Yeah it started watching Victoria's Secret stuff and a little bit of porn mag stuff when I was 11 and watching an old porn VHS that my uncle lent me at 12. Then I started really getting into internet porn at 14. I discovered interracial porn specifically when I was 15 and started watching that mostly from 17/18 onward I think. So by the time I went to bed with that ex at 18, having had at least 4 good years of internet porn viewing under my belt, couldn't get it up and I was absolutely floored with this given how often I masturbated. I didn't find her attractive at all but I know she had previous sexual partners. So I know that I'm at the very least desensitized to some extent.AuroraWizard wrote:I am also a 25 year old guy and a lot of what you have said here resonates with me although i wouldn't say i have the same sexual/pornographical fantasies. From a young age ( 11/12 ) i was aware of pornography and with the birth of home internet when i was around this age i began to check out pornography clips, pics and erotic stories simply because i found it incredibly arousing and pleasurable. The problem was the underlying damage this was doing to my self-esteem and condfidence especially with the opposite sex. I have had real issues with intimacy with the other sex ( females ) and i am convinced that my early exposure to pornography is in some way to blame. I'll give you an example, when i see a female when i am out and about who is let's say dressed quite provocatively and is extremely attractive, in my minds eye i almost place her in a porno clip and imagine doing the same things as in those clips. what i am trying to say is pornography distorts reality and your expectations of normal sexual behaviour because it simply raises the bar of what to expect, and this is perhaps why you feel so desensitised and maybe underwhelmed when it comes to normal sexual relations. The simple fact is pornography is not real it is carefully manipulated to draw the ( mainly male ) audience in and get them hooked because all the porn stars are damn hot and that is deliberate because the male will remember how pleasurable it was to get off on such a hot girl so in order to feel like that again the guy goes back again for more and more and more until it is an addiction. Now i'm not saying your a porn addict i'm just saying it's exactly like a drug or gambling addict or even an alcoholic who needs more and more to feel satisfied but the truth is that the brain is always looking for more and more of the pleasure extracted from these things because it produces endorphins which make you feel good.
My self-esteem was damaged well before I started watching porn. Porn is just an escape for me.I have not watched or looked at pornography for at least 6 months now because i simply saw it for the dead end it is, a way of quick stimulation and pleasure but damaging your self-esteem and worth in the process. don't get me wrong there is times when i just want to hop on the net and masturbate over some porn star but i know how $#%^ i will feel afterwards and man i hate feeling like that because it isn't what i really need.
Yep. I have those desires like any other guy but being an avoidant who hasn't even bothered trying to date in 7 years, I need to be able to release that tension somehow. And the porn and the fantasies make it easy. And it reduces my motivation to actually put myself out there (and plus the whole dating world thing is like a shark tank to an avoidant with poor social skills). However deep down I rely on my addictions and distractions (not just porn/fantasy but also stuff like internet use, videogames and what not) to distract me from loneliness. I've become quite adept at distracting myself from loneliness. Sure I could get a really big high out of these fantasies. And it fulfills my physiological need. Maybe that's why my sex drive is much lower than my mental drive, my libido. Because I've desensitized my physiological system so much. But my mind is starving for a real physical connection with a woman I can trust (and hopefully love). As an avoidant, I don't trust many people so that's hard. There is a mental sexual frustration there. The physiological need is met. But there is a mental emptiness there after the build up and orgasm is over.It is interesting that you mention avoidant personality disorder because i am very avoidant and i think this gives someone the predisposition to get hooked or interested in porn becuase they feel it will meet their needs and desires but it is an illusion it never will it will only leave you feeling more and more empty inside.
Yep I definitely have low self-esteem. My self-esteem has improved a lot as of late but I still have a long way to go. As for the happy loving relationship thing, that's the main reason why I want to get rid of the porn and the more kinky fantasies. I can't go without at least masturbating and fantasizing about sleeping with a woman. But I want to let go of the porn and the voyeuristic (black men with white women) and extra kinky fantasies. If I meet that special woman, I want to be able to know that I could get a hard-on with her making out and stay hard without having to pop a Cialis or Viagra, introduce a kinky element all the time or (worse) bringing a black guy to the bedroom. lol. I wouldn't want to ruin an opportunity for a rewarding long-term relationship. Though I'd like to imagine that the porn and the crazy fetishes would stop if I were in that relationship. But it might take me awhile to desensitize myself and reprogram my brain to get the desired physiological response from her. Porn-induced impotence is apparently quite common and I've seen people online report success after some weeks abstaining from porn or weaning off it. Some say that moderating masturbation in conjuction with abstaining from porn also helps. I'm not impotent, it's clear the plumbing works. But I have a feeling that my virility is low for 25.I am guessing you struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth too? because i know i do and have a really hard time loving myself never mind seeing myself in a healthy relationship. I could put a million quid sown that if you were in a healthy loving happy relationship all this would fizzle into pale insignificance and you would see the futility in it all!
Yeah I guess the nature of the kink itself doesn't matter to much. What matters is the addiction to these kinks. The other day my sister found a few files of interracial amateur porn on my hard drive and I was mortified. She didn't say anything but being an avoidant, you can imagine that I was worried about the possibility of what was going on in her head. Did she think I was mentally f'd up? Did she think I was a closet homosexual? Bisexual? I was very ashamed of her knowing about that fetish. If it was regular un-themed 1 on 1 vanilla porn (or even something like a bj or anal theme or something not too "out there" for people to understand), I wouldn't have freaked out so much. After all, it probably would seem pretty weird that a white guy would beat off to black men sleeping with white wives.I used to love school girl porn u know girls in the classroom, pigtails, lollipops short skirts and busts hanging out of their blouses but i wouldn't worry to much about the nature of your pornography viewing it all serves the same purpose to stimulate and get you hooked. That is why there is soooooo much diversity out there when it comes to sexual pleasure and fetishes etc, i mean some people like to dress up as babies and have sex how strange is that? lol
Honestly I think the sexual orientation thing is like a spectrum. And it's more blurred than people like to admit. I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with a guy or anything like that. I've also tried looking at gay porn (featuring black guys as well) to see if I'd get turned on but it didn't do anything for me. But if I was attracted to a guy and he came on to me or I knew he was gay/bi, I think I'd be open to kissing and oral sex. I did fantasize about a homosexual experience earlier this morning (some random white dude though. But he was bigger and more "masculine" than me. lol) though frequently within that fantasy I'd kind of picture myself as a hot chick doing the kissing and performing oral sex. I'm not really into the male/male imagery. As an avoidant male who has been picked on all the way until the end of highschool and has insecurities about his masculinity, I think I kinda have this wish I was born a woman instead. Thinking that things would have been easier if I was a chick and didn't have to live up to all of these expectations society has of me as a male (no the sex change thing is out of the question! lol Though I have this fantasy of taking this magic pill that transformed me into a hot chick within a 48 hour period, going out and having lots of sex with guys picked up from bars and clubs, esp. large, muscular well-endowed black guys, and having a girl/girl experience. And then turning back to normal as a male after that 48 hour period.)I also wanted to touch on your mentioning of bisexuality / bicuriousness and share with you that i consider myself a straight male although i have passionately kissed and had oral sex with a male before. I am still confused from time to time about my sexuality but i never get stimulated or sexually aroused by the thought of having sex with men it is always women in my mind. Why did i have oral sex with a guy you might ask? good question the answer is probably curiosity and to figure out whether or not i was gay? i still dont really know why? I think sexual orientation is getting so blurred and there is now a huge grey area when it comes to sex now.
For example look at David Walliams ( Guy from little Britain ) he got married the other day but i always thought like most people that he was gay he certainly acts it! lol! ok this doesn't prove that you arent gay just if you get married the point i wanted to make was you can never be sure of anything nowadays..............
My father is an authoritarian type of personality and emotionally distant (to both the kids and our mom). And no, he's not one of those uber-masculine guys I've fantasized about. He's one of those Napoleon Complex d-bags if anything. I look at my father as a beta male (though a beta male that actually managed to trick my mother into reproducing with him). And I have a resentment towards my mother for sticking with him and being the loyal, devout Catholic wife. For years he would threaten to leave her and the kids if she didn't put out for him on command and she was afraid that she'd go to hell if she did that and that no men would want her so she let this go on and just played the role of the dutiful wife. She should have cuckolded him (with a guy that she actually wanted to have sex with), taken his house, taken the kids and remarried with a new man. Maybe that's why I get a kick out of the whole black man screwing white wives thing (often times in the videos the husband watches but I don't always watch those). Maybe it's about wanting to see my father be humiliated. Maybe that's part of the reason. Ever since my dad couldn't get it up anymore (my mom really let herself go after she was pregnant with me. It was around that time), my mom has stood up to him a lot more, loses her temper with him frequently and calls him out on his crap a lot more often. Though he still very much calls the shots.I hope i haven't bored you with my lengthy reply but it is a saturday afternoon and there isn't much to do where i live lol! I would like to ask you about your relationship with your parents? My parents are divorced and they split when i was 10 i never see my dad anymore although i did live with him briefly 3 or 4 years ago. Do you have a healthy loving relationship with them? I hope you don't think i'm being rude but i am convinced that a lot of my difficulties with love and intimacy stem from a very unhappy, strict and not very loving childhood with not a lot of love shown by them. This ties in with you being avoidant perhaps? It is so important that when you are young you have the opportunity to show and receive love if not when you grow up you have a tremendous difficulty with this area of life!
Yeah it's been at least six days since I saw porn videos and pics. But yeah even the lit erotica stuff is probably not healthy for me. I have wondered also if I should cut down on masturbation as well. Because it gets me used to the pattern where I manually stimulate myself in order to get an erection rather than let the erections happen spontaneously. I had morning wood today but it was more like a semi. I had to stimulate myself a bit in order to get a full erection (that's likely normal I'd imagine though but often times I have to stimulate myself a lot to get to that point). It was more full than usual though today because I had fantasized about a guy, which was novel for me since I almost always fantasize about women during my "alone time". That had me worried that fantasizing about a guy (or fantasizing about being a woman with a guy) would desensitize my regular having sex with a woman fantasy (I try not to include anything more than intercourse and oral sex in that standard fantasy. Though sometimes I'll think about sharing my dream woman with well-endowed black guys and I'm telling myself that I have to stop because this would probably ruin normal sex for me but the fantasy is so hot and the session is so intense that it's hard to stop. There are times where I'm sweating profusely and my heart rate is going.)Keep on talking about how you feel even if it's a post on this forum don't keep it inside people understand a lot more than you think and there is always someone on this forum with ears! Try your best not to visit any porn sites either because trust me you will see your self-esteem start to develop again!
jerry.espenson wrote:Quitting porn addiction needs lots of patience and effort.
I managed to quit after lots of trials and errors.
http://quitporn.net is a good resource you can check.
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