Not sure where to turn.

Hello everyone,
I’m 20 and I’m a guy, and I’m struggling each day more and more. When I was 12 I had my first encounter with sex, with another male. He was my cousin, we had sexual relations for around 4 years but neither of us thought in the mind set of “homosexuality”. We both especially me became addicted to pornography. Just Women and never homosexual porn, at least involving men. after high school things continued for me even though my cousin and I didn’t speak because a 2 year age difference and mind set. I never quit with porn I got worse, with it became compulsive masturbation. Sometimes 3 times a day but I had to make myself quit that because I still live with my parents, so I’m down to once a night.
About a year ago I started buying “sex toys”, since then I’ve racked up around 400dollars in just them. It saddens me to even think of it. Now my favorite hobby (watching movies) has turned into another way for my mind to feel sex. Movies with nudity are always a “plus” for me, and I enjoy them, at least while they are on, than afterward I just breakdown.
So recently I’ve been posting on any adult website I can for a “hookup” I don’t even care if they have a disease, yet still I’ve never been with a woman, only places I go are to the movies always alone, I go to the mall or wal-mart or something but how do I meet someone? I know this whole post sounds like I’m a big perv but I’m not, at least I don’t want to be. I want love, not lust, yet my body does. Many say its my age, or experimentation, curiosity, since when did either 3 of those make you not want to be human? I feel like I don’t……well I’m numb really.
My therapist is my best friend, she moved tho, my last face to face in person session was this past Thursday, I started seeing her the summer before my senior year in HS. I was almost failing, I remember looking at the ground most of the sessions, until trust built up, and being my 4th therapist in 4 years at the time I didn’t have much faith. However she showed me she was different from other therapists, she didn’t have some clipboard with paper writing stuff down, instead she was really relaxing. She had an aura still does have an aura where you feel on top of the world no matter what. She wrote on my appointment cards little quotes/sayings that were inspiring. Soon I graduated, and she helped me get my first job, and my second, than a temporary one while working my 2nd. Now I have a small resume, never thought that would be possible for me.
She knew how sensitive I was and never told me 3-4 weeks in advance if she was going on vacation I always thought that was very nice and told her, cause’ she knew I’d worry, and be afraid I wouldn’t make it a week, I told her everything about me, and when I talk to her its like heaven, I have nothing to be afraid of, she makes it better.
My parents and I are totally different recently my mother said I was so different and closed up for so many years she doesn’t know me or how to communicate with me, my T knows that she also knows how hard I try to help my mom understand and build a relationship with her and my dad.
Last night some woman I talk to online a friend said I might scare my T away by e-mailing her so soon (I e-mailed her last night in panic)…..
She said she’d do online therapy with me but she wont be settled in for another 3, maybe 4 weeks?......Sex has ruined me, I don’t know anyone even to befriend, now I’m some freak, losing hope…but hoping my T will boost me up again. I hope this gets posted I need support…..and I don’t know where to turn in life anymore.

Thanks,
hthm

If you think you have a masturbation addiction. Don't beat yourself up. Addictive masturbation is not a sin; it is not perverted or disgusting. It's a problem, not a moral weakness. Don't treat yourself like a horrible person. You have a problem, nothing more - or less. Addictive masturbation takes a great toll on a person, but don't expect yourself to overcome a masturbation addiction today. It takes time. You're better off understanding that you are not ready than you are demanding the impossible of yourself. Don't avoid relationships because you have a masturbation problem. You can still build a good relationship even though you are struggling with masturbation addiction.

jaybaines30 wrote:If you think you have a masturbation addiction. Don't beat yourself up. Addictive masturbation is not a sin; it is not perverted or disgusting. It's a problem, not a moral weakness. Don't treat yourself like a horrible person. You have a problem, nothing more - or less. Addictive masturbation takes a great toll on a person, but don't expect yourself to overcome a masturbation addiction today. It takes time. You're better off understanding that you are not ready than you are demanding the impossible of yourself. Don't avoid relationships because you have a masturbation problem. You can still build a good relationship even though you are struggling with masturbation addiction.

I have no idea how to begin to start a relationship, whether it be friend or girlfriend.

I guess I'm to weird and stupid to be understood.....

I need support, anyone?????

You are not alone, there are literally thousands who suffer from the same sort of addiction. One good place to get help is to go to a 12 step recovery meeting for those with various sorts of sexual addiction. Check on line; go to www.slaafws.org and click on meetings. Hopefully, you will find some meetings in your area. If you don't find some meetings there, check our www.saarecovery.org. Between the two of them youi should be able to find a meeting and connect which others who are successfully dealing with this form of addiction. Good Luck!

In your long history you wrote here you did not mention any g/f around you. Do not you think that this is the problem?
Maybe nobody told you that for sexual plays a nice and friendly girl is the best. Your sexual plays with your cousin is normal, you should not think of it too frequently. That time that was normal, this time an appropriate g/f would be normal.