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Compulsive masturbation since infancy

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Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby onlysleep » Wed Aug 18, 2010 8:55 am

I've masturbated for as long as I can remember, and my mom told me I used to masturbate even as a baby, and some of my first memories are of masturbating, not that I knew what it was, it just felt really nice and relieving to rub my penis till I reached this kind of "high" feeling, a release that got rid of ny stress and gave me enormous comfort. I learnt to do it in private before I can remember. The thing is, I've been masturbating compulsively from a very young age. I can't remember exactly when it became compulsive, but I had to masturbate every night, even as like a 5 year old, to relieve stress. If I didn't masturbate, I'd feel restless and jumpy, I just couldn't stand it - I HAD to masturbate. I couldn't sleep without it. When I became a teenager I tried to cut down by trying to fantasize about ugly things, but ultimately I developed a very serious porn addiction at the age of 12 which I have to this day, and now the two (masturbation and porn) are pretty much one and the same problem. I need to look at porn like I need to masturbate (If I don't look at porn, I get that same agitation I got as a 7 year old when I neglected to masturbate - it's a very specific physical feeling, and I remember it vividly from childhood). I've never been molested, or if I was it must have been pretty young because I don't remember anything like that at all.

I want to make it clear I have absolutely no moral objection to masturbation. I have pretty liberal views on sex, but I personally live pretty conservatively. I think it's a perfectly normal and proper human behaviour, but with me, it's way out of my control. I've tried all sorts of compensatory behaviours to stop masturbating - exercising, exercising to the point of joint and muscle injury, binge eating, self harm, compulsive spending, and overusing prescription meds. Self harm's the most effective method of prevention (and self punishment) but I'm really sick of these damn scars because I'm very self conscious about the disturbing looking blemishes and scars on my body, so I'm very motivated not to do that anymore, because I've got potential to be a pretty attractive guy (or boy, as I like to think...).

Under ordinary circumstances it might just be a relatively minor annoyance to be a compulsive masturbator (not to denigrate the problems of other compulsive masturbators), but I'm attracted to young boys, and I don't want to end up looking at anything illegal that could get me thrown in prison, so I'm taking the fairly drastic step of taking testosterone lowering hormones ("chemical castration") to reduce my sex drive (sex is nothing but trouble and trauma for me - I hate it. I just want to be free of sexual distractions in order to concentrate on worthwhile intellectually satisfying activities).

It seems utterly bizarre to me when I hear about guys "discovering masturbation" at the age of 13 or whatever. I feel envious of them, my habit goes back so far and is such an integral part of my being that I feel hopeless that I'll ever beat it. I know it's normal and common for very young kids to masturbate (I've seen a very young member of my family, who hasn't quite grasped the concept of modesty yet, doing a little more than "playing with herself") but is it normal for really little kids to have this almost addictive, compulsive kind of masturbation like I had?
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby feedtherightwolf » Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:40 pm

How old are you?
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby JayD » Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:19 pm

This is very bizarre. I have never come read anything like this before and I have read a lot of strange $#%^ in my life. Trust me. lol. I really don't know how to offer advice. I would seek professional help seen you said you were attracted to young boys. Even though you weren't molested you might have some other factors influencing you compulsive masturbation. I was going to say if it was effecting your life to an extreme don't worry about it. But it seems like you are actually starting to be controlled by this compulsion to masturbate. I would quit using all of the other techniques you tried and just focusing on why you might be masturbating. If there are any strange sexual memories that occur that might be why. Maybe a distant mother or father or something of the sort. Get back to me on how all that goes for you. Very strange.
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby onlysleep » Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:58 pm

I'm 23, and I have absolutely no memories whatsoever of any kind of abuse - sexual, physical, or emotional, although I was an extremely lonely child. I have been seeing psychologists and psychiatrists about my pedophilia, it's a very frustrating sexual orientation to suffer from, though I'd just like to make it clear that I would never act on my thoughts in any way. It's the same separation between someone who's angry at their boss and someone who murders their boss. I'm not really sure why I masturbate compulsively, I guess it's stress.
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby feedtherightwolf » Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:25 pm

You need professional help, and from somebody who is really good. It sound like a very unique case, at least from the way you present it.
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby jaybaines30 » Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:51 pm

Your mom probably remember you playing with yourself....that is not masturbation...because you didn't have any sexual feelings at that time.
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby onlysleep » Thu Aug 19, 2010 5:48 am

I can't speak for when I was a baby, but certainly by six it was sexual, even though I didn't know what that meant. Whether you like to admit it or not, young children have sexual feelings, and they can orgasm.
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby likewise » Thu Aug 19, 2010 1:39 pm

I think your case is pretty unusual, but not totally unique.It sounds to me like you just discovered it early (perhaps by accident) and then became addicted, maybe you have an addictive personality (children tend to be compulsive in any case and want to repeat routines that give them comfort). You said you were doing it to "relieve stress", I don't know if you mean the stress of the urge or just general stress you felt as a child. Children in poor living situations (I know you said you weren't abused) tend to develop sexual behaviors precociously as a way of coping, and if you felt unusually stressed as a child, for whatever reason, this could also be a contributing factor.
Last edited by likewise on Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby myke » Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:17 pm

listening and reading to all these problems is bizarre and crap but I guess forums like these intends to help one another and understand each other's feelings and problems...keep your head up high...stay positive!
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Re: Compulsive masturbation since infancy

Postby WonderfulDay » Sat Aug 28, 2010 3:28 pm

Has this compulsion harmed your ability to enjoy partnered sex? (Intercourse)
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