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Married to a sex addict

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Married to a sex addict

Postby Anne2010 » Sun Aug 15, 2010 5:49 pm

Am I right in thinking that a sex addict has no conscience?

My husband has never admitted to having a problem, and when confronted about 'other women' he will lie - but it is the way in which he can lie - if I did not know the truth I would totally believe him, that is how good he is at lying - he will look you right in the eyes and tell the most horrific lies without even so much as a blink. He makes you think you are so special to him.

He says he cannot stand certain types of women but about half of his 'other women' are that type.

His other women fall into two types, those that he lies to so that they think he might actually divorce me and marry them - and those that are either married and wanting an affair or those that just like casual sex. He NEVER uses protection of any kind no matter how he meets the women. If he meets a woman online and the next day she meets him for sex he will do it without any protection and that includes anal.

He spends most of his days and evenings talking to women he is already sexually active with, or those that he is working up to having sex with or putting more adverts online to meet even more women. I feel that his appetite for 'other women' is getting worse.

I don't know if he will ever face up to his situation. I don't know if this is just evil behaviour or if he really is suffering from an illness. I know he could be a wonderful husband if only he could kick this, but I don't know what to do.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby winginitx » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:53 am

Addicts are accomplished liars...they will say anything and everything to get their fix. SA's are not different.
You have the right to be safe and secure in your marriage. You have a right to set and expect boundaires on moral sexual behavior. There must be - and this is crucial - consequences for his behavior when he exceeds those boundaries. Those boundaries are up to you. If he was owning up to the problem and actively in recovery, that is one thing. But a hub in denial - you may as well be talking to a wall.

You have the right - and if you have kids, the obligation - to be the protectress of your family. His actions are a direct threat to you family. The question soon becomes: How much of this are you willing to take before you do something?

You may want to look at the website http://www.marriedtoasexaddict.com for some support and resources. Just be careful there; there is some great advice and heart-wrenching stories there, but there is a lot of anger and hostility there....understandably so.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby feedtherightwolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:24 am

I always give one advice to women in your position. Tell him that unless he will stop stop, you will leave him.

If he will not want to stop, he will only make your life a nightmare anyway.

But there is a chance that you leaving will help him to realize that he might want to stop after all.

If he does decide to stop, give him some time. It usually takes at least 1-2 years before a significant progress is made.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby Anne2010 » Mon Aug 16, 2010 5:41 pm

Thank you so much for your replies - I will check out the site mentioned.

It is hard to set boundaries with someone who won't face up to what they are doing. With my husband it is either a case of him getting away with it or getting caught out - and when he was caught out he actually blamed me for the troubles in our marriage because I had found out - truly believing that if I had not found out we would be just fine!

We did split up for a while, but although he wanted us back together he continued to cheat in just the same way - he just tried to be more careful about being caught. It became clear that his behaviour had not changed because he made so many mistakes which I think happen because he can't really keep up with the amount of women he is playing at the same time.

If I try to say anything about him being out he will say that I am doing that because I am throwing the past at him and that because I keep doing that our marriage is in trouble. I try to say that if he didn't act so secretive all the time I would have nothing to question him about, but he just throws walls up and won't talk.

I know leaving him won't work - we will end up divorced and he will find another women to take my place - and then in time she will realise and he will be getting another divorce for the same reasons. I can't tell him he has a problem as that is met with anger of accusing him of having a problem - but I don't know how to get him to see his problem and face up to it being a problem.
I can't even insist on using protection as that means I am accusing him of having sex with other women. I don't want to give up
on the marriage but am fast running out of the strength to stay when I can't see any sign of him changing.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby feedtherightwolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 5:59 pm

Make sure to use protection no matter what, you know he is very likely to be cheating, and you cannot risk your health for this. Make up an unrelated excuse if you have to.

If you can't leave him, it is your choice. I doubt you will find any magic advice that would help you change him. He has got to want to change on his own.

May be him getting arrested or catching an STD will help him wake up one of these days, but God only knows how long it will be before that happens.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby jaybaines30 » Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:22 pm

if your husband's problem is infedility it can be stopped immediately however if it is masturbation/porn that will take some time.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby Anne2010 » Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:15 pm

I'm a little confused by jaybaines30's comment as it implies an addict is either cheating or using porn/masturbation?

My husband cheats with various women, some are full blown affairs, others are married women who want sex on the side, and others are just women who either enjoy casual sex or are into swinging. He also spends a great deal of time viewing porn online - masturbation to my knowledge is only when interacting with others online using webcams. I truly do not know if he masturbates entirely by himself.

I didn't think that addicts only used one type of sex?

But I also did not realise that sex addicts are often associated as being very selfish lovers. On reading material on another site it would seem most addicts are very bad lovers - but my husband is an excellent lover, very attentive and will go to any length to please his partner - sadly, I have also been told by other women of how marvelous he is in the bedroom.

The more I read the more confused I get as it would seem that I am also labeled as being unwell or sick by not leaving him.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby feedtherightwolf » Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:30 pm

Why are you choosing to stay with a man who treats you like that?
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby Anne2010 » Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:16 pm

I've tried to leave him.

I don't have an 'excuse' for still being married to him.

All I can say, is that despite what I know, I cannot seem to convince myself that my life will be better without him - in short, I love him but at the same time desperately need for him to acknowledge his problem and start to deal with it. At present he is in denial, complete denial - I know I can't make that change, I have tried to call him out but it doesn't work. I realise that the only person that can change his behaviour is him - he needs to accept that he needs to change, that is the only way forward. I just wonder if he will ever recognise that fact or will forever be happy living a double life?

I don't see how he can be happy when each and every single day is dominated by online fixes of porn, searching for more women and talking to several women who all think they are the only woman in his life - his stress levels are through the roof in just trying to keep up with it all, so I really don't get why he can't see that it is destroying his life and marriage rather than providing him with enjoyment.

As I said, he is the only one that can change his behaviour - and until I can come to a point where I can detach myself from him emotionally I won't have the ability to leave him once and for all. If that makes me sick, so be it.
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Re: Married to a sex addict

Postby Anne2010 » Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:25 pm

I've also realised that I am on the losing side. If I confront him or even so much as be upset by secretive behaviour I am seen as the nagging wife - his response to what he sees as my nagging him is to go and spend time, either online, on the phone or in person, with another woman - who just happens to be sympathetic and super nice to him because she doesn't have the first clue of what he is or why his wife is nagging him! These women might not be so available and sympathetic if they knew why he had marital problems - but in the main, they think that because he contacts them to tell them his story of how I am a bad wife that he might leave me and move in with them.

I couldn't confront him without losing him. I've seen it with him. He can't handle it and will just run to the first woman who will be nice to him. I guess I can't handle that situation - I don't know how to - but I do know that choosing an action that will only result in him going to another woman just does not help.

I've also tried confrontation with the other women - but am met with a barrage of hatred as they see me as a person who has made his life a misery - oh well, if only I had been a good wife !! - they think he is a saint who is trying so hard to make his wife happy but that she is just a horrible and wicked person. They want me to 'let him go' so that they can be happy together and they refuse to believe that there are a dozen other women all who think the same thing!
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