my hub is sex addict,PLEASE HELP,what should i do

Hi,
I'm a wife to a sex addict who thinks that i have no clue about his addiction or the 9 sex buddies he has sex with. This is my story,please give me advice on what to do? Anybody. I'm so lost and have to idea what to do,and being with him without telling him i know his secret is pure torture. So Anyone just help!!!
I'm married for 3 and a half years,i was engaged to my husband for a year. I'm currently pregnant with our first baby,7th month. I love my husband dearly but caught him a couple of times in situations like calls to other girls,photos of naked girls in his mobile,porn,messages that showed he had dates and meetings with girls,but never did i think he could have had sex with anyone else other than me,because every time he was caught he would give me justifiactions,reasons,promises,and actually cries and says how can you not trust me and say that i'm a liar. I even once went home without telling him and couldn't enter the house because the door is locked and i saw that someone was in my bedroom and that whoever it is was peaking through my bedroom window,his car was parked n our garage so i was 100% sure that he was at home,i knocked on the door a million time,ringed his mobile a million times,i told him in messages that i can see that he's in the bedroom but just open the door,after waiting for an hour and a half i went to his parents house,my parents live in a different city,he then called me 6 hours later and told me to come home,that he was dead asleep and didn't hear my calls and door bell ringing.I heard once a phone call,he was in the bathroom,locked and he thought i was asleep,talked with a girl like she was the love of his life,after the call he crawled to bed and kissed me,still thinking i was asleep.
When i knew that i got pregnant i cried,because i didn't think i could do this,have a child with a person i don't trust,but he turned to this amazing guy,he asked about me all the time and told me when he'd be late.But then i knew that he is on this site were people chat,to date,and even the chats are all sexuall,so in order to know what he really does their i registered,found him there and initiated a chat with him.And i'm sure it's him because he once forgot his accont there online so i saw who he is,also he had his picture there in his profile. I talked to him as though i'm a sex addict,just wants dirty talk and sexuall fantasies and that i have sex buddies,and during this conversation he wanted to know if i lived alone, i told him no,i live with a room mate and that roommate is my husband,he was so surprised because he said he lives with his wife as though she's a roommate! he told me he has lots of sex buddies and that he was a sex addict and that sex was his number one prioprity. He told me he has sex up to 4 times a week,he had sex with married women,had 3 sums,went over to the girls place and had rape sex,with her consent,had them come over to my house,and now becasue i asked him to video tape himself having sex with girls because it turns me on,he did,and that was 100% proof that all this isn't just talk,i saw him in my bedroom having sex with a girl,was very happy that he taped this behind the girls back,told me this is the first time he taped himself having sex and that he'll do it again,looks like from now on for everytime he has sex in my bedroom he'll tape it and show it to me.
i thought i should play along till i meet with him and prove to him that i know everything and that he can't deny it,which is what he does everytime,or should i not try to meet him and just bust him in the act since he tells me his every move,and tell him i can't believe this and that he can't deny what i just saw,or should i just shut up and try to fix things,or just get a divorce.
Should i be the supportive wife and be there for him to get help,even though he said he'd rather get a divorce rather than talk to therapist,or should i leave him,and should i play along till i set up a meeting from this site and get himsee that i know everything and no amount of lying can get him out of this situation,or should i just bust him on the act,like tomorrow he's planned to ###$ another girl at our house,so should i surprise him and cathc him in the act. please help me,i can't make any decisions,i feel so lost,and just want to do the right thing.I'm afraid of having sex with him now since he told me has sex with no protection,that he doesn't like condoms,i had yeast infections before and now it makes sense where i got it from since i never had yeast infections in my life not till i married him. I almost couldn't breath when he came that night after i seen the sex tape of the night before,i couldn't sleep that night,and with me being preganat i'm so worried about the health of the baby and me.
It's amazing how a person who seems so wonderfull can be so dirty,he treats me like a queen,doesn't like me to get upset,lets me do and go wherever i want,rarely raises his voice at me,so how can that person be my husband?!
PLEASE ANYONE HELP,I AM DYING SLOWLY HERE!!

Well, first things first. You know what he is doing. You got your proof and have lined up all your ducks. I was your husband: A nice, good guy in every other regard except sexually faithful. I was a serial philanderer, sex clubs, 3 somes, 4 somes, more-somes, even sold myself for sex. Essentially, I did every fantasy that ever came to mind. This is during a 23 year marriage, 2 great kids and a successful career.

What changed? All these things I did was supposed to make me happy...but it only made me more miserable. i also saw a friend of mine more advanced down that road than I, and i didn't want to become like him. I started to see a therapist, attend a 12 step recovery program and worked hard on recovery.
What didn't happen was my wife did not berate me or even confront me...but she didn't tolerate any furtive, aberrant sexual behavior. Meaning, she never abetted my sexual requests. She kept her boundaries....and in the end, I used her as a guidepost of how sexuality should be.
What I learned during my 3 years of recovery is that I was wired differently early on through sexual abuse. What was normal to me was abnormal to my wife and civilized society....but that is all I knew. I couldn't understand why 'they' couldn't see how much fun and 'real' this side of sexuality could be. Honestly...it confused me.
I can't tell you what to do. You have every right and responsibility to protect yourself and your baby. Is he a good man in every other regard? Does he – or you – have a faith life? The reason I ask is that addicts are, by definition, narcissists. They put their fix above everything else, and what a faith life does is put someone/thing higher than them. In the end, that is going to be crucial to recovery.
If you decide to stay married, I can see this approach: A frank conversation telling him what you know…and you don’t have to go into how you found out. I can see you telling him that he needs to get help…and let him find his own way of doing that. Because he needs to want to change. He has to do the work. He should get tested for HIV/STDS and he needs to show you the dated report.
You also have the right to protect your home…and make is free of porn and other women – physically or electronically. …and then take steps to ensure that if he doesn’t.
I was tired of living a double, lying life. It is exhausting. I didn’t like the man in the mirror…and wanted to feel honorable again.
I am not 100%, but I try very hard…and have come a long, long way. I am glad my wife gave me the chance to try and make myself better. But I am the one who wanted it. I wanted to be a better man….a better husband. What kind of man do you have?
If you want to get inside the noggin of a married SA, you can check out my personal blog: www.mydarkpassengerandme.blogspot.com

Why do you let him do it? Every guy would love to be married and still be able to bang every whore in neighborhood, if they can get away with it.

Thanks winginitx for your reply, it is so much more comforting to talk and try to deal with this problem with others rather than just suffer alone, I have done alot of reading about sex addiction and have a fairly good idea what goes on in their heads,i also read your blog and understand what you went through. But the problem is i'm not sure what goes on through my husands mind,if he feels guilty or not and until now i don't know that, however he confessed to me "or the girl who's talking to him on the website" that he was a sex addict,that he did stop not having sex for a while but found that his life was boring and told me the only reason he stopped for a while was because there were no girls at that time available. He is totaly convinced that it's just so much fun and that it's the best thing in life,that it helps you forget problems and not deal with it. That he's not at all a love kind of guy,he said he tried it and been around it and found that he can't have it,that he was heart broken by a girl before getting married and so after that he's not intrested in love relationships. He also told me about how he lost his virginity when he was 15 to a married woman,that she came onto him and that mainly she did everything so she was the one who had sex with him not the other way round,he told me after that he became a sex addict,he used to go have sex with her twice a week,mind you he only told me this story because i asked,honestly i think my husband is messed up and needs help obviously,but like you side he's wired differently and doesn't seem to see that he needs help even though he admits to being a sex addict.

You asked if we have a faith life,I'll answer you yes,and i am a strong believer and do my duties and stick to what is right and keep away from what is wrong,i try not to neglect my prayers at all and so i feel that my faith is very strong and I stand up to my beliefs, my husband on the other hand is not as pious as me,lately i don't see him pray and have a difficult time to get him to pray,he believs in God but doesn't show many signs of him trying to ammend the wrong things he does or neglects the fact that God sees everything and that God sees his wrong doings. He concentrates more on his pleasure and often doesn't like to open any subject regarding faith cuz he thinks i'm so uptight, when the truth is i only do basics,i haven't reached a very high spiritual level,but at the same time i didn't ignore what is least expected from me by God. It's like sometimes he says it's ok to steal and i'd look at him and say no way,and he'd say i'm just too strict,this is how different we are when it comes to faith.

winginitx wrote:If you decide to stay married, I can see this approach: A frank conversation telling him what you know…and you don’t have to go into how you found out. I can see you telling him that he needs to get help…and let him find his own way of doing that. Because he needs to want to change. He has to do the work. He should get tested for HIV/STDS and he needs to show you the dated report.

I asked a marriage counselar by phone if i should confront my husband,he told me if i do that there is no going back,my husbands reaction is that he's been exposed to the maximum degree and he'll divorce me and say he's just the way he is and wont change, he said you can't get him to see he needs help,he has to figure that out by himself,he'll have to want to change from his own will,not because you found out and he'll want to fix things,he said just be patient and wait till you have your baby and see from there what you want to do,if you can't be with him anymore and get divorced then expose him to the maximum,if you think you can overlook his addiction and stay married for your kids sake then he'll see me as the bravest and noblest and amazing person,he just told me not to make any decisions now,that live day by day and see what happens,he tells me there's always hope. I dont mind waiting and living with him,but there is only one thing that i'll never be able to do untill my husband seeks help,i can never have sex with him,i'm too afraid from catching any STDs,also i'm afraid i'll be scarred for life when i have sex with him and remember the video he showed me of him having sex with another girl,also this was the marriage counselar's concern and told me to never have sex with my husband if any bad feelings are associated with it. So,if i stayed married to him,how long can i keep telling him i can't have sex and keep giving excuses,for months,a year,then what. You suffered for 23 years from sexuall addiction,i can never know how long will my husband stay like this till he sees the light. I have decided to seek therapy,just so i can live with him a normal life,but when it comes to sex i don't know how i can ever let him be close to me when he's doing what he's doing. Right now,I see any kind word or gesture from him as a lie,i can't imagine a person who loves me can do this to me, so even if he truly loves me,which untill now i haven't figured out,i can't see it,i no longer see that he loves me. I only think he's married to me because he gets to have a wife that takes care of him while at the same time live and enjoy all his fantasies, i honestly no longer can beleive that he loves me. Can you tell me how i can found out if he loves me? It might make it easier for me live with him if i knew about how he truly feels about me.

winginitx wrote:You also have the right to protect your home…and make is free of porn and other women – physically or electronically. …and then take steps to ensure that if he doesn’t.

I don't know how to protect my home because I live with my Inlaws,my house is empty because I was left to live in it alone while he worked and was away for days,and that was too unsafe for me,i felt lonely aswell and uncared for,i mean no one sees me leave the house nor does anyone see me come in,also the house is huge and needs alot of taking care of,i can't handle fixing lamps and plumbings,since he's so busy and away all the time i had to wait ages till somethings that i need or wants gets done,once i had to wait 2 months till a leakage problem was fixed,and guess who had to do this,me. I honestly felt like a single woman,not married to a carrying and providing husband. So the reason why he has girls over their is because i don't live their,and after seeing my husband having sex with a girl on my bed that i used to sleep in i don't think i can return to that house,i honestly see my house as a whore house,not a home,because he's bringing other friends and girls and drinking and getting stoned in my house. I'm in a complicated situation,but i have to say i'd rather live in the small room with my inlaws than go and try to live in a big house where all i can think of is that here is where my husband betrayed me and God and himself.

Hi Mrs M, I am sure you have read a lot about sex addiction...if you would like more in depth information please read the following webpage.
www.addictioncontrol.blogspot.com

Your story seems complicated, but there is only 1 thing you can do. Confront him and tell him, that unless he decides to gets better, you are leaving him.

He will have to decide what he wants more. If he chooses sex, you wouldn't want him to be your husband or father of your children anyway.

I would also recommend you attending a local Codependent Anonymous (CoDa) meeting, I think you will find the support of good people there that you need.

I am sex addict in recovery. I am not allowed to post my links here, but if you want to know more about my story, you can google my username.

Best of luck to you!

feedtherightwolf wrote:Your story seems complicated, but there is only 1 thing you can do. Confront him and tell him, that unless he decides to gets better, you are leaving him.

He will have to decide what he wants more. If he chooses sex, you wouldn't want him to be your husband or father of your children anyway.

I would also recommend you attending a local Codependent Anonymous (CoDa) meeting, I think you will find the support of good people there that you need.

I am sex addict in recovery. I am not allowed to post my links here, but if you want to know more about my story, you can google my username.

Best of luck to you!

thanks feedtherightwolf for your advice, but as you noticed my situation is complicated, because my husband thinks i'm totally clueless about his cheating,and not only that he's so cinvinced that i will never find out cuz he is taking extreme measures to cover his tracks as well as keep me in the dark,pretty funny that he is telling me all this himself,he's showing me and telling me his every move to this girl that i created on the dating website. i asked him what will he do if his wife finds out, he told me she wont ever find out,impossible,that he isn't a child to get caught, i really wanted to know if he would divorce me and choose not to live with me since he's exposed or is he going to think of changing. It's clear to me he doesn't feel the need to change now,he's ok with being the person he is,he's happy the way things are,and the thought of me ever knowing the truth never crossed his mind. I am so afraid of confronting him, i have no idea what his reaction will be, he might go to the extremes of trying to destroying my life as a kind of revenge, i don't see him as a rational man, no one living lies and acting like that's normal can be normal.
Right now i'm living day by day,i think about my situation all day long even when i'm with friends,i want to act like nothings wrong untill i figure out what to do but i can't even do that,i'm not sure that he ever loved me,i'm not sure if that matters to him, he's so good at acting and lying i have no idea what's real anymore.
A marriage counselour told me that this is part of your husband his sex addiction,that it's connected to his acomplishments and success and wont be able to get rid of it, that confronting him will only lead to divorce and that he wont want to change for your sake, he told me to wait till i have my child if i can and decide later what to do, whether to live with him with his addiction and pretend not to know,or whether to get divorced. I asked the counselour how can i live with something like that,it's not a small flaw that i can overlook,even if i somehow was able to live what seems to be a normal life with him,how can i have sex with him, not only is it going to be emotionally difficult but also i'm afraid of catching any STDs, he told me he isn't using protection all the time, and already the counselour told me to never have sex with him unless it's unassociated with bad feelings or else i will be scarred for life.
My question to you is how can i live with a sex addict? is it even possible? is it a better option to live pretending nothing is wrong on the hope he'll change or should i just leave and get divorced? and if i get divorced should i tell him why or keep what i know to the minimal so i don't risk getting hurt? untill now everyone i ask is not pushing the divorce option, which is why i need to know how to live with this reality, that my husband is a sex addict.
I am going to go to a marraige counselar soon,till now the only support i have in this issue is this forum,a very close friend and God. I check this my topic everyday as much as i could,i want to hear suggestions,i want to hear advice,i want to hear support. I feel that i need this support just to go through day by day, i call my friend to tell her what's going on and how i feel and what i'm doing just so i don't suffocate, the poor thing now is very concerned and ofcourse hates my husband,she's pregnant too and i don't want to put this load on her but she's the only one i trust and frankly i can't do this alone. She's thinking of ways to just ruin his life, i don't think that way,i honestly have no benifit from harming him, i just want to be happy, i just want to make the right choices, i don't want any regrets or feel that i did something wrong.
Another reason why i'm afraid of confronting him is that he'd blame me,even though his addiction was way before he met me, i don't want to hear that i had a hand in making him be like this, honestly i'll die upon hearing those words, not matter how much i know that they're not true. and lets face it, the girl who talks to him on the website is encouriging him,i told him to tape the girls so i can see him having sex and he did,although he never did that before.
Please anyone out there who can help me out with this in any way, whether advice, or just by telling me he has been through this and handled it how, you guys are a support system to me, and untill i know what to do exactly i'm lost and need a life raft!

Mrs. M, I hope you dn't mind me giving my two cents on your last post. Fear is the vein that feeds any addict. Fear of feeling pain, of confronting difficult emotions, of diggin through his/her own layers to find out why they have this addictive behavior.
As an addict, I cannot help seeing the seed of fear in you and your behaviors trying to cope with his addiction. This is actually very common, and in SA recovery - right across the hall - there was a recover meeting for co-dependants, and many were spouses of SA's.
Will he blame you? He might. Addicts who are in denial sometimes lash out - especially if confronted in accusatory manners. You know its not true thought...right? Just in case - let me repeat myself: This is not about you. There is nothing you could have done; in or out of bed, being pretty enough, think enough, etc. Ths was going to happen no matter what you did or didn't do. he was primed for this way before he met you. Okay? Please, please understand this. The more you internalize that fact, the more you will come to view your husband with pity instead of anger.
Back to fear. You both are fearing the same thing right now; his intrinsic fear of you finding out how sick he is you afraid to tell him how much you know how sick he is! What you both are afraid of is truth and reality. THAT will keep him acting out and you biting your nails as to what to do.
You need to talk to him. An addict lives a life of secrets. We are addicted to our dark corners where the light of truth cannot reach. Later on in recovery he will learn and embrace that “we really are as sick as our secrets.”
Lovingly confront him. Tell him how much you care for him. Tell him how much his behavior hurts you. Don’t accuse, threaten or give ultimatums if you don’t want a knee-jerk hostile reaction. Exhort him to get help. Ask him if he still loves you – and look at his eyes. You’re his wife; you will see the answer is his shamed eyes. Ask him if he values his family? You don’t have to walk him to the therapy door. He has to want to find that door himself.
You have a right to marital fidelity; to be safe and secure in your union. Ask him to get a STD test and show it to you. Be interested in his recovery attempts. Understand that everything he knows about sexuality is most likely wrong – and he will feel like his world is caving in. He won’t know what feelings to trust. He needs you now more than ever.
When I was down my dark road, I wanted to go back but couldn’t find my way. It was my wife, my light, that guided back to normalcy. She never abetted my aberrant sexual behaviors, but she never crushed my nads in a vice either. She was – and is – supportive and when she said she was of proud of me for all my efforts and recovery, it was one of the proudest days of my life.
You can see my recovery blog and struggles at: www.mydarkpassengerandme.blogspot.com

winginitx wrote:Mrs. M, I hope you dn't mind me giving my two cents on your last post. Fear is the vein that feeds any addict. Fear of feeling pain, of confronting difficult emotions, of diggin through his/her own layers to find out why they have this addictive behavior.
As an addict, I cannot help seeing the seed of fear in you and your behaviors trying to cope with his addiction. This is actually very common, and in SA recovery - right across the hall - there was a recover meeting for co-dependants, and many were spouses of SA's.
Will he blame you? He might. Addicts who are in denial sometimes lash out - especially if confronted in accusatory manners. You know its not true thought...right? Just in case - let me repeat myself: This is not about you. There is nothing you could have done; in or out of bed, being pretty enough, think enough, etc. Ths was going to happen no matter what you did or didn't do. he was primed for this way before he met you. Okay? Please, please understand this. The more you internalize that fact, the more you will come to view your husband with pity instead of anger.
Back to fear. You both are fearing the same thing right now; his intrinsic fear of you finding out how sick he is you afraid to tell him how much you know how sick he is! What you both are afraid of is truth and reality. THAT will keep him acting out and you biting your nails as to what to do.
You need to talk to him. An addict lives a life of secrets. We are addicted to our dark corners where the light of truth cannot reach. Later on in recovery he will learn and embrace that “we really are as sick as our secrets.”
Lovingly confront him. Tell him how much you care for him. Tell him how much his behavior hurts you. Don’t accuse, threaten or give ultimatums if you don’t want a knee-jerk hostile reaction. Exhort him to get help. Ask him if he still loves you – and look at his eyes. You’re his wife; you will see the answer is his shamed eyes. Ask him if he values his family? You don’t have to walk him to the therapy door. He has to want to find that door himself.
You have a right to marital fidelity; to be safe and secure in your union. Ask him to get a STD test and show it to you. Be interested in his recovery attempts. Understand that everything he knows about sexuality is most likely wrong – and he will feel like his world is caving in. He won’t know what feelings to trust. He needs you now more than ever.
When I was down my dark road, I wanted to go back but couldn’t find my way. It was my wife, my light, that guided back to normalcy. She never abetted my aberrant sexual behaviors, but she never crushed my nads in a vice either. She was – and is – supportive and when she said she was of proud of me for all my efforts and recovery, it was one of the proudest days of my life.
You can see my recovery blog and struggles at: http://www.mydarkpassengerandme.blogspot.com

thanks winginitx for your second post,i don't mind being posted a million times,right now i need this support. I know and believe that i'm not to blame for his actions,even if i did make things worse he had the choice to walk this path,and he can't blame anyone other than himself for that choice, i've been through alot in life and had a million chances to go astray and for good reasons but chose to stay on the right path, my faith in God and that we will be judged one day and that we humans are better than that by having the free will to control ourselves keeps me in line, i mean look at this situation for example,i could have done the same as him, since he's cheating then i can do the same as a kind of revenge or something,but i choose the clean and right road,if i have a problem i try to fix it not run away from it,no matter how hard trying to fix problems is,i mean that's why i didnt confront him till now,cuz i'm hoping to only do something after studying it well and making sure it's the right thing to do, even though it would make me feel so much better to expose him,tell him that you think you're better than everyone else in the world that you wont get caught,that you think you can get away with it.
So you see i'm trying my best to do the right thing here, i've read your blog and saw how a sex addict thinks,i see that the road isn't easy neither for you nor your wife, but the difference is you initiated the want for change, you weren't confronted or exposed by your wife,only when you where ready and you chose to tell her did you tell her about your addiction. Also you had some sense of faith that helped you out,my husband on the other hand is trying to ignore his beliefs,maybe because he's ashamed and if he thought about it it would only make him admit he's wrong,and i know my husband,he hates being wrong.
Another thing,i am an emotional reck right now,i honeslty can't look him in the face or talk to him,and it's been like this for a couple of days,and i have been through moods like this before,unfortunately this is a huge flaw in me,i kind of shutdown when i go through a crisis, and at first he used to keep asking till he knows what's wrong,the past 2 years he stopped asking,and just waited till i somehow talk,sometimes he tries some kind gestures like touch my face when asleep,send me a message saying he misses me,misses the happy me,but now he uses the "is something wrong or are you just in one of your bad moods" tone. We always had a problem in talking to each other,he always was aggresively defensive and always blamed me and made me be the bad guy in every situation,i guess that's his way of keeping me in the dark about his cheating and knowing me that i'll blame myself he gets away with everything he does. I've been lied to so many times,and of course only now do i realise that they were lies, that i don't trust a word coming from his mouth.
My latest discovery is that there's a big chance that he doesn't love me,that he only married me for his parents sake, that the reason he doesn't want me to know the truth is because his parents are so important to him and doesn't want to disappoint them or let them know anything, he once 3 years back told me he never wanted to get married like this,that it's only for his mums sake that he's still married to me, of course when he realised what he said he apologised and said he didn't mean it,that he was half asleep and that he truly loves me and don't want to lose me. and me ebing a fool and in love with him beleived his words.
My husband is not only a sex addict,but an amazingly good liar,so good i think he's better than the devil in lying,of course i only figured this out the past 10 days from the dating website that i'm chatting with him in through this girl i made up. I know he doesn't lie to this girl cuz he has no reason to lie,he enjoys talking to someone who is like him,sex addict and married and also wants as badly as him to keep these secrets. He told her that he's not into relationships and just want a sex buddy,i told him those are my intentions too,so he's happy talking to her,just for sex. I'm only talking to him through this made up girl so i can get information from him,truth about who he is,what he feels,how he thinks,it's almost like i'm in his head,he's telling me his every move,even the precations he takes to keep his ass covered. I only want this information so i can know what to do,and sp that i don't get sucked back into one his lies. I know what i'm doing is wrong,but he left me no choice,2 years ago i once asked him to talk to a marriage counselar cuz i wasn't happy or able to trust him,that i didn't even have to know what he said to the counselar nor did he have to even see the counselar or give him his name,just a phone call is all i needed to feel that we are trying to become a happier couple, he said he'd rather get divorced than talk to anyone. So you see,if i can even get help in his place i would do that,i love my husband,he's a really great guy,most women would die to be with him,but now i don't see the point of my love for him if he doesn't love me back.
I am trying my best to do the right thing,but i don't know what's the right thing to do,i'm talking in this forum,i'm talking to marriage counselars,i'm talking to my best friend,i'm praying to God to show me what to do,i believe that God will help me in whatever decision i make,i just wish i can be inspired by God to show me what that decision is,I beleive God has given me this forum,my friend,the marriage counselars as tools to help me out,but i'm still lost. I am being patient because i believe that it just might be a matter of time inorder for me to figure out what to do,and in the meantime i wish for the strength to cope through this. I just hope that what i'm doing is right!

(I tried to send this in a PM, but it was too long...sorry)

Okay, I hear ya. You covered a lot of things, so let me give you some replies. I applaud you for your fighting your lower nature i.e. your former addiction. That seems to have grounded you and giving you a skill set and rubric on how to address issues and deal with life-hurts that come up. Brava! So, you can appreciate the fact that your hub does not have the skill set.
Yes, I did want to change. But 19 of those years, I didn't. I didn't even think there was anything wrong! My search for happiness centered on all the wrong things. I tried to fill the emptiness with perishable, fleeting pleasures...and when those didn't work, I just thought that I didn't find the right pleasures yet...and kept on looking. I was perpetually angry with my wife for not acquiescing to my search for happiness.
You are not doing yourself any favors by waiting for him to ask you what’s wrong. Not only are you delaying the inevitable, but you're planning and having the whole conversation in your head; figuring out question and multiple answers for each possible contingency. That is an exercise in frustration and will prove counter-productive imho. You are starting to builds secrets just like him and ...as you know....secrets are not good in a marriage.
Blaming someone else is a central excuse for all SA's. In fact, sometimes I would pick a fight, just so I could get angry to justify acting out. That is a common tactic: If everything is fine, there is no reason to act out, so make things 'not fine.' Create chaos to justify your actions.
By nature most addicts are accomplished liars. We are living a false and secondary life. We are so compartmentalized, lying is not an option. It is mandatory in order to keep the façade going. Most of all, and unknowingly, we are lying to ourselves. He doesn't lie to his paramour? Is that surprising? I didn't either...because those relationships were on my terms. I was open and honest and never felt free-er because I had no expectation of reciprocity. I wasn't dating these women or trying to invest in a future with them. I was open and honest because I had nothing to lose. If they didn’t get with my program, fine. Another came along. It is easy to be open and honest when there are no consequences.
I am not sure this next point is good advice, but since you’re set on playing Dickless Tracy, how about putting it to a good use? I know you’re head is not in the game, but what if (forgive my creative mind?)
Say you play the internet mistress like you’re doing. Keep him going and say you will meet him. Give him a detailed description of what you will be wearing and the meeting place. Some nice restaurant or cocktail lounge. Have him there waiting for you, come in, approach him directly and show him you’re wearing the dress you detailed. Smile and give him the name you use in the chat room. Order a drink. I imagine the conversation something like this:
“Did I describe myself correctly?”
“This is not funny…what do you think you’re doing?”
“I am being what you want me to be. Listen, I know what I need to know. My problem is that you didn’t come to me with what you wanted. But I want you know this: I am your wife and I love you. You’re looking for something you won’t find in other women. No one understands you like I do….and they don’t want you like I want you. You want to _____ me? (smile) Fine. You want to make me do _______? Sure thing…I am your wife and I want to please my husband. Have I refused you in the past? Sorry sweetie….I wasn’t aware this meant so much to you.”
“Are you serious?”
Smile and give him a view under your skirt – sans panties.
“Sweetie, aside from some personal boundaries, you can have me any way you want. I’m your wife, I love you and want to make you happy.”
“Boundaries?”
“Yes. No third parties, severe pain ….(whatever you absolutely will not do….but try to keep that list short). Aside from that, I am totally yours.....in every way possible. Deal?”
This whole thing could change directions for you. You can take a potentially destructive situation and turn it into something you both can create and share. It is up to you. What do you want? Retribution and justice or a marriage built on fire for each other?
This could be a wake up call for your marriage. Yes, I realize what I am asking of you. You could be right and divorced/unhappy/married and miserable or you start a new life and take a chance on happiness. Someday, if he is the guy you say, he will come around to figure out what’s important to him…and he will take pride in the wife who found him where he was…and brought him back from the brink.
….or I am a hopeless romantic and impossibly naïve.