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How to deal with my boyfriend's sex addiction

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How to deal with my boyfriend's sex addiction

Postby tschreib1 » Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:55 pm

Hi, I've been trying to deal with my boyfriend's sex addiction on my own (web research) and feel like I need something more. I've known for six months now that he had a porn addiction (child porn to boot) and thought that was the extent of it. Things came to a head a month ago when he started to receive text messages he tried hiding from me. He confessed that back in June he paid someone $200 to hook him up with a 17 yo whom he paid $100 to have sex with (we are both 40). The person he paid $200 to found out he had a girlfriend (me) and tried blackmailing him or they would tell me. He says he didn't do it to hurt me and that he has a problem, he says it won't happen again. I've been having him read stuff online to help him and he has read it. I have as well and have been trying to put myself first. Just wondering if the trust ever comes back and things will be good again? Or am I wasting my time? We have a 21 and 20 yo together and things are good between us otherwise. I tried helping when I first saw the child porn on my computer but he ignored it and it escalated to this. Could this be his rock bottom? Enough to wake him up and realize he needs help? Please any advice on how to get through this is greatly appreciated!
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Re: How to deal with my boyfriend's sex addiction

Postby winginitx » Fri Oct 15, 2010 2:29 pm

As an SA and a sponsor, i can tell you that you probably know only the tip of the iceberg. SA's are very compartmentalized and exceptional liars. Please hear me: He will not get better without extensive and focused professional help. Period. If you love him, create standards and stick to them. Such as; he needs to get involved with weekly therapy, join a 12 step groups for SA's and get a sponsor.
You cannot be his warden - and shouldn't want to be. he has to want to get better and do the things required to do that. As a retired cop, the child porn thing and sex with minors bothers me every more. What the hell are you doing making excuses for his criminal behavior?
he can get better, but with tons of expert help and a committment to recovery. Yo uneed to make him make a choice: A life with you or a life of addiction. This is the tough part of true love. If he can't tell him you will be there when he gets his crap together and is serious about being a better person.

Please, you owe it to you rand him to be tough on this. Dont' back down.
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Re: How to deal with my boyfriend's sex addiction

Postby jaybaines30 » Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:05 pm

Does "Hitting Bottom" Work?
One of the greatest myths about overcoming addiction is the belief spread by the Twelve Step Program and conventional, licensed therapy that "You have to hit bottom before you can overcome it."

Not only that it doesn't work, Hitting bottom gives you the perverse incentive to continue indulging in self-destructive behavior in the hope that someday you will find bottom and then be able to stop.
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Re: How to deal with my boyfriend's sex addiction

Postby tschreib1 » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:38 pm

Oh, I am not making excuses for him, his criminal behavior weighs greatly on me. I told him he could go to jail for what he had done and his quick response was "Then send me to jail if it'll make you feel better." Feel better? I just wanted him to get help! He kept trying to tell me that "porn" is normal which I agreed, I told him CHILD porn is not and is not acceptable. He didn't see viewing it as "criminal" even when I tried explaining that he is contributing to the horrible industry and giving it a reason to exist!!! He apparently told the person who did the hook up that he was "into young girls" which led to the horrible outcome. Of course I thought I was what he was into...it hurts so much to think of him thinking sexually of girls younger than our daughter!!! I am 40, 5'4", 110 lbs and our daughter and I are mistaken for sisters all the time so I KNOW it's nothing to do with me. It's part of the addiction or illness if you will. There was years (maybe 7 years back) when we went 6 or 7 weeks at a time without sex, with no explanation, no excuses, nothing but for me to wonder what was going on. It wasn't until a year ago when we got internet hook up that I was able to determine what the problem was. He insists he NEVER had a problem with masturbation with the porn, although I suspect that's why we hardly had sex for all that time. He was better with sex after I said something numerous times and knew it was a problem for me. When all this hit the fan he wouldn't acknowledge he had a problem, he said since I had a problem with it that therefore it was his problem. He finally admitted it was a problem but still insists he can beat this on his own. I think he doesn't want to have to tell someone about his "problem", that talking about it means he certainly has issues that need working on. I do love him and don't want to give up on our relationship when it's something that he can overcome. I can't force him though and I think he would rather lose me than have to talk to someone...it's so frustrating for me when help is readily available.
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Re: How to deal with my boyfriend's sex addiction

Postby romoto » Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:56 am

I would be vary worried if I were you, Don't be surprised if your door gets kicked in one day when the police show up for downloading kiddie porn. It can be a year later and once on the computer, there is no getting rid of it. He is putting you at great risk hiring child prostitutes, if he is bringing them back to your house, it is common for them to let their boyfriends know what you got in the house so they can steal it later. All these things have been on the news
He does need professional help and if i were you, I would demand he get it, or out the door he goes. The stuff he is doing can effect you and your family in many ways, and it needs to be dealt with now.
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