I've masturbated for as long as I can remember, and my mom told me I used to masturbate even as a baby, and some of my first memories are of masturbating, not that I knew what it was, it just felt really nice and relieving to rub my penis till I reached this kind of "high" feeling, a release that got rid of ny stress and gave me enormous comfort. I learnt to do it in private before I can remember. The thing is, I've been masturbating compulsively from a very young age. I can't remember exactly when it became compulsive, but I had to masturbate every night, even as like a 5 year old, to relieve stress. If I didn't masturbate, I'd feel restless and jumpy, I just couldn't stand it - I HAD to masturbate. I couldn't sleep without it. When I became a teenager I tried to cut down by trying to fantasize about ugly things, but ultimately I developed a very serious porn addiction at the age of 12 which I have to this day, and now the two (masturbation and porn) are pretty much one and the same problem. I need to look at porn like I need to masturbate (If I don't look at porn, I get that same agitation I got as a 7 year old when I neglected to masturbate - it's a very specific physical feeling, and I remember it vividly from childhood). I've never been molested, or if I was it must have been pretty young because I don't remember anything like that at all.
I want to make it clear I have absolutely no moral objection to masturbation. I have pretty liberal views on sex, but I personally live pretty conservatively. I think it's a perfectly normal and proper human behaviour, but with me, it's way out of my control. I've tried all sorts of compensatory behaviours to stop masturbating - exercising, exercising to the point of joint and muscle injury, binge eating, self harm, compulsive spending, and overusing prescription meds. Self harm's the most effective method of prevention (and self punishment) but I'm really sick of these damn scars because I'm very self conscious about the disturbing looking blemishes and scars on my body, so I'm very motivated not to do that anymore, because I've got potential to be a pretty attractive guy (or boy, as I like to think...).
Under ordinary circumstances it might just be a relatively minor annoyance to be a compulsive masturbator (not to denigrate the problems of other compulsive masturbators), but I'm attracted to young boys, and I don't want to end up looking at anything illegal that could get me thrown in prison, so I'm taking the fairly drastic step of taking testosterone lowering hormones ("chemical castration") to reduce my sex drive (sex is nothing but trouble and trauma for me - I hate it. I just want to be free of sexual distractions in order to concentrate on worthwhile intellectually satisfying activities).
It seems utterly bizarre to me when I hear about guys "discovering masturbation" at the age of 13 or whatever. I feel envious of them, my habit goes back so far and is such an integral part of my being that I feel hopeless that I'll ever beat it. I know it's normal and common for very young kids to masturbate (I've seen a very young member of my family, who hasn't quite grasped the concept of modesty yet, doing a little more than "playing with herself") but is it normal for really little kids to have this almost addictive, compulsive kind of masturbation like I had?