. Our sex life is very healthy. I've even caught him checking out girls when we go out and will admit I was jealous. He loves sports. I've always known him to be in relationship with women.

I have confronted him about bisexuality and he said guys never do it for him. We have both shed tears, sadness, and sense of loss over this. We both love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. But, my gut is telling me he could be bisexual. I am scared to death.

Am I neurotic? Is this coincidence? Or, is there truth?

Please, someone, help open my eyes.
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Re: Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

Postby Hallusinating » Tue Jul 12, 2011 3:21 pm

JenniferSolo wrote:we had a discussions about gay and bi sexuality relationship and my opinion was you are either gay or straight. Someone who is bisexual is just confused. He was very upset about my position and said that I'm completely one sided.


I had a boyfriend like this once many years ago.
About the argument you are both right in your own ways.
For me it sounds as if he is having a guy affair, but these things can be difficult to prove.
I think my ex had several reasons for not "coming out of the closet".
He didn`t know what to "come out" as..you say that he is confused i say that he is enjoying both lanes.
For him that feels natural.
But again its a slim evidence to say that he is gay based on your assumptions, i "support/understand" gay people but i am straight.
You must remember that for gay people coming out there can be a lot of fear for pre justice and judgement.

A man who is straight should not give you all of these insecurities.
I don`t think that he is lying to you when he says that he loves you, you have to consider whether it is a point to your suspicion or not.

Even if its difficult you have to make a stand of point here!
Here are some suggestions what you can do, you decide whether you want to take them or not.

I strongly hope that you can keep the friendship you have with him-he sounds like he is a nice guy.
It doesn`t always feel right that you should hang on to his insecurities, but sometimes we need others.
Its your choice if you would like to stay with him or not. People who give us attention makes us feel very special about our selves.
To me it sounds as if you are looking for mr right.
My ex would lie to me when i asked if he was gay or not.
In the end we started to argue.
My ex wasn`t really honest with me, and when that happens communication becomes impossible.
For me its important to have good communication in a relationship.
Ask yourself some question, i mean he seems like he accepts everybody, would you be interested if he suddenly brought a male friend to your door and asked if you would like a threesome?
Some people have a broader sexual interest then others, perhaps you are not compatible?
Sure everybody can be adventurous in their own ways.
Maybe you should let prince charming back into the forest again? If he isn`t your type.
Again i am assuming because you are assuming..."no fire without smoke".
If he was straight then why be giving out signals of otherwise?
You must make your own choices here, i think he should be honest with you and i feel after reading your thread that he isn`t, but again this could be because i am thinking about my ex.
He should be honest with you! Unfortunately not everybody are he might be afraid that you are going to leave him if he is honest(again some theories..).
Its a bit difficult to make a conclusion when i haven`t seen him(and even then it can be hard to tell).

I think what`s most important in a relationship is how you feel
Is it just the sex that is good?
Is it his sensitive nature?
What about your feelings?


Take care
Halu :shock:
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Re: Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

Postby AlexJ » Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:17 pm

hey ill tell you one thing; a lot of people that are addicted to porn and started it at a young age generally start by being straight but as they get more into it, they raise up the level to very explicit material until they end up being gay. That might be the case for your bf.

Im not trying to be judgmental about it but if you're bf's therapist is also gay, I think you're better off looking elsewhere. Ill tell you this right now; not all therapist are the same. Some are much better than others and I have seen quite a lot of crap around.

They're like gym instructors. tons of them will they you what to do but doenst mean they know what they are talking about. They they know what they're doing, just look at them personally. If they are unfit, you should evade them.

Just like therapists. If they seem to have tons of problems in their sexuality, what makes you think they can help you if they cant even help themselves?

Just saying.
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Re: Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

Postby Hallusinating » Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:15 pm

I think you have a good point about what you say in what i quote if you change it into regarding her boyfriend instead of the therapist. The therapist isn`t really the issue here, i think you have misunderstood it, she only mentioned him because of the coincident that he is gay.


AlexJ wrote:what makes you think they can help you if they cant even help themselves?


JenniferSolo wrote:Am I neurotic?


Why would you think that? You don`t seem neurotic to me.
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Re: Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

Postby dummyjess » Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:55 pm

Cannot say if your BF is bi/gay, but some of the things you mentioned about him that make you doubt him do not seem to be that bad.
I know of a bunch of straight guys who have been to gay bars, some go because everyone around them is going and they do not want to be left out or do not want to be thought of as homophobic. These types are normally pretty miserable at the bar.
Some straight men are secure in their sexuality and they know what they want, they like girls, so it does not bother them what others think.
Regarding his arguing with you about the bi's, is he passionate about other issues too? I know of people who will argue about anything even if they have no direct interest in the topic.
He could have a good gaydar since he has a bunch of gay friends and he understands them.
Again I cannot say if he gay or not, I am just trying to show the other possibilities. The fact that he is ready to go to a therapist since you told him to, seems he likes you a lot. Something worth thinking.
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Re: Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

Postby ghost5of7 » Mon Aug 22, 2011 8:08 pm

Another point to consider on the questioned preference is that in reality most people's sexuality is far more complex than a rigid "you're either gay or straight" classification. It's just that the general subject of sex and sexuality is so loaded with cultural stigma, and personal issues that few people are able to be objective and honest. The elements that go into one's sexual being includes

1. emotional and social attraction:

2. Physical and sexual attraction

3. Attitudes about giving and recieving pleasure.

4. Cultural views on gender and gender roles.

It's hard to relate to someone whose views/perceptions are very different from our own, so we tend to process our understanding of them with flawed views... in other words, if we don't relate.. we sometimes refuse to look and make a call on what we think we see. That's prejudice defined. ... The O/P mentioned her guy's objetion to the "you're either staight or gay" attitude. ... you admit ya don't know for sure about him. What if he DOES consider himself bi-sexual? Your view would imply that you reject his feelings and attraction to YOU, as being fake. Under those circumstances he has every right to feel hurt.
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Re: Sex addict and could be bi/gay?

Postby AlexJ » Tue Aug 23, 2011 6:47 am

Hallusinating wrote:I think you have a good point about what you say in what i quote if you change it into regarding her boyfriend instead of the therapist. The therapist isn`t really the issue here, i think you have misunderstood it, she only mentioned him because of the coincident that he is gay.


AlexJ wrote:what makes you think they can help you if they cant even help themselves?


lol ok no I just wanted to say because if you start having issues with your sexual orientation becasue you watch too much porn, its not wise to go see a therapist who is in fact gay himself. Not trying to sound homophobic or anything but obviously a therapist who is hetero would try to help him with this issue while one who is a homo, not so sure. anyhow, thats just my 2 cents.
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