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Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

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Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

Postby andi » Fri May 06, 2011 6:07 am

This is something I have a hard time with, and it has been a small factor in why I cant have a relationship with anyone. I have so many skeletons in my closet. What am I supposed to share with a lover? Any of it? None of it? I know I need to share with any potential mate that I have stds for life. Do I need to share the fact that I was an escort/prostitute? Do I need to share the fact that I had a secret intimate relationship with my stepbrother for years? On the one hand I feel like the past is the past and its mine to have and share if I want, or not. On the other hand I feel like a decent man would deserve to know these things, because I know any decent man would be disgusted by these things and would not want to be with a woman with a past like mine, and that he would deserve the chance to make that decision, and not have me do it for him by forever keeping it a secret.
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Re: Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

Postby AlexJ » Fri May 06, 2011 8:51 am

hey,

I'll tell you one thing; everyone has some sort of skeletons in their closets. This might be a bad thing that most people dont experience but others also have things you didnt experience as well.

It all depends how to take it. If you didnt care at all thats one thing but if you feel regrets and ashamed, that means you are ready to move on and change.

Dont live in the past. Learn from it and move on.

Honestly, its going to be hard to find a man that will accept all of this but it takes a genuine person to accept someone who's been through this. It takes someone with a lot of understanding really. Honestly, you're better off spilling the beans and telling the truth because lies usually never last.

Be patient and as long as you stay positive you can make things work out.
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Re: Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

Postby romoto » Fri May 06, 2011 9:06 pm

It has to be balanced depending on what the situation is. There is no need to blurt everything out on a first date, but if you were to sleep with someone they need to know about the STD's
We all have a past, I have no STD's but certainly deserved one back in the day, was just lucky. I never sold my body, but I am no better than you for the lifestyle I lived. At my age STD would be a deal breaker, if there were no STD I would not hold a person's past against them. Providing the have learned and grown as a person. I know a couple of people with STD's that have found boyfriends with the same and are very happy now. So there is hope.
The past can come back to haunt us and only you would know if it will. For me I live in a new city, don't go out much, and the likelyhood of some woman from the past reappearing in some sort of rage are pretty slim. I was always with willing partners and never forced myself on anyone, it just that I had a reputation for sleeping around.
My guess is, if I met someone, they would more than likely be the type to accept me or I would not want to bother anyway.
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Re: Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

Postby andi » Fri May 06, 2011 11:03 pm

Alex I have much shame and regret, I would love to move on, but its seeming very difficult for me to do, facing these dilemmas. I know it will be very difficult to find a good man who can accept these things about me. That is of course why it would be far easier to not tell, but that seems wrong too. Patience is my greatest virtue, sometimes lol. Its been 3 years since I have had sex :shock:

Jeffery thats the thing though, I DONT expect anyone to just accept this about me. If he doesnt like it, thats because he is a self respecting man who doenst want to be with a woman who spent so much of her life having no respect for herself. It doesnt mean that hes not my type or not someone I wouldnt want to be around and be with. My past does and would come back to haunt me from very benign ways. Stuff in the media sparks conversations amongst family and friends. I have heard many derogatory things said about hookers or those who have willingly participated in incest just in some random conversation (ok not so much the incest but it could happen). These things hurt me but of course whoever is saying them has no clue that they are saying things that are directly insulting and hurting me.

You are right though, the stds alone would be deal breakers for most men (its nothing fatal), so the likely hood of me actually getting to the point in a relationship where I would tell these things is real slim.

Thank you both for your input, it is much appreciated.
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Re: Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

Postby romoto » Sat May 07, 2011 8:49 am

I can understand the hurt when others speak out, old friends have offered their opinion about me to people I know, what is odd is they have a negative opinion, but it seems to slip their mind they were doing all the same things I was. Some think having 100 partners makes them better than a hooker if they don't charge. It does not.
The point I am makig is many opinions are like armpits, they just stink. Sure there are those who have lived almost perfect lives, but my guess is 50% have plenty to hide.
Try to focus on what you have learned from all of it. You know things that most will never learn about people. Use that to advance in life.
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Re: Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

Postby Robin » Sat May 07, 2011 7:15 pm

If you are just casually dating someone...than I don't think you need to disclose past relationships...or anything you don't feel comfortable sharing. But, if you find someone really special, someone you know you want a permanant relationship with, than there is a part of me that feels like you should disclose...if for the sake that if he were to find out there would be no shock that you were hiding stuff from him....but than, there is also that side of me that feels, that some things should just be put in the past and kept there. I don't think i'm really helping.....I think if I were in a relationship with someone who had a history like yours...and I loved them very much..and they told me about a past like yours...it would be a shock...but I'd like to think we would talk, discuss, and see where you were in life NOW....people change, people make mistakes, and what we did in the past shouldn't be held over our heads forever...and if you meet the right man, who loves you and respects you, he should understand!! And if all he can do is judge...than he wasn't meant for you, and you will find better! Good luck!!
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Re: Full disclosure with SO? Need everyones opinion please!

Postby andi » Sat May 07, 2011 10:53 pm

Yeah I totally agree with you on basically everything you wrote Robin! I just hope that whatever man I may someday be in a loving relationship with, will feel the same way.
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