Mrs. M, I hope you dn't mind me giving my two cents on your last post. Fear is the vein that feeds any addict. Fear of feeling pain, of confronting difficult emotions, of diggin through his/her own layers to find out why they have this addictive behavior.
As an addict, I cannot help seeing the seed of fear in you and your behaviors trying to cope with his addiction. This is actually very common, and in SA recovery - right across the hall - there was a recover meeting for co-dependants, and many were spouses of SA's.
Will he blame you? He might. Addicts who are in denial sometimes lash out - especially if confronted in accusatory manners. You know its not true thought...right? Just in case - let me repeat myself: This is not about you. There is nothing you could have done; in or out of bed, being pretty enough, think enough, etc. Ths was going to happen no matter what you did or didn't do. he was primed for this way before he met you. Okay? Please, please understand this. The more you internalize that fact, the more you will come to view your husband with pity instead of anger.
Back to fear. You both are fearing the same thing right now; his intrinsic fear of you finding out how sick he is you afraid to tell him how much you know how sick he is! What you both are afraid of is truth and reality. THAT will keep him acting out and you biting your nails as to what to do.
You need to talk to him. An addict lives a life of secrets. We are addicted to our dark corners where the light of truth cannot reach. Later on in recovery he will learn and embrace that “we really are as sick as our secrets.”
Lovingly confront him. Tell him how much you care for him. Tell him how much his behavior hurts you. Don’t accuse, threaten or give ultimatums if you don’t want a knee-jerk hostile reaction. Exhort him to get help. Ask him if he still loves you – and look at his eyes. You’re his wife; you will see the answer is his shamed eyes. Ask him if he values his family? You don’t have to walk him to the therapy door. He has to want to find that door himself.
You have a right to marital fidelity; to be safe and secure in your union. Ask him to get a STD test and show it to you. Be interested in his recovery attempts. Understand that everything he knows about sexuality is most likely wrong – and he will feel like his world is caving in. He won’t know what feelings to trust. He needs you now more than ever.
When I was down my dark road, I wanted to go back but couldn’t find my way. It was my wife, my light, that guided back to normalcy. She never abetted my aberrant sexual behaviors, but she never crushed my nads in a vice either. She was – and is – supportive and when she said she was of proud of me for all my efforts and recovery, it was one of the proudest days of my life.
You can see my recovery blog and struggles at: http://www.mydarkpassengerandme.blogspot.com
thanks winginitx for your second post,i don't mind being posted a million times,right now i need this support. I know and believe that i'm not to blame for his actions,even if i did make things worse he had the choice to walk this path,and he can't blame anyone other than himself for that choice, i've been through alot in life and had a million chances to go astray and for good reasons but chose to stay on the right path, my faith in God and that we will be judged one day and that we humans are better than that by having the free will to control ourselves keeps me in line, i mean look at this situation for example,i could have done the same as him, since he's cheating then i can do the same as a kind of revenge or something,but i choose the clean and right road,if i have a problem i try to fix it not run away from it,no matter how hard trying to fix problems is,i mean that's why i didnt confront him till now,cuz i'm hoping to only do something after studying it well and making sure it's the right thing to do, even though it would make me feel so much better to expose him,tell him that you think you're better than everyone else in the world that you wont get caught,that you think you can get away with it.
So you see i'm trying my best to do the right thing here, i've read your blog and saw how a sex addict thinks,i see that the road isn't easy neither for you nor your wife, but the difference is you initiated the want for change, you weren't confronted or exposed by your wife,only when you where ready and you chose to tell her did you tell her about your addiction. Also you had some sense of faith that helped you out,my husband on the other hand is trying to ignore his beliefs,maybe because he's ashamed and if he thought about it it would only make him admit he's wrong,and i know my husband,he hates being wrong.
Another thing,i am an emotional reck right now,i honeslty can't look him in the face or talk to him,and it's been like this for a couple of days,and i have been through moods like this before,unfortunately this is a huge flaw in me,i kind of shutdown when i go through a crisis, and at first he used to keep asking till he knows what's wrong,the past 2 years he stopped asking,and just waited till i somehow talk,sometimes he tries some kind gestures like touch my face when asleep,send me a message saying he misses me,misses the happy me,but now he uses the "is something wrong or are you just in one of your bad moods" tone. We always had a problem in talking to each other,he always was aggresively defensive and always blamed me and made me be the bad guy in every situation,i guess that's his way of keeping me in the dark about his cheating and knowing me that i'll blame myself he gets away with everything he does. I've been lied to so many times,and of course only now do i realise that they were lies, that i don't trust a word coming from his mouth.
My latest discovery is that there's a big chance that he doesn't love me,that he only married me for his parents sake, that the reason he doesn't want me to know the truth is because his parents are so important to him and doesn't want to disappoint them or let them know anything, he once 3 years back told me he never wanted to get married like this,that it's only for his mums sake that he's still married to me, of course when he realised what he said he apologised and said he didn't mean it,that he was half asleep and that he truly loves me and don't want to lose me. and me ebing a fool and in love with him beleived his words.
My husband is not only a sex addict,but an amazingly good liar,so good i think he's better than the devil in lying,of course i only figured this out the past 10 days from the dating website that i'm chatting with him in through this girl i made up. I know he doesn't lie to this girl cuz he has no reason to lie,he enjoys talking to someone who is like him,sex addict and married and also wants as badly as him to keep these secrets. He told her that he's not into relationships and just want a sex buddy,i told him those are my intentions too,so he's happy talking to her,just for sex. I'm only talking to him through this made up girl so i can get information from him,truth about who he is,what he feels,how he thinks,it's almost like i'm in his head,he's telling me his every move,even the precations he takes to keep his ass covered. I only want this information so i can know what to do,and sp that i don't get sucked back into one his lies. I know what i'm doing is wrong,but he left me no choice,2 years ago i once asked him to talk to a marriage counselar cuz i wasn't happy or able to trust him,that i didn't even have to know what he said to the counselar nor did he have to even see the counselar or give him his name,just a phone call is all i needed to feel that we are trying to become a happier couple, he said he'd rather get divorced than talk to anyone. So you see,if i can even get help in his place i would do that,i love my husband,he's a really great guy,most women would die to be with him,but now i don't see the point of my love for him if he doesn't love me back.
I am trying my best to do the right thing,but i don't know what's the right thing to do,i'm talking in this forum,i'm talking to marriage counselars,i'm talking to my best friend,i'm praying to God to show me what to do,i believe that God will help me in whatever decision i make,i just wish i can be inspired by God to show me what that decision is,I beleive God has given me this forum,my friend,the marriage counselars as tools to help me out,but i'm still lost. I am being patient because i believe that it just might be a matter of time inorder for me to figure out what to do,and in the meantime i wish for the strength to cope through this. I just hope that what i'm doing is right!